It happened so fast.

Just two months ago, on November 29th... I got a call from my sister Erin saying that Dad was really sick. I had noticed on October 20th at Erin's birthday party that Dad had lost a lot of weight. He was also having some difficulty breathing. I rushed to my dad's house after I got off the phone with Erin to check on Dad. I had this feeling that something was seriously wrong. I was anxious that something was going to happen to him that night and I had to see him immediately.

I shared the gospel. We talked about Jesus. We cried. Hugged. Prayed. 

He has been gone for 16 days, and I feel like I am just now catching my breath from the season where my family and I walked through the valley of the shadow of death. When I look at the timeline, I can't help but realize just how fast everything happened.

December 7th, Dad has cancer.

December 17th, it's stage 4.

December 23rd, Family Pictures.

December 31st, chemo vs. hospice decision

January 4th, admitted to hospice.

January 10th, turn for the worse.

January 13th, 12:02, Dad took his last breaths here on earth.

It happened so fast. Too fast.

I spent every single day with my dad during his last month. Every free moment in his presence. I knew he didn't have much longer to live, so I wanted to make the most of the time left.

I heard amazing stories. I got some precious videos. I fell more in love with my dad than I had ever been before. God had done and was doing miraculous work in my Dad and in our entire family. It's so amazing how God can take the worst situations, the most horrible circumstances, the things that satan intended to use to harm us... and work them together for good, and His glory.

God beautifull restored my family through my dad's disease. Not only did God restore my family to each other, but He restored my father back to Himself through Jesus Christ. There is nothing like that blessed assurance.

To be completely honest, I feel somewhat traumitized by the experience of watching my father go through the dying process. What makes my suffering worth it is the comfort in knowing that there is a healer. And my dad has been healed. And because of Jesus, the shadow of death never had any power over my Dad-- he was led right through that valley into new life with new lungs. Death has been defeated and the grave has lost it's sting. This has been my constant joy during the last 2 weeks of mourning.

I wanted to share with you, what would turn out to be my last few moments with him and his final breaths with all of us.

For those of you who read my last blog, you know that I was praying Dad wouldn't pass away on my sister Rachelle's birthday. Unfortunately, he was fading fast and starting to suffer, so we had to put him on morphine. Dad said that he wanted to wait as long as possible for the morphine, that it was for his death bed.

I broke down when we started the morphine. I knew what it meant. Dad was using every muscle in his entire body to breathe. Gasping for air. As I sat next to him watching him fighting, it was like a needle going through my heart during each and every breath. It was close to midnight, and a few people were leaving the room for a quick phone call or bathroom break. I gladly took the opportunity to have some alone time with Dad.

I held his hand and told him how much I loved him. I thanked him for everything he had done for me. I spent some time just sobbing, expressing to him how much I would miss him. Dad had notecards with Bible verses on them that he would read every single day the last couple months. I talked to him about the hope and truth and peace that we had been reading all along. It was honestly too painful for me to watch him suffer, so I told him that this was just a valley of shadows, and he could walk through now. I assured him that God was with him and would be with us too. I told him that he could let go. It's ok to stop fighting. I told him that he could go be with Jesus in paradise now. As tears flowed off my face onto his chest where his entire body was using ever fibre and bit of strength just to catch one small breath, I had peace. I told Dad that it was ok, that we would be ok.

I didn't want Dad to be alone, so I quickly ran into the hall to tell the others they could come back into the room now. I thought they heard me so I went and grabbed Dad's hand. I was really anxious that my family wasn't coming, and then, his breathing began to change. I panicked and ran into the hallway screaming for everyone to hurry and come. They all entered the room and surrounded Dad's hospital bed. Everyone was there as Dad took his final breaths.

The miracle is that it was 12:02. Dad promised Erin that we would all be there when he passed, and we were. These two things have increased my faith in a huge way. God is good. God is so good. As painful as it was giving Dad permission to go, and as selfish as I feel for being alone with him.... it has, and will forever, bless my soul.




