It happened so fast.

Just two months ago, on November 29th... I got a call from my sister Erin saying that Dad was really sick. I had noticed on October 20th at Erin's birthday party that Dad had lost a lot of weight. He was also having some difficulty breathing. I rushed to my dad's house after I got off the phone with Erin to check on Dad. I had this feeling that something was seriously wrong. I was anxious that something was going to happen to him that night and I had to see him immediately.

I shared the gospel. We talked about Jesus. We cried. Hugged. Prayed. 

He has been gone for 16 days, and I feel like I am just now catching my breath from the season where my family and I walked through the valley of the shadow of death. When I look at the timeline, I can't help but realize just how fast everything happened.

December 7th, Dad has cancer.

December 17th, it's stage 4.

December 23rd, Family Pictures.

December 31st, chemo vs. hospice decision

January 4th, admitted to hospice.

January 10th, turn for the worse.

January 13th, 12:02, Dad took his last breaths here on earth.

It happened so fast. Too fast.

I spent every single day with my dad during his last month. Every free moment in his presence. I knew he didn't have much longer to live, so I wanted to make the most of the time left.

I heard amazing stories. I got some precious videos. I fell more in love with my dad than I had ever been before. God had done and was doing miraculous work in my Dad and in our entire family. It's so amazing how God can take the worst situations, the most horrible circumstances, the things that satan intended to use to harm us... and work them together for good, and His glory.

God beautifull restored my family through my dad's disease. Not only did God restore my family to each other, but He restored my father back to Himself through Jesus Christ. There is nothing like that blessed assurance.

To be completely honest, I feel somewhat traumitized by the experience of watching my father go through the dying process. What makes my suffering worth it is the comfort in knowing that there is a healer. And my dad has been healed. And because of Jesus, the shadow of death never had any power over my Dad-- he was led right through that valley into new life with new lungs. Death has been defeated and the grave has lost it's sting. This has been my constant joy during the last 2 weeks of mourning.

I wanted to share with you, what would turn out to be my last few moments with him and his final breaths with all of us.

For those of you who read my last blog, you know that I was praying Dad wouldn't pass away on my sister Rachelle's birthday. Unfortunately, he was fading fast and starting to suffer, so we had to put him on morphine. Dad said that he wanted to wait as long as possible for the morphine, that it was for his death bed.

I broke down when we started the morphine. I knew what it meant. Dad was using every muscle in his entire body to breathe. Gasping for air. As I sat next to him watching him fighting, it was like a needle going through my heart during each and every breath. It was close to midnight, and a few people were leaving the room for a quick phone call or bathroom break. I gladly took the opportunity to have some alone time with Dad.

I held his hand and told him how much I loved him. I thanked him for everything he had done for me. I spent some time just sobbing, expressing to him how much I would miss him. Dad had notecards with Bible verses on them that he would read every single day the last couple months. I talked to him about the hope and truth and peace that we had been reading all along. It was honestly too painful for me to watch him suffer, so I told him that this was just a valley of shadows, and he could walk through now. I assured him that God was with him and would be with us too. I told him that he could let go. It's ok to stop fighting. I told him that he could go be with Jesus in paradise now. As tears flowed off my face onto his chest where his entire body was using ever fibre and bit of strength just to catch one small breath, I had peace. I told Dad that it was ok, that we would be ok.

I didn't want Dad to be alone, so I quickly ran into the hall to tell the others they could come back into the room now. I thought they heard me so I went and grabbed Dad's hand. I was really anxious that my family wasn't coming, and then, his breathing began to change. I panicked and ran into the hallway screaming for everyone to hurry and come. They all entered the room and surrounded Dad's hospital bed. Everyone was there as Dad took his final breaths.

The miracle is that it was 12:02. Dad promised Erin that we would all be there when he passed, and we were. These two things have increased my faith in a huge way. God is good. God is so good. As painful as it was giving Dad permission to go, and as selfish as I feel for being alone with him.... it has, and will forever, bless my soul.




I gave a eulogy at Dad's funeral. I wanted to share it with you:

I would do anything to have one more day with my dad.

He was such a good man, and the best Dad.

He was the most giving person I know. He would do anything for absolutely anyone, no matter what. He loved helping people and fixing things. I know anytime I ever needed anything, it was Dad to the rescue and he would always fix it. I don't know what we will do the next time our car breaks down-- I wish we had just one more day with Dad.

He taught us how to be loving and kind, to all people, even if they did something wrong.

Dad taught us a good work ethic. He taught us that there is always a way. He taught us how to be generous.

He taught some of us how to build houses. He taught others just how to fix the sink, make concrete, or use a hammer. I would do anything for just one more lesson, for one more day.

My siblings and I were joking about how Dad was spending his time in heaven. How on Sunday, he was resting and celebrating his dads birthday, going fishing together. We know he would be back to work soon, as even during his last breaths he was measuring and hammering and working. We think Dad and Jesus would have the best construction company in heaven... I'm sure they are working on a mansion right now.

He taught us how to be good parents.

Everyone has been telling me how much Dad talked about us kids. He was so proud of us. He said, "you know how you wants your kids to do better than you? Well mine did." And we will continue to make dad proud.

We will continue to cherish our precious memories while missing dad telling the stories.

He was the best story teller. Whether it was about Andrew falling asleep on the roof, Rachelle hitting her head on the top of the stairs, Richie's cars, trying to fix Erin's garage door, going to the horse track at Karen's, or my chicken Elvis, Dad told it best, and would always make us laugh.

I know we would give anything to work on one more puzzle, to go fishing one more time, to spend one more day at the horse track, or have one more long car ride talking to Dad.

The good news is that I will have one more day with my dad. Not only one, but forever. The good news is that when I'm with him again there will be no disease, no suffering, no hurt or pain, no tears.

What the enemy intended to harm us with, God intended for good. Through this pain of losing my amazing Father, I can still say bless The Lord and God is good. His hand has been in this and all over my Dad.

Dad had so much peace this last month. Dad was at peace. So we are at peace.

His peace came from the Holy Spirit that was living in him, healing him. Maybe not physically, maybe not in his lungs, but I can tell you that dad has new lungs now, and he is breathing well. I pray that God would draw you near to Himself like he did with my dad. That you would meet my Dad's Jesus that came and rescued him and raised him from death into new life. So you too, could have this comfort and this peace that Dad had. That I have. That you could be at rest, because there is a healer. We praise God, because Dad is worshipping with the whales.

