Receive.

My broken heart is leaking. I'm wounded. At the well.



John 5:1-9-- The Healing at the Pool

Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals.  Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. ³ Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”
“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”
Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

 I can relate to this man. Sick. Paralyzed. Needing a doctor. Needing healing. At the pool of healing. But I'm not being healed. However, I do not want to be there for 38 years....

"For my people have done two evil things: They have abandoned me-- the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all." Jeremiah 2:13
I've exchanged my glorious God for worthless idols. It's like sitting at the pool of healing but not getting in. We have the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead living in us. We have the pool of healing in us! We have a river of living water, a fountain that never will run dry, a deep well, the one and only source that satisfies living in us!


God is pursuing me. It's undeniable. He is after my heart, and he won't relent until He has it all. He is chasing me. He loves me. It's like I forgot who God was and who I was, but I am being reminded. I'm starting to remember. The Holy Spirit in my heart is bringing revelation so I can know God better.
God has been speaking to me through a lot of different things and people. The Holy Spirit is convicting me and revealing the truth and giving me the courage and strength to fulfill my calling-- to be a child of God and to go and make disciples. Very hard to not shrink back into my comfortable dysfunction. Very difficult to feel able or adequate or worthy. Very hard to be brave when I have so much fear- but I have to believe that the same power that conquered the grave, lives in me. Humbled that God wants to let me be a part of His will and has graced me with opportunities to be involved in His work and Kingdom. Now I get to choose Him back. I need to get into the healing pool and be healed. I don't want to sit next to it, waiting for 38 years. Such a time is this (Esther 4:14).
God has been gentle with me. I can literally see His handprints all over the last year of my life.
God is preparing me for what He has already prepared for me. I guess I'm like Esther, going through beautification process. I started going to counseling recently because I realized I was completely functioning out of woundedness and needed help being healed so I could step out of my prison because the chains had already been broken.

This last week God continued to speak clearly. I wasn't living like a child of God. I didn't know who I was in Christ. I was living with a bad lens, projecting, and my foundation was on the lie that I'm unlovable. That I don't even deserve to be lovable. Again, wounded. It wasn't my fault, but now it is time to take responsibility. I need to know and believe, receive and accept the Truth- which is what God says. Time to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinth 10:5). I realized I was needy. I realized I couldn't fix it or ever be good enough. And I realized that the Holy Spirit is here to help transform me- I need to cooperate. I'm setting my sail and going to try to not fight the wind too much.

An out of town visitor gave me some homework to do. She encouraged me to draw a picture of God. Of who I feel God is- not who I think God should be. She also challenged me to write a letter to myself from God. Then, analyze who I was believing God to be and what my relationship with Him looks like based on my picture and letter.
What did I draw?

I drew several pictures. The first image I had in my mind of God was a dissapointed face- an "I expected more and you let me down" face. I then began to draw a scene from my past... My basketball coach with their hands on their hips, me on the bench with my jersey and hands over my face, head down, crying, feeling like a failure.

I then realized I was projecting my feelings. God is not like my basketball coach, nor is He like an alcoholic dad, or an imperfect friend. I have been confused about God for a long time. I have been confused about the Gospel for a long time as well. The hurts from relationships have become such deep wounds and have become my identity, and I have believed lies to be truth that I live by. I made people into gods and expected them to love and rescue and accept me... and since their love wasn't perfect and lasting there must be something wrong with me. I have been mistaking God's love to be like human love. Since I have never experienced perfect love on earth, I projected that on God. I was believing my feelings like they were truth. I intellectualize everything- so I do know the truth in my head about who God is and who I am in Christ, but I never shed light into that darkness before now. So I get it in my mind... And my picture then changed.

I wanted to draw Dory from Nemo or a cracked pot leaking... because it seemed like I just keep forgetting who I am and who God is and forgetting the truth. But the reality is... I haven't known or believed the truth in a really long time. I haven't been forgetting, I just have been believing a lie this whole time. Since I believe the lie and don't think i'm lovable or deserving, I have been rejecting the truth.

My next picture is where I am currently at. I drew another dissapointed face. This wasn't a shaming, condemning face. It was a Father who is dissapointed that his daughter won't believe him, won't even look at him. A father who is sad that his daughter is calling him a liar and just threw the gift he gave her back in his face. A father who is dissapointed that his daughter won't receive or accept his love, his perfect, neverending, unconditional, satisfying love. A father who just wants to provide, comfort, fill and satisfy his desparate, longing, needy, little girl.

I then ended up drawing a little girl sitting on a bench, hiding her face and eyes, covered in rain, alone. I can't even see God to draw Him because I refuse to look... I refuse to receive... because my shame and core belief is that I'm not good enough or worthy.

But, I do know in my mind that God is with me and loves me. The Gospel is bringing light to my darkness. God has called me to be healed from that- to replace the lies with the Truth, and to receive the gift, accept it, and live like a child, be who I am called to be and do what God has prepared for me to do. So I really hope to be able to draw a Father holding his daughter soon.

Not gonna share my whole letter but here is a part of it:

"Open your eyes. Believe me. I'm not a liar. Receive and accept my perfect gift. I sent my only son to die because I wanted to be with you. I am faithful you can trust me. I love you and promise to never fail you.I choose you, my beloved child- please accept your adoption I want you to know how loved you are. I'm sorry thy hurt you, but they weren't created to love you like only I can. Please don't project your feelings on me- I'm not him. I know you are scared but do not be afraid I am good. I will not take my love away. I will not abandon you or leave you as an orphan. There is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less. My grace can and will heal you. Come to me, rest in my arms. Open your eyes and see I'm holding you, crying too, and washing your feet. I know this world is hard and the enemy whispers lies to you, but I give you my Spirit, He will help you, you have the same power as Jesus did, remain in my love. It is finished. You are healed, you are free. I'm with you, I'm in you, I will help you. Stand up, now, walk, and live. I love you please don't forget it. You are my child, remember who you are.

**Homework: Accept and receive the free gift. Be loved by your Father. His grace will heal you. Know and believe the Truth and it will transform you. #Receive

God is so jealous for me. God wants to be the one I stop hiding from and am vulnerable with. God wants to be the one I lift my head to, open my eyes to, run to, lean on, depend on, rely on, turn to, rest in, and be filled by. He wants to prove that He is the ne and only Source that can satisfy. He wants me to heal by His perfect love and grace. I can't expect a broken person to fix me, or expect them to love me like I need. BUT God promises to do that. His love is perfect. He can and will love me to wholeness.

I'm being romance, loved, and healed by Jesus. I'm not going to exchange my glorious God for worthless idols anymore. (Well, kinda...still am and always will be a work in progress until Christ comes back, or I die. lol.)

I love that I am learning to rely and depend on Jesus, not myself, not other people, but on God- who is my total help! And I'm experiencing this in my heart, not just in my mind! #miracle #thanksHS

So I will continue to study who Jesus is, what He said and did, and the character and nature of God. So that I can know and believe the Truth, not my feelings or lies. And I hope and pray that soon the picture of God I have in my mind and the reality of our relationship will be a loving Father, holding his beloved child. Believe it until you see it.