I gave a eulogy at Dad's funeral. I wanted to share it with you:

I would do anything to have one more day with my dad.

He was such a good man, and the best Dad.

He was the most giving person I know. He would do anything for absolutely anyone, no matter what. He loved helping people and fixing things. I know anytime I ever needed anything, it was Dad to the rescue and he would always fix it. I don't know what we will do the next time our car breaks down-- I wish we had just one more day with Dad.

He taught us how to be loving and kind, to all people, even if they did something wrong.

Dad taught us a good work ethic. He taught us that there is always a way. He taught us how to be generous.

He taught some of us how to build houses. He taught others just how to fix the sink, make concrete, or use a hammer. I would do anything for just one more lesson, for one more day.

My siblings and I were joking about how Dad was spending his time in heaven. How on Sunday, he was resting and celebrating his dads birthday, going fishing together. We know he would be back to work soon, as even during his last breaths he was measuring and hammering and working. We think Dad and Jesus would have the best construction company in heaven... I'm sure they are working on a mansion right now.

He taught us how to be good parents.

Everyone has been telling me how much Dad talked about us kids. He was so proud of us. He said, "you know how you wants your kids to do better than you? Well mine did." And we will continue to make dad proud.

We will continue to cherish our precious memories while missing dad telling the stories.

He was the best story teller. Whether it was about Andrew falling asleep on the roof, Rachelle hitting her head on the top of the stairs, Richie's cars, trying to fix Erin's garage door, going to the horse track at Karen's, or my chicken Elvis, Dad told it best, and would always make us laugh.

I know we would give anything to work on one more puzzle, to go fishing one more time, to spend one more day at the horse track, or have one more long car ride talking to Dad.

The good news is that I will have one more day with my dad. Not only one, but forever. The good news is that when I'm with him again there will be no disease, no suffering, no hurt or pain, no tears.

What the enemy intended to harm us with, God intended for good. Through this pain of losing my amazing Father, I can still say bless The Lord and God is good. His hand has been in this and all over my Dad.

Dad had so much peace this last month. Dad was at peace. So we are at peace.

His peace came from the Holy Spirit that was living in him, healing him. Maybe not physically, maybe not in his lungs, but I can tell you that dad has new lungs now, and he is breathing well. I pray that God would draw you near to Himself like he did with my dad. That you would meet my Dad's Jesus that came and rescued him and raised him from death into new life. So you too, could have this comfort and this peace that Dad had. That I have. That you could be at rest, because there is a healer. We praise God, because Dad is worshipping with the whales.

I can't explain or articulate what I'm going through. Words are pale. The only comfort I have in the midst of my overhwhelming feelings and numerous breakdowns is Jesus. His promises. His truth. His grace. His love. His presence.

I have been wishing time would stop so I could catch my breath... Yet, I have been hoping that time would speed up because apparently it all gets better with time. I've felt numb and empty, like I am just going through the motions because I'm not really here. I've stayed extremely busy, and usually grieve at night before bed and when I wake up from a dream about Dad. There are certain triggers that bring tears to my eyes immediately despite my best efforts of keeping it together. When I feel Dad's chapstick I have been carrying in my pocket, when someone says Dad, during commercials about cancer, or cigarettes. When I see a picture of Dad, and realize he is really gone.

I can't explain it.... but I have peace.

It is probably because I am being carried through this difficult time by God's love. I have literally been overwhelmed by people being Jesus to me. I am so grateful for the constant words of encouragement, helping hands, prayers being prayed, and so many cards and gifts with messages of love and comfort. Thank you SO MUCH to my friends and family that have covered me in love and prayers. I do not know how I would have been able to go through this without you. I have been blessed. I am blessed. My heart beats thank yous.

Be at rest, once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

The death of death.

The last 2 days have been the hardest days of my life. I'm sure the next few will be equally hard.

