the rich young ruler

Everyone wants savior Jesus, but nobody wants Lord Jesus, especially the rich young ruler.

Sometimes I actually think that I am fully surrendered to Christ - probably because I am willing to move and be a missionary in Kenya. Willingness to sell your stuff and move to Africa equals openness right? 

It at least makes me more perfect than the rich young ruler.

When the rich man asked Jesus what he had to do to have eternal life, this is what Jesus said to him:

"If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." (Matt. 19:21)

What would your response to Jesus be? 

"When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions" (Matt. 19:22).

Unlike the rich young ruler, I am willing to sell everything for Jesus. At least that is what I used to think. But there is a question in the "Open" book that I cannot get out of my mind... 

What's the unspoken limit to what you will sacrifice in order to follow Jesus?

If you are like me and quick to judge the young ruler, let me offer you the conviction God has given me. Jesus has an individual call for everyone, however when he calls a person, he bids them come and die, and this is true for every disciple of Christ (Boenhoffer).

There are specific sacrifices Jesus demands of some followers of His... to sell everything, to drop their nets, leave their father, leave their home, and let the dead bury the dead. But there is also a general sacrifice for all of us who would choose to make Jesus not just our savior, but our Lord.

"Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:38)

Then He called the crowd to Him along with His disciples and said: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." (Mark 8:34)

"And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." (Luke 14:27)

Then He said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23)

Jesus invites us to follow Him. It's an invitation to the cross, it's an invitation to death. If we join Him in His suffering, He promises a reward that is worthy to sacrifice for. "Whoever loses His life for me, will find it." (Mt. 16:25)

What does it mean to lose your life? What does it mean to deny yourself?

It doesn't mean to actually hang on a cross, although some have and more will... it is all about making Jesus the Lord of your heart, the Lord of your life. And if you do this, there will be treasure for you in heaven. But what about your treasure here on earth? 

Where your treasure is - there your heart will be also. I have different riches than the young ruler - meaning we have different crosses to bear. I'm not death gripping the same treasure he was, but there are things in my life that might make me walk away sad if Jesus asked me to give them up. 

In a blog I read recently the writer referenced a quote from her pastor:

"You don't know what idols you worship until Jesus says, ‘I want it.'"

Idols aren't bad things. They are the best things in your life. They are probably your most precious treasures. They become idolatrous when we are unwilling to give them up to God.

God is jealous for us, especially when we give our hearts away to lesser gods. He longs for us to have an undivided heart. He wants our minds attention and our hearts affection. I love this story because it gives us a look into the young ruler's heart, into the idolatry found there.

Jesus always revealed the true state of people's hearts. We must not avoid digging deeper into ours. Ephesians 5:11 says to expose the heart. What is exposed by the light becomes visible -- and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. If we want to be children of the light we must have fellowship with the light. (1 John 1:6)

I'm encouraged, inspired, comforted, and convicted by two examples of sacrifice in the Bible, better examples to follow than the young ruler -- Abraham and Jesus.

Can you imagine God asking you to murder your son? That is basically what happened to Abraham.

What do you love the most in this world? Who do you love the most?

Abraham was so committed to God, he was willing to submit no matter what, and to obey even to the point of sacrificing the thing he loved the most. Abraham loved God more than anything in this world, even his only child.

The good part about Isaac is that Abraham's willingness was sufficient, he didn't actually have to go through with making the sacrifice. There is another story much similar, except with what seems to be a sadder ending. However the suffering and sacrifice turns out to be completely worth it. 

You see... there was another Father that had to sacrifice His son on the alter. And like Isaac, there was another young man that climbed up onto a tree, trusting His dad. His name is Jesus.

Imagine Jesus in the garden of Gathsemane.... sweating blood, wrestling with the will of God. "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." (Matthew 26:39)

Jesus was willing to die to acheive the will of God.

Are you?

Am I?