I can't explain or articulate what I'm going through. Words are pale. The only comfort I have in the midst of my overhwhelming feelings and numerous breakdowns is Jesus. His promises. His truth. His grace. His love. His presence.

I have been wishing time would stop so I could catch my breath... Yet, I have been hoping that time would speed up because apparently it all gets better with time. I've felt numb and empty, like I am just going through the motions because I'm not really here. I've stayed extremely busy, and usually grieve at night before bed and when I wake up from a dream about Dad. There are certain triggers that bring tears to my eyes immediately despite my best efforts of keeping it together. When I feel Dad's chapstick I have been carrying in my pocket, when someone says Dad, during commercials about cancer, or cigarettes. When I see a picture of Dad, and realize he is really gone.

I can't explain it.... but I have peace.

It is probably because I am being carried through this difficult time by God's love. I have literally been overwhelmed by people being Jesus to me. I am so grateful for the constant words of encouragement, helping hands, prayers being prayed, and so many cards and gifts with messages of love and comfort. Thank you SO MUCH to my friends and family that have covered me in love and prayers. I do not know how I would have been able to go through this without you. I have been blessed. I am blessed. My heart beats thank yous.

Be at rest, once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

The death of death.

The last 2 days have been the hardest days of my life. I'm sure the next few will be equally hard.

I'm very aware of the small and big ways God is carrying us through this season of the valley of the shadow of death. Each blessing I notice, and I say, "Bless the Lord, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to me."

I told Dad a few days ago my managers were letting me work from home a couple days a week and he informed me that he would not be helping me with any of my work. Thursday the 10th was the day I was approved to work offsite... so I quickly ran to dad's after my last meeting at 11. A couple of Dad's sisters were there while Lois was out at a funeral... and these are the hours I will never forget.

I asked dad the usual... How did you sleep? How are you today? How is your cough? Are you in any pain? Can I get you anything? I love you.... I then proceeded to tell Dad that all of his kids were waiting for an update from me and wished they could be by him. I told him we should send a video. Dad was hesitant at first, and just wanted to send a picture... but I easily persuaded him to send them a video.

I've watched the video probably a hundred times now... Dad says, "Hello everyone. I'm doing better today, getting some rest, and hopefully I'll be better tomorrow. Love you."The video is extra special because it was the moment right before Dad would take a turn for the worse.

Rachelle sent Dad a video back, he watched it twice. I told Dad Karen would be here tomorrow at 10, and he was happy about that. I got dad 12 grapes. Erin came around 3...

Hospice is really wonderful. In some of the literature they gave us, it explained the dying experience. On Thursday around 2 there was a shift that began as Dad went into the actual dying process.

Dad has been eating less and less every day for weeks... but those 12 grapes were his last meal. Dad has been really confused and restless since Thursday afternoon. He has had several periods of hyperactivity, and he has smacked me a couple of times (agitation is normal). My family really likes it that he has been picking on me. I was trying to help Dad get a drink and he wanted to do it independently, he then looked around the room and told everyone that I just wanted all the attention. He has been having a lot of unusual communication. Dad is pulling at the sheets a lot, grabbing at the air, and trying to escape from bed often. Dad isn't getting enough oxygen in his brain which is why a lot of that is happening. Dad has rattling in the back of his throat-- this is distressing to us, but not uncomfortable for Dad.

He slept well last night but has been up all day. When he stops responding his hearing will be the last thing to go. Dad still knows who we are. My mom asked him if he knew who she was today and he said, "Yeah you're Debbie." And then my mom asked him who I saw and he said, 'That's the baby."

Dad began running a fever today and he started coughing a lot. The nurse came and said his lungs were filling up with fluid. Dad is starting to experience lots of pain and discomfort. We started the morphine. (Dad told me days ago he wanted to wait as long as possible to get the morphine.... "that's for when I'm on my death bed.") He is still very uncomfortable and fighting a lot. He has been reaching and looking up a lot. We keep calling hospice asking them to increase dosages.


As I sit here in my Dad's chair... I feel so out of control. My dad has been very incoherent since Thursday around 3 and it's been exhausting and emotional. My brother said, "Why does it have to hurt so bad," as he paced around the room crying. He grabbed his chest, "My heart is broken. He's such a good man he doesn't deserve to be like this."

I can hear Erin in the other room telling my Dad that he will be able to breathe soon and that it is okay.


I have been reading about giving your loved one permission and saying goodbye. "Saying goodbye to your loved one is a final gift. Giving permission to go by saying goodbye helps your loved one not feel guilty for leaving you. It can help to achieve closure and make the final release from life possible. It may be helpful to take your loved one's hand and hold it and then say what you need to say. This may be as simple as saying 'I love you' or 'Thank you for....'. Tears are a normal part of saying goodbye. Tears should not be hidden. They are a sign of your love."

Today is my sister Rachelle's birthday. But we give Dad permission to go at 12:01, which is his Dad's birthday, who he really loves that died about 12 years ago. None of us want him to suffer... and right now he is suffering, as are we.

I won't be able to rest in bed tonight, but I will find my rest in Jesus.

I have been praying one prayer my entire life. And last year in January I read a book called Sun Stand Still that encouraged me to have audacious faith and believe God to do the impossible. At that time I began praying even more for this one prayer.... that I beleived was impossible. That my dad would quit drinking.

In April when Dad's lung collapsed.... that was the biggest miracle of my life.

My Dad has been sober since April 3rd. And I have formed such an even more beautiful, close relationship with him since. It is heartbreaking because I wish I could have had it longer. My Dad has always been the best Dad in the world, and we have always had a great relationship. I never would have traded him for anyone!

I would do anything to go fishing with him again. To put another puzzle together.... to bet on a long shot with him at the horse track.

 But it's okay.

Because God is good. And He never intended for us to die or have this pain. It sucks. But God loves us so much he devises ways to draw us to Him and rescue us. Sitting next to your father as he begs for air is the worst pain I have ever had. But, death has lost it's sting. His name is Jesus. For my Dad.... Even as I mourn I will be celebrating the death of death.

Because I know that God will breathe on my Dad and raise Him to life, awake his soul, and resurrect his bones. Heaven is real and this is our hope. I wouldn't be able to cope without it. I'm thankful for the grace to get grace. I pray God would bless my family with His sufficient grace.

This is good news. This isn't just good news.... this is happy news. It brings joy in the midst of my mourning.