I'm very aware of the small and big ways God is carrying us through this season of the valley of the shadow of death. Each blessing I notice, and I say, "Bless the Lord, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to me."

I told Dad a few days ago my managers were letting me work from home a couple days a week and he informed me that he would not be helping me with any of my work. Thursday the 10th was the day I was approved to work offsite... so I quickly ran to dad's after my last meeting at 11. A couple of Dad's sisters were there while Lois was out at a funeral... and these are the hours I will never forget.

I asked dad the usual... How did you sleep? How are you today? How is your cough? Are you in any pain? Can I get you anything? I love you.... I then proceeded to tell Dad that all of his kids were waiting for an update from me and wished they could be by him. I told him we should send a video. Dad was hesitant at first, and just wanted to send a picture... but I easily persuaded him to send them a video.

I've watched the video probably a hundred times now... Dad says, "Hello everyone. I'm doing better today, getting some rest, and hopefully I'll be better tomorrow. Love you."The video is extra special because it was the moment right before Dad would take a turn for the worse.

Rachelle sent Dad a video back, he watched it twice. I told Dad Karen would be here tomorrow at 10, and he was happy about that. I got dad 12 grapes. Erin came around 3...

Hospice is really wonderful. In some of the literature they gave us, it explained the dying experience. On Thursday around 2 there was a shift that began as Dad went into the actual dying process.

Dad has been eating less and less every day for weeks... but those 12 grapes were his last meal. Dad has been really confused and restless since Thursday afternoon. He has had several periods of hyperactivity, and he has smacked me a couple of times (agitation is normal). My family really likes it that he has been picking on me. I was trying to help Dad get a drink and he wanted to do it independently, he then looked around the room and told everyone that I just wanted all the attention. He has been having a lot of unusual communication. Dad is pulling at the sheets a lot, grabbing at the air, and trying to escape from bed often. Dad isn't getting enough oxygen in his brain which is why a lot of that is happening. Dad has rattling in the back of his throat-- this is distressing to us, but not uncomfortable for Dad.

He slept well last night but has been up all day. When he stops responding his hearing will be the last thing to go. Dad still knows who we are. My mom asked him if he knew who she was today and he said, "Yeah you're Debbie." And then my mom asked him who I saw and he said, 'That's the baby."

Dad began running a fever today and he started coughing a lot. The nurse came and said his lungs were filling up with fluid. Dad is starting to experience lots of pain and discomfort. We started the morphine. (Dad told me days ago he wanted to wait as long as possible to get the morphine.... "that's for when I'm on my death bed.") He is still very uncomfortable and fighting a lot. He has been reaching and looking up a lot. We keep calling hospice asking them to increase dosages.


As I sit here in my Dad's chair... I feel so out of control. My dad has been very incoherent since Thursday around 3 and it's been exhausting and emotional. My brother said, "Why does it have to hurt so bad," as he paced around the room crying. He grabbed his chest, "My heart is broken. He's such a good man he doesn't deserve to be like this."

I can hear Erin in the other room telling my Dad that he will be able to breathe soon and that it is okay.


I have been reading about giving your loved one permission and saying goodbye. "Saying goodbye to your loved one is a final gift. Giving permission to go by saying goodbye helps your loved one not feel guilty for leaving you. It can help to achieve closure and make the final release from life possible. It may be helpful to take your loved one's hand and hold it and then say what you need to say. This may be as simple as saying 'I love you' or 'Thank you for....'. Tears are a normal part of saying goodbye. Tears should not be hidden. They are a sign of your love."

Today is my sister Rachelle's birthday. But we give Dad permission to go at 12:01, which is his Dad's birthday, who he really loves that died about 12 years ago. None of us want him to suffer... and right now he is suffering, as are we.

I won't be able to rest in bed tonight, but I will find my rest in Jesus.

I have been praying one prayer my entire life. And last year in January I read a book called Sun Stand Still that encouraged me to have audacious faith and believe God to do the impossible. At that time I began praying even more for this one prayer.... that I beleived was impossible. That my dad would quit drinking.

