The death of death.

The last 2 days have been the hardest days of my life. I'm sure the next few will be equally hard.

I'm very aware of the small and big ways God is carrying us through this season of the valley of the shadow of death. Each blessing I notice, and I say, "Bless the Lord, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to me."

I told Dad a few days ago my managers were letting me work from home a couple days a week and he informed me that he would not be helping me with any of my work. Thursday the 10th was the day I was approved to work offsite... so I quickly ran to dad's after my last meeting at 11. A couple of Dad's sisters were there while Lois was out at a funeral... and these are the hours I will never forget.

I asked dad the usual... How did you sleep? How are you today? How is your cough? Are you in any pain? Can I get you anything? I love you.... I then proceeded to tell Dad that all of his kids were waiting for an update from me and wished they could be by him. I told him we should send a video. Dad was hesitant at first, and just wanted to send a picture... but I easily persuaded him to send them a video.

I've watched the video probably a hundred times now... Dad says, "Hello everyone. I'm doing better today, getting some rest, and hopefully I'll be better tomorrow. Love you."The video is extra special because it was the moment right before Dad would take a turn for the worse.

Rachelle sent Dad a video back, he watched it twice. I told Dad Karen would be here tomorrow at 10, and he was happy about that. I got dad 12 grapes. Erin came around 3...

Hospice is really wonderful. In some of the literature they gave us, it explained the dying experience. On Thursday around 2 there was a shift that began as Dad went into the actual dying process.

Dad has been eating less and less every day for weeks... but those 12 grapes were his last meal. Dad has been really confused and restless since Thursday afternoon. He has had several periods of hyperactivity, and he has smacked me a couple of times (agitation is normal). My family really likes it that he has been picking on me. I was trying to help Dad get a drink and he wanted to do it independently, he then looked around the room and told everyone that I just wanted all the attention. He has been having a lot of unusual communication. Dad is pulling at the sheets a lot, grabbing at the air, and trying to escape from bed often. Dad isn't getting enough oxygen in his brain which is why a lot of that is happening. Dad has rattling in the back of his throat-- this is distressing to us, but not uncomfortable for Dad.

He slept well last night but has been up all day. When he stops responding his hearing will be the last thing to go. Dad still knows who we are. My mom asked him if he knew who she was today and he said, "Yeah you're Debbie." And then my mom asked him who I saw and he said, 'That's the baby."

Dad began running a fever today and he started coughing a lot. The nurse came and said his lungs were filling up with fluid. Dad is starting to experience lots of pain and discomfort. We started the morphine. (Dad told me days ago he wanted to wait as long as possible to get the morphine.... "that's for when I'm on my death bed.") He is still very uncomfortable and fighting a lot. He has been reaching and looking up a lot. We keep calling hospice asking them to increase dosages.


As I sit here in my Dad's chair... I feel so out of control. My dad has been very incoherent since Thursday around 3 and it's been exhausting and emotional. My brother said, "Why does it have to hurt so bad," as he paced around the room crying. He grabbed his chest, "My heart is broken. He's such a good man he doesn't deserve to be like this."

I can hear Erin in the other room telling my Dad that he will be able to breathe soon and that it is okay.


I have been reading about giving your loved one permission and saying goodbye. "Saying goodbye to your loved one is a final gift. Giving permission to go by saying goodbye helps your loved one not feel guilty for leaving you. It can help to achieve closure and make the final release from life possible. It may be helpful to take your loved one's hand and hold it and then say what you need to say. This may be as simple as saying 'I love you' or 'Thank you for....'. Tears are a normal part of saying goodbye. Tears should not be hidden. They are a sign of your love."

Today is my sister Rachelle's birthday. But we give Dad permission to go at 12:01, which is his Dad's birthday, who he really loves that died about 12 years ago. None of us want him to suffer... and right now he is suffering, as are we.

I won't be able to rest in bed tonight, but I will find my rest in Jesus.