There is absolutely NOTHING better than seeing a loved one come to faith in Jesus Christ. So I praise God for adversity. I praise God for His character. I'm thankful for the way He has restored my family. I'm thankful for the way He continues to rescue us one by one. I'm so thankful that God devises and orchestrates ways for people far from God to be raised to life in Christ. I'm thankful for the precious time I have had with my dad. Sharing the Gospel with him. Talking about Jesus and praying together.

Last night Dad fell asleep and we surrounded his bed. Karen (my sister) suggested reading Dad's Bible verses-- so we read them to him. We also played "it is well." We prayed peace and comfort... peace and comfort... . And today my brother Andrew read Dad's favorite notecard from psalm 23 which says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

My Dad has brought me so much joy this year. A few days ago he told my sister Erin that I was his pastor. And he has been quoting scripture. My cup runneth over.

I'm overwhelmed with emotions about how I wish I could have my dad longer.... but I'm okay. God prepared me over this last year and a half to go through this season of my father dying. My faith has been increased. God is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine!

God's hands are in this. He is with us. And God has prepared me for this.... His Spirit has given me wisdom and revelation to understand the gospel and to experience my adoption. God is good. I am also surrounded by the most amazing family. And I am so thankful for my precious precious friends that have sent thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement to me and my family. Special thanks for my mom, Aunt Brenda, and friend Jenny for bringing us food today! Don't know how I would get through this without being carried by prayers from others.

I tend to minimize and intellectualize-- which I'm doing to cope. But I'm feeling my feelings. After Dad switched into this state I made eye contact with Erin several times and the tears just began flowing down my face because I knew Dad was gone. I texted my siblings and told them to come quickly... I went into the other room and say on the couch and began to cry. My aunt came by me and hugged me and I just balled in her arms. When my brother Drew got here we were moving Dad into the hospital bed that (thank God) came a day early-- exactly when we needed it! Dad fell into Drew's arms as he carried him into the bed. Drew went into the other room and sat in the same place I did earlier and began crying. I hugged him and we sobbed in each others arms.

When the nurse was telling my entire family that Dad only had a day or so left tonight... I stayed by him. I was just sobbing. My brother Drew came in and we were on both sides of Dad talking to him, telling him how much we love him. Dad raised his arm and put it around me and pulled me in. I just laid and cried on his chest. He told me he loved me.

I'll spend the next few hours or day by my Dad as he leaves us and this world... loving my Dad and spending time with my amazing family. We covet your prayers as we go through this most painful experience.... death... the wages of sin is death. But the gift of God is eternal life. I praise God for the death of death. Thank you Jesus.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Revelation 21.

(Hope this made sense. Wrote it quickly while crying. But my brother Andrew just told me to keep it emotional and unedited....)

Be still, my soul; there is a healer.

12/23/2012

December 7th at 1:40pm, my sister Erin told me, "Dad has lung cancer."

I would spend the next 10 days hanging out with my dad, staying as busy as possible, getting sick and trying to recover, researching a lot about lung cancer, and finding comfort in the promises found in God's word.

December 17th, 3:00pm-- Our first appointment with the cancer doctor to find out the staging, treatment, and prognosis.

The whole family was gathered in the doctors office.... waiting.

Waiting for the news.

Just how bad is it?

The doctor came in asking lots of questions and did a physical examination of Dad. He finally began talking about the lung cancer...

I was holding my breath.

I didn't really understand the results he was reading from the PET scan until he finally said it...

Stage 4.

I knew what that meant. I had been reading about it for the last 10 days. My heart sank and my eyes began to search the room... I looked at dad... tears began to stream from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Those two words were the words I had been dreading the last 10 days, and the words I had been dreading my entire life.

So... Dad has Stage 4 Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer (Squamous Cell Carcinoma). The left lung is completely covered, and it has spread into the right lung, the abdomen cavity, and the abdomen. We are currently waiting on brain mri and bone scan results to tell us the extent of it in the brain and bones. We are waiting on tests to see the kindney/liver function. Chemo has been ordered but we are just waiting until these test results to decide on whether or not Dad can take it. We will be making that decision a few days after Christmas.

Our treatment options are very limited due to Dad's current functioning status. He is at a 100% resting functioning status. He is having major difficulty breathing. He has also been having rapid weight loss and is struggling to keep food down. Every case is different and Dad's is unique and complex, especially because he also has Histoplasmosis.

But Dad isn't letting it keep him down! He has been coming to church with us at Eastview which really blesses all of us, and yesterday we were able to have family pictures taken with our entire family! Prints have already been ordered! It was hard to smile through the emotions that came with the pictures, knowing that these would be some of our last pictures with Dad...  

I love my Dad and I am so proud of him. I can't believe the strength he is showing despite the overwhelming physical weakness. My Dad was made in the image of God (we all were). He is so gentle. And giving and kind. And strong. He is a very simple man. I just love my dad.

The last 7 months have been such a gift. Such a blessing. When Dad's lung collapsed on April 3rd, it was a miracle he lived. Drew (my brother) and I were talking about how it is such a gift to know that we only have limited time with Dad so we can make the most of it, and truly cherish and embrace him and each other and make precious memories with Dad during his last days here on earth.

"For we will surely die and are like water spilled on the ground which cannot be gathered up again. Yet God does not take away life, but plans ways so that the banished one will not be cast out from him."  -- 2 Samuel 14:14 

It's very difficult to accept the reality of his condition. Dad said he was okay with dying, we all die, but he just wasn't ready to die yet. We have been working on making a bucket list. Unfortuantely if Dad gets a tattoo he will get kicked out of his house! :) I said, "Dad you can have it your way for the rest of your life!" He responded by saying he didn't want anything, that he has everything he needs. We did get him a new TV and smart phone, which he is enjoying. :-)

Despite our hope in heaven, we are still in a lot of pain and suffering. My sister Rachelle noticed Dad's work boots sitting on the floor and mentioned how he would never wear them again. Dad still has people calling him wanting him to build them a house. My sister Rachelle has been saving up for Dad to build her a house. Dad really wants to fix Erin's broken garage. We told Dad we needed to have a retirement party! What girl doesn't want her Dad to walk her down the isle? I know it is really hard for my brother and his wife who just had their first baby, who won't get to enjoy her grandpa. It's very difficult for us.

I thought my Dad was the healthiest he has ever been..... Answered prayers for sure! Then to find out the opposite, the worst news, that he is dying.... But.... This is where my unexplainable peace comes....

Be still, my soul; there is a healer. Here is where the bad news is bad but the good news is better. This is where I find comfort...

