No more fear, but grief is still here.

My sister Erin and I were babysitting together on Friday night. We were able to chat for hours. We shared our thoughts and feelings, and we wept. It's such a gift to talk to someone who understands exactly what I'm going through. As I lay here after our conversations have ceased, the tears continue to roll down my face as my grief overwhelms me.

When you are crying, do you ever try to stop the tears by holding your breath? Maybe if you stop breathing than your mind will stop thinking and the painful feelings will go away? I open my eyes and gasp and the pain is more painful than before. I put my hand on my chest and pray that God would take it all away. I throw my arms up... acknowledging that I'm powerless. I'm trying to walk through my grief. Man does it hurt. But I'm leaning in.

I'm staying far away from my guilt. It's too much to bear.

I hate how my dad never wanted to burden anyone. Even when his lung collapsed and he was dying... he didn't want to burden Erin with the phone call or needing her to come to the hospital. Maybe Dad was like me and didn't feel worthy. He was also a pleaser. I'm just like my dad.

I'm still so traumatized by watching my dad go through the dying process. The clips I have playing in my head torment me when they surface and haunt me every night as I lay in bed, trying to fall sleep.

There is one sentense that my sister said that I can't stop replaying in my mind, "Dad lived in a constant state of fear his whole life." I hate generational sin and the bondage that had a grip on my dad. I hate it so much because I experience it often, too.

I despair at the thought of him living in fear and hiding, constantly anxious and worried about finances, prison, sickness, etc.

That look of terror in my dad's eyes when he entered the process of dying is one of the most horrible things I've ever experienced, along with that cough. I can't imagine what my dad must have felt at various points in his life when circumstances were hopeless.... I can't imagine the fear.

When Dad was diagnosed, he said, "I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just not ready to."

The last year God worked miracle after miracle in my dad's life, and in my family. The gospel and the name of Jesus broke many of Dad's chains. I believe Dad had peace in his last days. And I'm learning a lot, even in the midst of my grief. "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

Even though right now I collapse at the visions of my dad taking his last breaths, I know that someday I will be so grateful for showing him my love and giving him permission to leave this earth, for being there as he took his last breaths and passed.
 

I'm thankful for the peace that my dad had at the end of his life. I'm thankful for the hope and promise of heaven. I'm thankful that everything sad in my dad's life has come untrue. I'm thankful he doesn't have fear any more. I'm thankful his pain has been taken away. I'm thankful that he doesn't have to cope or protect anymore from this broken world. I'm thankful that my dad has been healed and can breathe now. I'm thankful my dad is with Jesus. But I sure do miss him.


I know that my dad wouldn't want me to feel unworthy or unlovable. I know that my dad wouldn't want me to fear. I know he wouldn't want me to have guilt. I know that he would want me to overcome the things that he wasn't able to on this earth. I know that he would want me to take hold of the Spirit of power that's living in me, and not be afraid.

My dad is with Jesus, and Jesus is living inside of me.... so I will not fear.

It's not about me.

The more you understand that "it's not about you," the more God can use you for His purpose, plan, will, and mission in this world.

He must increase, and I must decrease. (John 3:30)

Every day I walk with God, following Jesus, my identity becomes more founded and grounded in Christ. Every day that I grow in my knowledge and awareness of who God is, the more secure and confident I am in who I am, in Him. The implications that come from understanding the gospel are profound... and it is the truth that has set me free, and continues to bring new and deeper freedom in my life.


My glory days:
I played volleyball in High School. I was really good. I still have some school records. I was the MVP my senior year. I placed a lot of my identity, security, and worth on my volleyball performance. I often boasted in my athletic ability. It made me feel good, important, significant. Volleyball was my savior. It's what I used to save me from being unloved and unworthy. It was all about me.

Eastview has a sports ministry and a volleyball league. I've played in the intermediate league for about 5 seasons. My team won the tournament 3 times in a row. I didn't want to play in the competitive/advanced league because I was worried about not being able to control my competitiveness, and that's what I told Jason, the sports pastor. Plus, I really liked winning! Who wants to be a little fish in a big pond? He persuaded me to give it a try.

This past Monday was the tournament and last night of the season A fellow player in the league asked me if I liked the advanced league better, since it was my first season. What a loaded question! My mind raced and I answered with a deep sigh.

At this point, my team had gone from losing a lot, being last in the league, to the 4 seed in the tourney, to winning the first two rounds and waiting to play in the championship game. I described how I was out of my comfort zone and I had been stretched as a leader and a Christ-follower. Jason asked me to share what I meant...

I shared some of my leadership failures, captain challenges and lessons I learned for next season, and my greatest struggle not only on the volleyball court, but in my life.

I said something like this: "It's hard to mess up. There was more pressure on me to be a good volleyball player in this league, because the competition was at a higher lever, verses the intermediate league where I was comfortable and confident. My tendency is to not be able to shake off a shank. I struggle with negative thinking, being too hard on myself, and letting one mistake turn into two, and then cycling into a melt down. This has always been my greatest struggle in sports" (As soon as those words came out of my mouth -- I realized that that is my biggest struggle in life, not just on the court).