In April when Dad's lung collapsed.... that was the biggest miracle of my life.

My Dad has been sober since April 3rd. And I have formed such an even more beautiful, close relationship with him since. It is heartbreaking because I wish I could have had it longer. My Dad has always been the best Dad in the world, and we have always had a great relationship. I never would have traded him for anyone!

I would do anything to go fishing with him again. To put another puzzle together.... to bet on a long shot with him at the horse track.

 But it's okay.

Because God is good. And He never intended for us to die or have this pain. It sucks. But God loves us so much he devises ways to draw us to Him and rescue us. Sitting next to your father as he begs for air is the worst pain I have ever had. But, death has lost it's sting. His name is Jesus. For my Dad.... Even as I mourn I will be celebrating the death of death.

Because I know that God will breathe on my Dad and raise Him to life, awake his soul, and resurrect his bones. Heaven is real and this is our hope. I wouldn't be able to cope without it. I'm thankful for the grace to get grace. I pray God would bless my family with His sufficient grace.

This is good news. This isn't just good news.... this is happy news. It brings joy in the midst of my mourning.

There is absolutely NOTHING better than seeing a loved one come to faith in Jesus Christ. So I praise God for adversity. I praise God for His character. I'm thankful for the way He has restored my family. I'm thankful for the way He continues to rescue us one by one. I'm so thankful that God devises and orchestrates ways for people far from God to be raised to life in Christ. I'm thankful for the precious time I have had with my dad. Sharing the Gospel with him. Talking about Jesus and praying together.

Last night Dad fell asleep and we surrounded his bed. Karen (my sister) suggested reading Dad's Bible verses-- so we read them to him. We also played "it is well." We prayed peace and comfort... peace and comfort... . And today my brother Andrew read Dad's favorite notecard from psalm 23 which says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

My Dad has brought me so much joy this year. A few days ago he told my sister Erin that I was his pastor. And he has been quoting scripture. My cup runneth over.

I'm overwhelmed with emotions about how I wish I could have my dad longer.... but I'm okay. God prepared me over this last year and a half to go through this season of my father dying. My faith has been increased. God is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine!

God's hands are in this. He is with us. And God has prepared me for this.... His Spirit has given me wisdom and revelation to understand the gospel and to experience my adoption. God is good. I am also surrounded by the most amazing family. And I am so thankful for my precious precious friends that have sent thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement to me and my family. Special thanks for my mom, Aunt Brenda, and friend Jenny for bringing us food today! Don't know how I would get through this without being carried by prayers from others.

I tend to minimize and intellectualize-- which I'm doing to cope. But I'm feeling my feelings. After Dad switched into this state I made eye contact with Erin several times and the tears just began flowing down my face because I knew Dad was gone. I texted my siblings and told them to come quickly... I went into the other room and say on the couch and began to cry. My aunt came by me and hugged me and I just balled in her arms. When my brother Drew got here we were moving Dad into the hospital bed that (thank God) came a day early-- exactly when we needed it! Dad fell into Drew's arms as he carried him into the bed. Drew went into the other room and sat in the same place I did earlier and began crying. I hugged him and we sobbed in each others arms.

When the nurse was telling my entire family that Dad only had a day or so left tonight... I stayed by him. I was just sobbing. My brother Drew came in and we were on both sides of Dad talking to him, telling him how much we love him. Dad raised his arm and put it around me and pulled me in. I just laid and cried on his chest. He told me he loved me.

I'll spend the next few hours or day by my Dad as he leaves us and this world... loving my Dad and spending time with my amazing family. We covet your prayers as we go through this most painful experience.... death... the wages of sin is death. But the gift of God is eternal life. I praise God for the death of death. Thank you Jesus.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Revelation 21.

(Hope this made sense. Wrote it quickly while crying. But my brother Andrew just told me to keep it emotional and unedited....)