God NEVER intended for us to die. He created us to live forever, in perfect harmony. Unfortunately sin ruined His perfect plan. And now we have pain, suffering, disease, and death. So it's no suprise how painful this is, even with our eternal hope. Cancer sucks.

I'm definitely grieving.... but not like the rest of the world, with no hope. I'm grieving in confidence. The best day I have ever had with my Dad, was on Easter when we were in the hospital after Dad's lung collapsed, and we took communion together. Dad's physical health may be failing, but I believe he is being healed. So often we miss the miracles because they aren't a cure for cancer, but God is moving mightily on our behalf, that's for sure.

Genesis 50:20 says "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done; the saving of many lives." 

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." This is the truth I cling to, because I know God's character, and He who promised is surely faithful. I love this verse because despite the bad circumstances we are being faced with, God is bringing good out of it. God is good no matter what happens. And He is working for our good. What an awesome God.

God is our healer. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. But the Lord is our Good Shepherd. Who came and is coming to give us life, and life to the fullest.

In Psalm 23 it talks about how God shepherds his flock. Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we don't need to fear. Because it is just a shadow. Shadows can't hurt us. Death has lost it's sting. The grave has been overcome. Death is just a shadow for those who are in Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:55-57 says, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

My joy comes from the truth that God raises the dead. Not just Jesus and Lazarus. But anyone who accepts and transfers their trust will be raised to new life. In the midst of the worst news I've ever heard, the good news is greater. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

There is something so powerful about understanding the character of God and the Gospel of Jesus. It is good news. God is good. And he loves us. I'm comforted because God made himself vulnerable and left His heavenly throne to come down and suffer with us. He knows how we feel. He lost His only son. God loves us and hates suffering so much that He got involved in it with us. His name is Jesus. Now, we are more than conquerers. It wasn't in vein, but it was to end all evil, all suffering, and to take away the agony of death. I don't know why God allows.... But I do know that He loves us. He cares. And He is good.

How perfect is it that we are about to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. My family is mourning this Christmas, but God cries too. God understands what we are going through. The baby in a manger is proof. Jesus being born is the beginning of the crushing blow to satan's head that God promised Adam and Eve in Genesis 3:15 before He kicked them out of the garden. And the happy news for us is that the baby would one day grow up and hang on a cross for us, which was the next step in the end of our enemy, satan, who comes to kill... but Jesus came to give us life. His blood ended the power of sin and His resurrection takes away the sting of death. And "God will soon and very soon crush satan under our feet."  - Romans 16:20.

Praise to the God of all comfort:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

⁸ We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,^[a] about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. ¹⁰ He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, ¹¹ as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 

                                                                                   - 2 Corinthians 1:3-11

It is still very scary for me, the family, and my Dad. I truly covet your prayers. That Dad would be comforted. That he would have peace, rest, and hope. Pray too for my family, that they would also be comforted and have peace, rest, and hope.

Most of all, pray for healing. That my Dad would be healed.

I'm so thankful for the people that let me know they are thinking of and praying for me, and say they are here for me if there is anything I need. We are definitely on a cancer journey... My prayer is that people would come to know Jesus, who is our only hope in and through this. He is the only reason I'm able to cope with the things of this world. Praying for all to meet my Jesus, and have life to the fullest... so they too would be able to conquer and overcome sin and death and cancer.

Be still, my soul; there is a healer.

The thief.

October 10th, 2012

I went to the Spread Truth banquet last night. One word. Amazing.

I love how intimate and personal God get's with us, His children. His Word is definitely alive and active. The Holy Spirit is moving mightily on our behalf. #freshwindfreshfire

I am overwhelmed with thankfulness to God my Father for His pursuit of my heart and the way He comes to rescue me. He has used Spread Truth and Jim Cymbala to speak to me and open the eyes of my heart to give me wisdom and revelation. I'm thankful for people and the introduction to new people, and for the way God knits lives together. My words will run out if I try to describe how thankful I am for the people I have in this season of my life. What a beautiful God. Words are pale.

I'm thankful that God willed for me to go to New York through Spread Truth. But the life changing transformation started before I even got on the plane. It started on June 25th & 27th when I attended Spread Truth Story training and heard Jerry McCorkle share the beauty of the Story, the beauty of the Gospel, and the beauty of how my story fits into God's story.

My favorite thing Jerry talked about was the garden of Eden. I love how God works. When He is teaching me something.... He makes it obvious because He knows I have the faith of a mustard seed.  He will usually use His word, and a few other people to make it clear to me. I love when what God is speaking to me when I'm alone in my heart... gets confirmed over and over again afterwards by other people and Scripture. A friend recently told me that is called "multi media messages."

My obsession with the garden of Eden started when Mike preached on Eve for the Leading Ladies sermon series on June 24th. How cool is it that the very next day I would hear more about the garden through Jerry! Another tool God is using is the Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd Jones. "The Terrible Lie" starts on page 28. Get it and read it ASAP! I bought that book the day I got home from the Spread Truth training. I fell in love with the idea that "Every story whispers His name" and "God loves His children so much He comes to rescue them." There is a reason why Nicki Green can't read that book without crying... Because in Genesis 3:15 Jesus' name is first whispered, and God loved us so much that He wrote Himself into the Story to rescue us. Promise made. Promise kept. #donzo #itisfinished

God has really spoken to me through the story of the garden of Eden about my own life and the schemes of satan. There is a reason why Jesus took Cleopas back to the beginning on the road to Emmaus, to explain what was said in all the Scripture concerning Himself. Because God's story, the Bible, is all about Jesus, every story whispers His name. I pray that my eyes would be opened and I would be able to recognize Jesus more and more. I don't want Jesus to call me foolish because I am slow to believe all that the prophets have spoken. "Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things to enter his glory?" (Luke 24)

Spread Truth has been God's tool in my life of helping me understand The Story. The big Story. The greatest Story in the whole wide world! The Story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them.

I find 2 lies/tricks/deceptions in Genesis 3 that satan used on Adam and Eve and He continues to use in my life on a daily basis, and in yours too, I'm sure. "Did God really say that?" And "Does God really love you?" Satan doesn't want us to believe and trust God, and He doesn't want us to know how much God loves us.

Profound. Take a moment to think about how satan has used those lies and tricks in your life.

I have written about 15 blogs in the last 3 months, but I haven't published any of them. I've been in a season of condemnation, a season of paralysis because my gospel has been off-centered. I can't explain it very well... but I can blame satan, and blame myself for believing His lies. The truth is... I am sinful, just like Eve. That is the problem. That's why. I have a sin problem. The Bible says "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)" And "No one is righteous, not even one. (Romans 3:10)"

But God.