"At what point does it become a sin?" Jason asked.
I answered, "When I start focusing on myself."

Major Ah-ha moment.

Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.

One of satan's greatest schemes is to keep me focused on myself.... my adequacy, my talent, my knowledge, my abilities, my circumstances, my comfort, my will, etc.... It's in the midst of this self-centered, self-seeking thinking and behavior that I stumble and sink and truly miss the mark.

God has been speaking to me about this consistently for months and months now... I still don't get it. I'm still struggling with it. But God is still working on me, and He is patient.

I'm sure God is grieved by the way I allow the lies and tricks of the enemy to squash the Spirit in me. When I focus on myself, I naturally shrink back... There is evidence in this by all the blogs in my draft folder, burying my talent. I know that when I am focused on myself, I'm kept in a corner, quiet, cowering in fear and trying to stay as comfortable as possible. I'd rather be a great player in the easier volleyball league then risk failing in the more advanced one. Where is my dangerous witness?

My lack of confidence is what keeps me from being the person God has created me to be and keeps me from doing the things God has called me to do.

I'm not talking about being confident in myself... in who I am or what I can do. I'm talking about having faith to believe God; to be confident in the Holy Spirit, the promises in the Bible, and the commission that has been placed on my life since the day I met Jesus.

I'm talking about confidence in Christ. Even though I haven't aced this "confidence" test yet, I have had some small victories and I am continuing to overcome the lies and fear that so often keep me paralyzed.

I'll never forget what God taught me last year through the Spread Truth New York City mission trip. I'm so excited to be going again this July. I'm more excited to see God move and work in 50 other peoples' lives the way He did in mine last year.

We had our first team meeting last week. We went around the room and briefly shared why we are going on the trip and almost every team member mentioned their fear and comfort zone. I guess I am not the only one who focuses on myself.

All throughout Scripture, God has NEVER called upon adequate people.

“Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossip, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elijah was moody, Moses stuttered, Abraham was old,… and Lazarus was dead. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the CALLED!”

If we wait until it is convenient or we are ready then we will never do anything for God. He never calls us to be able, He is able. He simply calls us to be available. Nothing depends on us anyway! It's God's work and He is the one who does it! It's not our wisdom, cleverness, or persuasive words that are going to convert people to Jesus. It's the Spirit moving. If we keep quiet, than the rocks will cry out! (Luke 19:40)

But we are called to go and make disciples.

Be encouraged by the disciples. They were just fisherman. They were idiots! The reason why God chose them was because they were willing to drop their nets, take up their cross, and follow Jesus. We are following Jesus to New York! We aren't going alone and we aren't going in our own strength.

When they saw the boldness of Peter and John and realized they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished, and recognized that they had been with Jesus. (Acts 4:13)

And when Jesus left, He sent them the Holy Spirit, a helper, so that they could have power from the Spirit to be His witnesses. (Acts 1:8, emphasis mine)

Jesus knew that the disciples in their own strength and power wouldn't be able to start the church or advance the Kingdom. God knows that we can't continue to spread the fame of Jesus on our own either!

When Peter was walking on the water, when did he start sinking?

When he started focusing on himself.

That's why Jesus asked him, "Why did you doubt?" Peter started sinking because he doubted himself. He knew he couldn't walk on water! I'm encouraged by the opportunity Jesus had to rescue Peter and prove His faithfulness. God will give us the words, and he will be with us, even when we fall, to rescue us. (Jeremiah 1: 8, emphasis mine)

Peter stepped out to do something that needed for God to show up. He relied on the Spirit, not himself, and God got all the glory. When we take steps of faith and obedience like this, then we will see God move mightily on our behalf!

I despaired at the thought that my life my slip by without seeing God show Himself mightily on our behalf. (Cymbala, Fresh Wind Fresh Fire)

Do things that need for God to show up. Rely on the Spirit not on yourself, that is why He was given to us. If you wait until you are qualified then you are relying on your own strength and not God's. We can do nothing apart from Christ-- so let's do it in God's strength and give Him the glory! It's not about me. My gifts aren't even about me! They were given to me to use to serve God with the love of Christ.

1. Be willing and available.
2. Say yes.
3. Believe God, trust Him, and have faith.
4. God moves mightily.

If you feel foolish, weak, or lowly-- then God wants to use YOU! If you can stop focusing on yourself enough to believe God, and follow Jesus by getting out of the boat, then you will be able to walk on water.

When my fear that is rooted in selfishness, idolatry, and the lies of satan turns my focus on me.... I am going to shrink back, cower, get discouraged, stumble, fall, mess up, fail.... I'm weak. Lowly. Insecure. Afraid. No matter what mission/calling/task I am given.... My prayer is that I would say yes and go forth for such a time as this. Boasting in my weakness and allowing God's power to rest on me, for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

(1 Corinthians 1:26-2:5)

 

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. (2 Corinthians 11:30)

 

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)