Jesus is the perfect example of denying yourself and taking up your cross. He invites us to follow Him to our death which leads to life in HIm. You see, denying yourself and taking up your cross is a picture of Jesus' death - dying to your will, and submitting yourself to God's, obediently laying down your life for Him. Good news - if you lay down your life you will pick it up again through Christ.

More good news about God's will = It is perfect and good. The cross seemed like the worst thing that could have ever happened, but we needed it in order to get to the resurrection. There was purpose in the pain and meaning in the suffering. It was worth it - because Jesus rose and He lives. We will also rise and inherit the kingdom of God - IF we follow Christ to the cross.

So... What's the unspoken limit? What lines have you drawn? Where are you fighting God?

If Jesus calls you, will you go? Will you drink the cup or let it pass? Will you walk away sad like the rich young ruler? Will you put your only son on the alter? Will you lay down your life for Christ?

Maybe God isn't asking you to sacrifice your son or literally give up your life... Maybe He isn't asking you to sell everything or move to Africa... but i'm confident there is a step He is calling you to take, a door he wants you to knock on and walk through, suffering he wants you to endure for His name's sake. Will you yield? Will you submit? Will you obey? Will you sacrifice? Will you take the cup? Will you go to the cross?

A friend of mine once said, "I love Jesus more than sex." And may that be true for each of us - may we love Jesus more than the idol our heart clings to. More than our riches. More than our only son. May we keep a loose grip on the things we love the most. And may we not withhold any area of our lives from the hand of God.


I've recently felt a sense of wandering in the wilderness. God has been using my broken dreams, disappointments, and unmet expectations to reveal areas of sin that need exposed in my heart. It's almost as if God has intentionally allowed me to experience this pain - not to hurt me, but to love me. I praise Him for the suffering and adversity because it is there that I encounter His glorious mercy and grace. God has been redeeming me and the space I give him in my heart with His purposes and I am learning to live by every word that comes from the Lord. 

The rich young ruler missed the promise when he focused instead on the sacrifice he was asked to make. The sacrifice is costly, but it also comes with a worth while gain.

"You will have treasure in heaven, come, follow me." 

God will lead us through something painful to bring us to a greater thing or a greater place. Will we count the cost and consider him worthy?

Galatians 2:20 says that the Lord Jesus has laid claim to every part of my life, and He has every right to do so. My prayer is that despite my sheepish ways, God's grace will continue to make me holy until I'm completely conformed to the image of His Son, who does not worship false gods. God will not give His glory to anyone or anything else. No other name! He deserves all of our worship and all of our praise. 

So what is God putting His finger on in your heart and life that you have been worshipping instead of Him? It won't feel good... but it's God's perfect Fatherly love that will use something painful to lead you to the greatest gain you will ever know - an intimate relationship with your Maker. 

"Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother of children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life." (Matt 19:29)

Whatever it is that Jesus wants, put it on the alter. 

one year of living one day at a time

One day at a time. This saying brings a tear to my eye when I hear it... because it is what my dad said every day that he battled cancer, right up until the very end. After he passed I clung to this saying to get me through my grief journey. And now I've had a whole year of living just one day at a time.

It has been so hard to work through the pain of my grief. I am not good at grief. I have been waiting for this anniversary to come, hoping it would be the beginning of an easier journey. I like to cope by minimizing and intelectuallizing. I would feel much better if I understood my grief or could make some sense of it. But I can't. I barely have words to describe it. I would love to say the year was full of reminiscing about the good times and rainbows with no rain... but honestly the first year was covered in fog. It was so hard to recognize my grief which made it difficult to deal with. I expected the first year to be hard but it was more than I imagined. There is nothing you can do to fix it. Or stop it. It's been hard for me to cope with it. Now that I've reached this day I think I'm going to have to continue to take one day at a time.