But God loves His children and comes to rescue them. And His name is Jesus.

Satan is tricky. But greater is HE that is IN YOU than he that is in this world. You see, the Holy Spirit is our Helper that Jesus sent to us. He does it all!!!! He has done it all. He initiates. He loved us first. He draws us to Himself. He gives us wisdom and revelation! Praise God!

Last night Jim Cymbala talked about the thief. John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He focused on the first part though- how the thief comes to steal. We are all New Yorkers in the fact that satan is always trying to steal from us. Satan doesn't want your things... He is a spiritual being. He wants to stop us from advancing the kingdom of God. He doesn't want us to go and make disciples like Jesus commissioned us to do. How does he do that? By stealing your first love, Jesus. By stealing your calling. But Jesus has come to recover your stolen property.

Satan has robbed me of my confidence, my voice, my identity, and my calling. How? By getting me to doubt what God said to me. By tricking me to not understand God's great love for me. By deceiving me so that I don't beleive God is trustworthy, and making me think I can be happy apart from God.

The WALK study at church has been a blessing from God. I praise God for this adversity I have been facing because it is growing me. The trials, testing, and temptations are hard and painful but God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. He is always working for my good and His glory. Always.

Satan is the father of lies. He has tricked me pretty good lately, getting me to keep my mouth shut about the good news of the grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am so selfish in my flesh. I make it all about me. Satan tempts me to do that. Then he condemns.

So here is what happened: Someone told me I was a good writer. It freaked me out. A bunch of people read my last blog and commented on it. I was convicted about my motives. I was writing so people would know me, and then accept me and love me. My blog was an attempt at self-salvation. I wanted to be a good writer and I wanted it to give me value. I wanted to use it as a way of making myself higher, to get more love from people. The same is true about my facebook. That sin and those fleshly desires were brought into the light by the Spirit and the power of the gospel. I saw my sin for what it really was. And it was ugly. Then satan condemned. I deleted my facebook. I began a "social cleanse" and withdrew from almost everyone and everything for a few weeks. I couldn't speak. I hated myself. The thief was silencing me. He was stealing a gift God gave me and a calling He had for me. The thief comes only to steal...

The WALK study and my House group eventually forced me to come out of hiding. It was time. Satan loves to take our gifts and shift them just a little bit to make them about our glory and not God's. But God's gifts aren't for us. They were given to us to serve other people and glorify God. They were given to us to use for the purposes that God prepared in advance for us to do.

The Gospel IS power. And when it is preached, in transforms lives. It is transforming mine.

I couldn't write because I was too ugly and had impure motives. I felt pressure to be a good writer. I wanted to impress people and earn their love. I ended up writing but nothing was good enough to publish. Nothing was worthy. I wasn't worthy.
But God is alive! He spoke to me about my blog. Satan came to steal my gift and steal my voice and steal my blog and steal my calling.

Here is what I realized. It is not about me. At all. In any way. I deserve nothing but death on a cross and eternity in hell. But God has given me gifts for His glory and His purpose! I use to like to write because I wanted people to know me and love me. Something has changed. Now I want to write because God is moving in me and I want to share the good news. I want to spread the truth. I can't keep it in! I will not be silent anymore. It use to be about me. But now I just want to obey God and use the gifts He has given me for His kingdom and His purpose. Apparently writing out my thoughts is a calling. I'm not doing it to get acceptance... I am writing from a place of already being totally accepted. I just want to speak Truth because that is what I am called to do.

If I ever write anything good, it is absolutely not me. I have nothing good to say. I have no wisdom. But sometimes when I quiet myself, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams... and I get real close to God. Real close to His word and His children... I can hear His voice. Sometimes these thoughts just start to spin in my head and get impressed on my heart and they are usually inspired by the Word or people.... Which is how God speaks... then I just have to write them out! I'm sure satan doens't want me to share them because they are from God.

The valley I was in was painful. I will eventually edit and publish the blogs I wrote during that pit. They are so raw I'm scared of what people will think. But God has grown me so much in the last few weeks as I mourned and drew close to Him. It sucks when our idols are revealed and begin to be uprooted. But I must decrease so that He can increase.

If I ever write anything good... it will be because it is from God. Inspiried by God. I'm glad I realized this. Yesterday Jim Cymbala was talking about His wife Carol and how she leads the best choir in the whole wide world, yet she doesn't even know how to read music!

How can this be???

God.

This is how God works. He makes foolish the wisdom of the world. He uses weak things to shame the strong. He sent Jesus to save the world as a baby and then hung him on a cross. He calls fisherman. He uses foolish tools in the hands of weak people. It has nothing to do with me. I am literally NOTHING apart from God. And I can do nothing apart from Him.

I thank God for revealing this Truth to my soul. Now when I write... I'm not thinking about what people will think about me. I'm not wondering if this will make people love me. Or accept me. I'm not doing it for me anymore.

Now that I am getting out of the way... I am making room for God to work, if He wants to.

So I will go where he wants me to go and say what he wants me to say and I will walk in the dust of my Rabbi Jesus. And I will pray for His Spirit and that He would give me the words to say. I am thankful for the Gospel and discipleship, more than anything in this world! To be in line with the gospel and in step with the spirit is my goal, and I am thankful that the Holy Spirit is doing the work in me to accomplish that.

So, I'm thankful for Jim Cymbala. For how God spoke through Him into my heart. He is just a regular guy, but He is anointed!!!! Spread Truth is just another ministry, another method... but it is ANOINTED! Both have changed my life in such monumental ways, because God is with them.

God is so good. He has come so that we may have life abundantly. He is always at work for our good, and His glory. Always. Jesus has come so that we may have life, and have it to the full.

I'll go with you. #sayyes

I went to New York with Spread Truth, to share the story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them. View the Story. 

One of the first people we talked to when we got to New York City said, "This is divine, this is how God works." His name is Shaun. And he is right! That is when I had this revelation.

"This is how God works..." #divine

It was almost exactly a year ago, July 14th, 2011, when I told Nicki Green that I needed someone to help me with my life. God would end up using her to show me His pursuing love. But it started even before that with her sister, Katie, when I was in high school. And actually it started even sooner than that when Chad Monahan gave me the greatest gift a person could receive- an introduction to the God who loves them. You see, we all need rescued. God knows that and comes to save us! And it actually started way before my story ever even began.