I have been praying one prayer my entire life. And last year in January I read a book called Sun Stand Still that encouraged me to have audacious faith and believe God to do the impossible. At that time I began praying even more for this one prayer.... that I beleived was impossible. That my dad would quit drinking.

In April when Dad's lung collapsed.... that was the biggest miracle of my life.

My Dad has been sober since April 3rd. And I have formed such an even more beautiful, close relationship with him since. It is heartbreaking because I wish I could have had it longer. My Dad has always been the best Dad in the world, and we have always had a great relationship. I never would have traded him for anyone!

I would do anything to go fishing with him again. To put another puzzle together.... to bet on a long shot with him at the horse track.

 But it's okay.

Because God is good. And He never intended for us to die or have this pain. It sucks. But God loves us so much he devises ways to draw us to Him and rescue us. Sitting next to your father as he begs for air is the worst pain I have ever had. But, death has lost it's sting. His name is Jesus. For my Dad.... Even as I mourn I will be celebrating the death of death.

Because I know that God will breathe on my Dad and raise Him to life, awake his soul, and resurrect his bones. Heaven is real and this is our hope. I wouldn't be able to cope without it. I'm thankful for the grace to get grace. I pray God would bless my family with His sufficient grace.

This is good news. This isn't just good news.... this is happy news. It brings joy in the midst of my mourning.

There is absolutely NOTHING better than seeing a loved one come to faith in Jesus Christ. So I praise God for adversity. I praise God for His character. I'm thankful for the way He has restored my family. I'm thankful for the way He continues to rescue us one by one. I'm so thankful that God devises and orchestrates ways for people far from God to be raised to life in Christ. I'm thankful for the precious time I have had with my dad. Sharing the Gospel with him. Talking about Jesus and praying together.

Last night Dad fell asleep and we surrounded his bed. Karen (my sister) suggested reading Dad's Bible verses-- so we read them to him. We also played "it is well." We prayed peace and comfort... peace and comfort... . And today my brother Andrew read Dad's favorite notecard from psalm 23 which says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

My Dad has brought me so much joy this year. A few days ago he told my sister Erin that I was his pastor. And he has been quoting scripture. My cup runneth over.

I'm overwhelmed with emotions about how I wish I could have my dad longer.... but I'm okay. God prepared me over this last year and a half to go through this season of my father dying. My faith has been increased. God is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine!

God's hands are in this. He is with us. And God has prepared me for this.... His Spirit has given me wisdom and revelation to understand the gospel and to experience my adoption. God is good. I am also surrounded by the most amazing family. And I am so thankful for my precious precious friends that have sent thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement to me and my family. Special thanks for my mom, Aunt Brenda, and friend Jenny for bringing us food today! Don't know how I would get through this without being carried by prayers from others.

I tend to minimize and intellectualize-- which I'm doing to cope. But I'm feeling my feelings. After Dad switched into this state I made eye contact with Erin several times and the tears just began flowing down my face because I knew Dad was gone. I texted my siblings and told them to come quickly... I went into the other room and say on the couch and began to cry. My aunt came by me and hugged me and I just balled in her arms. When my brother Drew got here we were moving Dad into the hospital bed that (thank God) came a day early-- exactly when we needed it! Dad fell into Drew's arms as he carried him into the bed. Drew went into the other room and sat in the same place I did earlier and began crying. I hugged him and we sobbed in each others arms.

When the nurse was telling my entire family that Dad only had a day or so left tonight... I stayed by him. I was just sobbing. My brother Drew came in and we were on both sides of Dad talking to him, telling him how much we love him. Dad raised his arm and put it around me and pulled me in. I just laid and cried on his chest. He told me he loved me.

I'll spend the next few hours or day by my Dad as he leaves us and this world... loving my Dad and spending time with my amazing family. We covet your prayers as we go through this most painful experience.... death... the wages of sin is death. But the gift of God is eternal life. I praise God for the death of death. Thank you Jesus.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Revelation 21.

(Hope this made sense. Wrote it quickly while crying. But my brother Andrew just told me to keep it emotional and unedited....)