Several close friends have texted me letting me know they were thinking of me and praying for me. They knew the anniversary would be a hard day. I'm not really sure how to handle it... I guess by writing this. A good friend of mine told me to think about the precious family time we had and the good memories. My dad's cancer brought my family together and united us in a special way. That is one of the greatest things that has come out of the ashes. And God continues to grow and heal my family, bringing us closer to him and closer together. My family has showed so much strength as they too have been on this grief ride. I praise God for the courage he has given all of us to face each new day and the example my precious family has been to me.

There have been days where I have been totally overwhelmed, overcome with despair, crippled by fear, attacked with anxiety, lost in confusion, and deep down just sad about my dad. When I think about him passing I'm still traumatized by my experience with his death. As I fight to find the joy that comes in the morning I'm reminded of my Heavenly father who has never left me in the middle of the night. In fact, He has given me songs in the night. (Job 35:10)

One of my favorite things we did with my dad in his last month was that we watched "symphony" by Louie Giglio. I specifically remember several things that were in that video teaching. I even quoted it a couple weeks later when giving the eulogy at the funeral about my dad worshipping God with whales.

This year has been full of dark clouds in the night.

Louie Giglio went through a two-month struggle with stress and depression and it was the darkest time of his life. One night he woke up asking God to help him and he remembered a passage of Scripture in Job that says, "God gives songs in the night."

"When you get in the dry and weary land you need to know that there is a God who has a song for that moment, too," Louie said. He then starting singing the song God gave him:

Be still my soul there is a healer. His love is deeper than the sea. His mercy is unfailing. His arms a fortress for the weak.

Louie said that it was a weapon of praise that led him out of the valley of the shadow of death. The line he repeated for hours at night during his depression/anxiety was this:

I lift my hands to believe again...

My dad loved this video and it really helped me through the funeral and first few months. But it helps me every single night. When darkness comes I'm reminded to lift my hands to believe again, to praise God with the song that he gives me. Praising God opens up the clouds and allows the light of God's love to shine in and lift my head, to still my soul. Every time I worship God I can't help but lifting my hands - and thinking about my Dad worshipping in heaven with me and the whales...

I wish I could skip over the pain that comes from the dark seasons in my life, but honestly God is so good that he uses the muck and mess of our life to bring us closer to Him. He breaks us down to bind us up. And he does it all in love. Nothing is meaningless, nothing is wasted. John Piper says that every second of your pain and suffering is totally meaningful, every second of your misery in the path of obedience is producing in you and achieving for you an eternal weight of glory. It's in those moments where we get to experience a holy suffering as we cry out asking God to let the cup pass. Job said, "Though you slay me, yet will I trust you."

May you not lose heart and may you find the joy that comes even in the darkness as God gives you a song that wells up in your heart.... Praise will lead us out of the darkness and into His marvelous light as we continue to take one day at a time.

losing family

One of my goals in 2014 is to be a better writer. Correction, to be a writer you have to actually write. My goal is to simply write. The root and motivation is my dream of being who God created me to be and using my gifts to do what God created me to do, so that others might praise my Father in heaven.

More specifically, I would like to publish the blogs I write instead of just storing them in my draft folder. My goal is to write one blog a week. To not bury my gift. Getting back into writing is hard work. There are about 200 lies from the enemy I must first deal with before the hard part of actually punching the keys on my laptop. And don't forget the inspiration to find something to write about that is worthy to be read....

A few days ago a friend said to me, "Never apologize for who you are." I've realized how often I do that. I was about to say sorry for the words you are reading now, because in my mind I have already decided that they aren't good enough. But if you have stumbled upon my blog, and are reading my ramblings, then I want to say welcome to my first blog of the new year. There are so many things I want to change about myself this year. There are so many areas I want to grow in. There is so much I want to do. And not do. But I think God just wants me to be me. So here is my 1 talent. Here is my first victory of the new year, not letting satan quiet me. Not letting satan steal my voice. Letting my light shine. I'm not apologizing and I'm not pre-determining.   



The year 2013 will always be marked by the loss of my father.