I'm sure you know the The Story... God's story.... the Gospel... The Story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them.

In the beginning, God created everything to be perfect. No sickness, sadness, disease, etc... Adam and Eve were the first humans. There was perfect harmony in the garden of Eden.

One thing I know is that we are all longing for what Adam and Eve had in Eden. We know what harmony is because we experience disharmony every day. Because of the fall. Because of sin.

Unfortunately God has an enemy. Adam and Eve had one rule- one test of obedience. The serpent pursuaded and deceived Eve. Satan made Eve believe she could live independently of God and be happy. When she believed satan's lie and rebelled against God and ate the fruit from the forbidden tree, sin entered her heart and the world. Adam too. Everything was flawed. Everything was ruined.

Don't be mad at Eve, you would have done the same thing. We are all deceived by satan. We all have fallen short. No one is righteous, not one. We have all rebelled. We are all enemies of God. We are all guilty. All have sinned. We are needy. The world is full of the consequences of the sin that took place in the garden of Eden, and every day since then. The world and everything in it is broken.

And this is where we get eveangelism.

"But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?'"

God was pursuing Adam and Eve. God was pursuing His children.

I have come to truly relate with Eve. Satan's schemes haven't changed! He deceives you then condemns you. Fear, guilt, and shame plagued Adam and Eve so when they heard God coming they were scared and hid. That is the same thing I do. Satan always reminds me that I'm naked. I wear lots of figleaves.

God declared right there in the Garden of Eden in Genesis 3:15 that he would send a remedy to bruise the head of the serpent. God had a rescue plan. #hisnameisJesus

God looked into the world that He created and loving us, He sees our need for rescue. So He wrote Himself in as Jesus Christ who died on a cross to save us. #goodnews

God works the same way today as He did in the beginning, in the garden. He pursues us. Chases us. Asks "Where are you?"

God is on a relentless pursuit of His lost children. And He sent His son Jesus to rescue them. And He now sends His disciples to be fishers of men and snatch others from the fire. That is how God works. He orchestrates and ordains divine appointments.

This is where we get the great commission. To go and make disciples means to share God's love. To be a vessel of God's love. His pursuing love. Because God wills for all to come to a knowledge and understanding of Him. God wants everyone to have the gift of eternal life. This is where we get to participate in God's story. To be willing and available to be used, to be seeds, and to be shovels. #letsdig

I thank God every day for saving me, and for rescuing me at such a young age. God pursued me when I was 13. And I didn't know it at the time but my entire childhood God was protecting me and preparing me for what He had planned for me! I didn't do anything to earn it or deserve it. It truly was a free gift that would forever change my life. God sent people into my life to share His unconditional love and total acceptance with me. It's beautiful how God manifests His glory in people through the Spirit to reveal His son and overflow His love to His children. God has overwhelmingly blessed me with people like that. About a year ago God would send me an amazing "Paul" to disciple me and help Christ to be formed in me. It already has and continues to change my life. One word=discipleship.

"Follow me as I follow Christ..." That right there, is why I went to New York. I was following as closely as possible in the dust of my rabbi. Following Nicki, following Jesus.

Nicki always says, "This is how God works in my life all of the time!"
Before we went to New York, we practiced sharing the gospel at ISU. Nicki and Missie were able to share their story of God's pursuit of Missie through Nicki. God loved Missie so much he sent His workers to share His love with her. And instead of going to prison she went on a mission trip. God is so good. Awesome story. But it is just a part of a much bigger story. So is mine. So is yours.


When I was talking to people in New York I made sure to tell them God was pursuing them. I was asking people "Where are you?" for God. I made sure to tell them "God loves you so much he sent his son Jesus to die for you and He is pursuing a relationship with you right now." I told some people that I came all the way from Illinois to New York to talk to them- that I had been praying for them- and that God wanted me to talk to them and share His love with them. I told some young boys that the only reason I was talking to them was because God loved them and wanted them to know it. I was trying to give them the greatest gift I ever received, (besides my salvation), -- an introduction to the God who loves them.

People thought I was foolish and crazy. I talked to blind and deaf people, literally but mostly metaphorically. Their hearts are hardened and they have been decieved. New York is full of people who are longing for Eden and they don't even know it. They need rescued. Seeing their false saviors broke my heart. I wish they knew my Jesus. I will pray. Holy Spirit move.

"It's dark out there. But we don't have a darkness problem, we have a light problem." -Brooklyn Tab

God reveals his love for people by pursuing them. The work of God can only be carried on by the power of God. God has never lacked the power to work through available people to glorify His name. The beautiful thing is that he lets us participate in His mission- all we have to do is make ourselves available and be willing to say yes when he calls. I can't believe I said yes to New York. I honestly will follow Nicki anywhere because I have never had any desire to go to New York. She is the best person to follow because she believes God to do the impossible, she is always willing and available and says yes, and sees God move mightily on our behalf all the time-- it's how God works in her life.

While we were there we heard one of the most amazing sermons ever. God spoke to me through it. (And I'm not the only one-- which makes it very special.) And His word to me was grounded in countless promises repeated in the Scriptures. I wantd to share parts of it with you.


In 1 Samuel 26 David asked Ahimilech and Abishai, "who will go with me?" Ahimilech was silent and kept his mouth shut, but Abishai said, "I'll go with you." The enemy wants to keep us quiet. He whispers doubt and discouragement to keep us paralyzed in fear. But some people are crazy enough to do anything, because they believe God is who He says He is, and can do what He says He can do. Abashai said yes, and was used by God, and witnessed a miracle, and has a story to tell now. In 1 Chronicles 11 David talks about his three mighty warriors. Then it says, Abishai the brother of Joab was chief of the Three. He raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed, and so he became as famous as the Three. He was doubly honored above the Three and became their commander, even though he was not included among them.

Even though everything inside of Abishai was telling him to be quiet, he said yes. He did something that needed for God to show up. His faith and obedience set the stage for God's power and miracles. "You will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses." Acts 1:8

So I pray that God would kill the Ahimilech spirit in me and I would be able to hear the Holy Spirit whisper even though satan is screaming. I pray to say yes when God calls. I pray to be a fearless witness with my mouth, and that I wouldn't let satan keep it closed anymore. I pray I would be willing to do anything for God.

"After they prayed, they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." John 17:31

Speak the truth in love- fearlessly. God uses foolish tools in the hands of weak people to build His kingdom. Backed by prayer and His power, we can accomplish the unthinkable. God desperately wants you to come to Him. He chases you. Tries to hem you in. Tries to get your attention. His love and passion for you is so real. He wants everyone to come to a knowledge of the truth. #freshwindfreshfire

My trip to New York was great! I got to share the gospel and pray for a ton of people. I had a few encounters in Central Park that have made me fearless. I loved being able to share the gospel in sign language. And in Spanish. God loves using weak people. Because habla un poco espanol. lol

I really loved worshipping at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. And I loved attending their prayer meeting. One thing I was convicted of and have come to understand more is the power of the Spirit and of prayer. Only Jesus saves people. When I prayed for people I just met, or people I didn't even know on a prayer card- I believed that God could do impossible, immeasurable things. When I shared the gospel with people- I did not feel confident in what I was saying- but I was confident that God brought me to that person for a reason. God loves His children, and is trying to rescue them. Even the weak, foolish, lowly, least-likely sinners.

The best part about my trip is how I feel now that I am home. Spread Truth trained me and prepared me to be a more dangerous witness here in Bloomington/Normal. I don't think I will have any encounters like the ones I did in New York- but if I do I will not be afraid, because I understand better now what evangelism is all about. Prayer, seeds, ditches, the Spirit, and only Jesus saves. And I am up for the challenge of making disciples. New York gave me eyes for the lost and a heart that is burdened for them. God's word has given me a sense of calling. And the Spirit is moving me.

I just want everyone to have what I have. The people in New York are so lost. They are wandering and searching and blind to what they are looking for. So are people here in Bloomington/Normal. All over the world. They may find some good idols to save them for a while- but they need the good shepherd, the one true savior. I just want everyone to have my Jesus. I want them to experience rescue like I have. Because it was for freedom that Christ set us free, and Jesus came to give us life and life to the fullest. I just want to share the love that has saved my life. I pray that I would do it fearlessly no matter where I am, as I should.

I'll go with you.

I will not be silent. 

I despaired at the thought that my life might slip by without seeing God show himself mightily on our behalf. 

Believe God to do the impossible. 


Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit.

Let's pray.

Lessons from Peter.

I love hearing one of my friends talk about how God works, and how often she sees Him moving mightily all around her, on a constant and continual, daily basis. I loved even more being with her when it happened, having a front row seat to divine appointments and God's relentless pursuit of His children.  I was amazed at the power of the Holy Spirit that was moving in and through her. She was/is so sensitive to the Spirit. She is anointed.

I wanted that. 

I was hungry for it. 

I was reading about it in God's word.

I started seeking it. 

God's word says "Seek and you will find," and He who has promised IS faithful. 

I realized my inadequacies. My greatest days and best moments are filthy rags. I started desperately seeking the Holy Spirit because I knew I could do absolutely nothing without Him. I knew I wasn't able. But I read that God is able. I was convicted to be available to be used by God. Who am I that God would let me participate in His work? Who am I that God is mindful of me? It's crazy how much God loves us!!! But this is why He sent His son Jesus to die for us- to show us His great love for us, to rescue us, so we could experience our adoption as His sons and daughters. 

What I was feeling inside and seeing around me wasn't matching up with what I was reading in God's word. I wanted more. I wanted to experience the love of God. I wanted miracles. I wanted to witness God moving in mighty ways just like I was reading all throughout the Bible and just like my friend was sharing how she knew God was real and alive in her life. 

I wanted that so bad.

But I'm weak. I am totally inadequate. Am nothing, have nothing, can do nothing. Recently I've been very discouraged with myself and am so insecure, lacking confidence. I'm convicted because what I think and feel isn't lining up with God's word and what He says about me. I know it is the schemes of satan. He is working the same way he worked in the beginning, in the garden, in Genesis 3. He deceives. He speaks lies. He speaks death. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy. He is good at it. Unfortunately he has been successful in my life too many times!

God spoke to me about this today.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved. Hebrews 10:35-39

So I will rebuke satan in the name of Jesus. And I will speak to my mountains and they will become level ground. And not by might nor by power, but by God's Spirit.

The word of God is definitely alive and active. So much proof. God is so cool.

I was encouraged. Yet, later in the evening I was discouraged again. Satan snuck into my mind through   an issue and I immediately started condemning myself. Lies flooded my mind. Call me dory- I forgot what God had spoken just earlier that day. Stupid sheep. But I had really messed up. I had really sinned. Really functioned like the old Laura, in old ways and old patterns. I was weak. My weakness was revealed. I felt shame. I wanted to run and hide. Call me eve. Give me some fig leaves. 

Really tried to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ- but let's face it- this is my biggest struggle. I was hating myself. Negative thoughts plagued me once again. Yet, I was so excited and focused on New York. So started reading Fresh Wind Fresh Fire:

That evening, when I was at my lowest, confounded by obstacles, bewildered by the darkness that surrounded us, unable even to continue preaching, I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit how desperately they need him. Our weakness, in fact, makes room for His power.  

Jesus called fisherman, not graduates or rabbinical schools. 

I despaired at the thought that my life might slip by without seeing God show himself mightily on our behalf. 

 I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 1 where God says he chooses foolish, weak, lowly things. That we should only boast in the Lord. It's hard to do that when you are reminded of your weaknesses and they are affecting relationships and people around you. God spoke yet again through His word:

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. 
Therefore, in order to keep my from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 11:30 & 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

So how do we boast only in the Lord? By boasting in our weaknesses. It seems foolish to praise God for your thorn, for the issue you have had since high school, for the torment that Satan causes me.... It is foolish! But that is the way God works! He uses foolish things. Weak things. Lowly things. And what satan meant to steal, kill, and destroy me, God will use for my good, His glory, to save the lives of many!!!! Wow.

And about New York... I am excited to go. God has been speaking to me so much and I am feeling so called. It's scary. I naturally want to shrink back because of the lies of satan that I'm believing. But I thank God for that thorn, for my weakness-- so I can depend more on God's love and the finished work of Jesus.

God's word confirms our calling:

I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said 'You are my servant; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.' Isaiah 41:9 

They will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted. Isaiah 63:12 

The word of the Lord came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.""Alas, Sovereign Lord,"I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am too young."But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am too young.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant." Jeremiah 1:4-10

So I am going to read Fresh Wind Fresh Fire and pray to be filled with the Holy Spirit. And I am going to believe God to do the impossible on our trip. And I am not going to shrink back. I will go to whoever God tells me to and say whatever God tells me to.