I've been reflecting on the highs and lows, lessons learned, seasons that have come and gone... but more than anything the mercy and grace of my heavenly Father that has been evident through it all. He has given me comfort and strength through the valleys and turned ashes into beauty, taking what the enemy intended for evil and used it for good.

Losing my father in the beginning of the year would become the event that would mark all the days that would follow. The grief was intense at times, sudden at others, and has visited me daily. It has changed me. There is a new hole in me. An emptiness that I feel each day when I wake up and it lingers as I lay in bed at night.

My helpful-but-not-so-spiritual solution is to watch a show or movie at night so I can try and stop thinking and rest my heart, mind, soul, and body. Lately I've been watching Finding Forrester. I love it because it is all about writing and basketball - two of my favs! There is a quote in that movie that I cannot stop thinking about.

"Losing family obliges us to find our family. Not always the family that is our blood, but the family that can become our blood. Should we have the wisdom to open our door to this new family, we will find that the wishes we had for the father, who once guided us and for the brother, who once inspired us...." (Finding Forrester) 

God in His sheer goodness has enabled me to find family this year, despite the loss I encountered on January 13th, 2013. God has graciously gifted me with dear friends to walk with on the good days and bad, friends that were miraculously able to love me at my worst, despite my selfishness, and people that would overflow the love of God into my life, comforting me and bringing joy despite the festering and sometimes bleeding wounds deep within my soul. The gift of friendship, and the family I found this year has brought healing and hope into my life. And the security of unconditional acceptance has freed me from so much torment and slavery that plagued me deeply before.

Not only has losing family applied to my 2013, it was the theme in my childhood. Dysfunction, neglect, abuse, divorce, abandonment... I had a family, but I definitely experienced a lot of loss early on. Again, God in His grace rescued me from the dominion of darkness and brought me into His family, adopting me as His own daughter. From then on I experienced the new family the quote above is talking about. I joined the church and became a part of the body of Christ. I had spiritual parents and loving brothers and sisters in Christ. There have been so many amazing, Godly people that have poured love and encouragement into my life. Community in the church is one of the greatest gifts I've experienced in this life. Family doesn't have to be blood. I wouldn't have made it through high school if it weren't for those people that were in my life at the time. And I wouldn't have been able to get through this past year without them either. Although they are different people now, it is still my church family, which amazingly enough also includes some of my blood family, that has shown me the love and grace of God and carried me through.

But people are people, they are not God. People constantly come and go in and out of our lives, whether we would like them to or not. Seasons change; we can't stop the snow from falling on the ground. Community is messy but it is worth it. We can only find our family if we open our lives up to it, despite the risk and vulnerability involved.  

People were never intended to meet the deepest needs and desires found within us. Those are places that only God can touch and anything that tries will be pale in comparison.

My desire for the hole in me to be filled has never been greater than it was after the loss of my father. The best part about this past year was that my friends and my family, although they loved me well, they failed me. They couldn't bring my dad back or save me, or heal the wounds. They couldn't fix my sin problem or defeat satan. They couldn't conquer death. There is nothing on this earth that is adequate. Nothing that fits. Nothing that fills. Nothing that is enough. And I've never tried harder to not be empty! I've never worked harder than I did this year. I'm still empty. It's insatiable.

The truth is, We don't need to be fixed, we need a savior. The glimpse of love, acceptance, and worth my family, blood and not, brought into my life would and will always fail me and come up short. And this is the beauty in our need. My depravity and desperation bring me to the cross where I recognize how great my need really is and where I find the love of Christ, the only thing that satisfies. I figure out my problem and find the solution, only at the cross. It's my sin and His name is Jesus.

Those wishes we have for family.... can come true and be met, only in Christ, and only through His church - it's the hope of the world. His love and grace is sufficient for the deepest hole and greatest needs we have in our lives. My prayer and encouragement is that God would give you the wisdom to open the door and open your life to new family this year. And even if... even when, rather... they fail you... our heavenly Father never will.