I am going to step out of the boat. I believe I can walk on water in Christ Jesus. Not because I can, but because God can. And I pray that I don't make the same mistake Peter made by focusing on himself, doubting himself, and sinking. But that when I feel weak, or it is obvious that I'm weak and unable, incapable, and inadequate... I would boast in that so that Christ's power may be revealed and the glory of God would manifest itself in me.

I don't want to sink and I don't want to shrink.

I want everyone to know about the relentless pursuit of a loving Father, who seeks us, pursues us, calls out "where are you?" And sends himself to rescue us. We are no longer abandoned or unworthy, but we are called, holy, royal, sought after and no longer deserted. Chosen and not rejected. I'm excited to share that with people in New York, because that is what saved my life, and that is what continues to save me every single day.

And I will let you know what happens when God's Spirit invades the hearts of His people....

New York.

God spoke to me through Zechariah today. The first 4 chapters are so amazing!  Here are some things the Lord said in Zechariah:

Return to me and I will return to you.
I am very jealous for Jerusalem and Zion.
And I myself will be a wall of fire around it, and I will be its glory within.
I am coming and I will live among you.
The Lord rebuke you, satan!
Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit.
What are you, mighty mountain? Before Zerubbabel you will become level ground.
These are the two who are anointed to serve the Lord of all the earth.

What caught my attention was when the Lord said that these are the two who are anointed to serve the Lord... It made me think of a partnership in the Gospel, like Jesus and His disciples, like Paul and Timothy. Like Zechariah and Haggai. Like Zerubbabel and Joshua.

Zechariah 4:11-14

The I asked the angel, "What are these two olive trees on the right and the left of the lampstand?" Again I asked him, "What are these two olive branches beside the two gold pipes that pour out golden oil?" He replied, "Do you not know what these are?" "No my lord," I said. So he said, "These are the two who are anointed to serve the Lord of all the earth."

I googled what this passage meant.

The olive trees/branches were pouring oil into the lampstand, empowering it to give it light. The candle/lamp represents the church. The trees represent evangelists or ministers that are serving God, doing God's work, digging, building, in His name, and at His command. Basically the two trees are people who have christ in them, and they are casting light to those in the house- in the church, edifying the body in love.

The two branches are anointed ones- received direction from the Lord- empty themselves into the bowl/church/light to keep the lamp burning. The branches are God's workers.

God doesn't need us though. He could keep his lamp burning without us, but He wants us to participate in His work, but it is not by strength nor might, but by His power. That is what anointed means- Spirit in you.

I have been dilegently seeking and praying to be filled with the Holy Spirit, to be led and guided by the spirit, sensitive to the Spirit, in step with the Spirit, etc... so I think that is why I was drawn to this story.

The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. -Matthew 26:41

Not by might, not by strength, but by my Spirit. -Zechariah 4:6

I began to read and learn about Zechariah and Haggai, who I had never paid much attention to. But I was immediately encouraged by their stories. And I loved learning about Zerubbabel and Joshua. Zechariah had a vision for Zerubbabel.

Zerubbabel was building the house of the Lord. Rebuilding it actually. And what did he have in his hand? A shovel. All he could do is dig ditches. Be an instrument. God again chooses the weak and unlikely. And He calls them to bring about great things. Like a tree from a mustard seed.

Sometimes we need to lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus. Nothing of works; it's all about grace. Our callings are just what God has graced us to do.

I was really encouraged by Zerubbabel who tapped into the best power source possible, the Holy Spirit, and He empowered Him to face the impossible, insurmountable, discouraging situations that he wouldn't have been able to handle on his own.

Zerubbabel had a mountain in front of Him, and Zechariah said, "What are you, mighty mountain?" He was talking to the mountain.

The mountain represents anything that is insurmountable. Anything that seems impossible. The mountain is discouragement.

I've recently been very discouraged and felt defeated and unable to face my mountains. I wanted to shrink back. Satan deceives and lies and the mountains speak discouragement. But here I see Zechariah speaking back to the mountain. He says the mountain will become level ground.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. Acts 1:8

As it is written in the book of the words of Isaiah the prophet:
"A voice of one calling in the wilderness, 'Prepare the way for the Lord, make straight paths for Him. Every valley shall be filled in, every mountain and hill made low. The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth. And all people will see God's salvation.'" Luke 3:4-6

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Luke 11:23-24

So we need to speak to the mountain of defeat and discouragement. We need to fight.

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

When I share my testimony I usually use this verse... but it has recently become so much more to me. The Spirit has made it powerful, because it is not by my strength, not by my might, but by the Spirit of God.

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from the darkenss for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vendeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn
and provide for those who grieve in Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

This along with Genesis 50:20 has become my life verse because it takes my old life, my adversity, and turns it into my minstry, my calling, and how God worked all things together for my good, for His glory, to save the lives of many. It makes manifest the glory of God in my life. I have recently started believing that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me. I don't know about being anointed- but I know the Spirit lives in me. And I want to proclaim good news, the Gospel, to the poor. I want to comfort the brokenhearted with the comfort I have been given because of my broken heart. I want people to understand that it is for freedom that Christ set us free, and they don't need to be burdened by a yoke of slavery, prisoners of the law. In Christ, we are new creations. He turns ashes into beuty. And the oil of joy- is His Spirit, His anointing in us so we can be righteous in Christ. And it's not our works. It's all grace. So God gets all the glory.

In college I use to always tell my friends "don't buy the lies!"

It may be discouragement, sickness, family strife, dysfunction, insecurity, intimidation, caparison, fear... Name the mountain and speak to it in Jesus' name! Declare the Word of the Lord over it. We are more than conquerers, we are overcomers, so we can defeat the mountains and obstacles that we are faced with.

GREATER is He that is in you than he that is in the world.
Mountains be leveled.
Not by might nor by power but by God's Spirit!

God specializes in the weak, the foolish, the small, the despised...

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the strong; God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things-- and the things that are not-- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God-- that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord."
1 Corinthians 1:27-29

What lies is the enemy telling you?

What dreams has God put in you? What is the impossible thing you are believing God for?

"not by might nor by power but BY MY SPIRIT says the Lord!"

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. 1 Peter 2:9-10

We have fresh oil. God is anointing us- ready to pour out His Spirit upon us to prepare us for service in His kingdom. We will do "greater works" than Jesus. Touch the sick and heal them. Bring hope and peace to the world- lift up the downtrodden and deliver the oil of gladness to the brokenhearted. Speak the words of life into a dying and dark world. New York.

We'll be a city on a hill burning brightly... Light to the world, shining Your glory. Send us in your power.