Grief Share

 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." 

--Matthew 5:4

It's been one month since my dad passed away... One month. And I am still so scared of my grief. I'm tired and empty but I continue to go, go, go because if I stop... I have to deal with losing my father. When I stop I get flooded with emotions. Sometimes the pain that comes with feeling my feelings is too much to bear, so to cope, I avoid going there at all.

Denial (stage 1 of grief) is helping me to survive by pacing my feelings, only letting in as much as I can handle. Denial has helped me through the overwhelming reality of my father's death. To get past this... you have to start accepting the reality. As you get stronger the denial begins to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

"'Blessed are those who mourn,' is more necessary than 'rejoice in the Lord always' because there can be no true rejoicing until we have stopped running away from mourning."

Sin is running from God. I didn't realize until lately that I have been running as fast as I can. I'm running away from mourning. Not even just mourning my father's death... but mourning a lot of things from my past. Satan has been very pleased with my "busyness," but God being rich in mercy has come, yet again, to rescue me. I've come to this place of being "swallowed up by a big fish."

I recently realized from the Holy Spirit through a wise friend and two sermons last Sunday that my lack of rest and withholding from God is disobedience. Call me Jonah. I've been unable and unwilling to lean into my pain. I've been self-protecting from God and others. My heart has become rebellious and hardened because of my lack of trust in God. But right now... I'm stuck in the belly of a whale.

It's interesting because when God told Jonah to go preach in Ninevah he rejected that calling and ran the other way to Tarshish. Jonah ended up being thrown overboard because he caused the oceans to rage. Our consequences are a direct result of our sin. Jonah refused to go to Ninevah, but God refused to let him run away. What's your Ninevah? What's your Tarshish? God gave Jonah a second chance to obey. But first, Jonah had to be swallowed and rescued by a big fish. While in the belly, Jonah prayed. "From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God." (Jonah 2:1)

Prayer is the way we run toward God. God works all things together for our good and His glory. He is constantly making all things new, but the first step is our repentance (changing mind, going the other way).

"The Word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time. 'Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you.' Jonah obeyed the Word of the Lord and went to Nineveh..." (Jonah 3:1-3)

I'm desperate for God to revive me. I'm broken. Weak. I am nothing and have nothing. My unworthiness is overwhelming. If God wants me to go to Ninevah... he is going to have to spit me out there. But first, I will spend 3 days praying in the belly of a fish.

"Jesus praises those who can enter into solidarity with the pain of the world and not try to extract themselves from it."

One of my Ninevahs is mourning my father's death. I've only been going there subconsciously in my dreams. But I have decided to stop running and enter the place I've been avoiding the last month. So while I'm in this fish I will give grief it's time and turn. A friend encouraged me to walk THROUGH hard times head on without avoiding the pain, because Jesus is with me. Jesus told us that in this world we would have trouble, but to take heart because he has overcome it all. He is a great Shepherd and a great comforter... He walks with us through the valleys.

The second stage of grief is anger, which is necessary for the healing process.

We have to be willing to feel our anger because the more we feel our emotions the more they begin to dissipate and the more we can heal. Underneath that anger is pain.

I opened up a grief book and the first thing that I read was "It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned." This took my breath away. I can't even articulate my thoughts or feelings that get stirred up by the word "abandonment." It's too much to bear. For now... I will stick with the anger.

Bargaining is the third stage. I'm constantly saying "if only...." and "what if...." statements. I wish I could go back in time. I feel guilty. My natural tendency is to find fault in myself and satan is quick to remind me that I am naked. I know that there is no condemnation and it's not my fault but I have to do something to bargain with my loss. I will do anything not to feel the pain that is just so painful.

Depression: The present. Empty feelings and grief has entered my life on a deeper level, deeper than I ever imagined. I want to withdraw from life, because I'm in such a fog of intense sadness. I can be moved to tears almost instantly, and this leads me into isolation and hiding so people won't see my vulnerability. But according to the experts, grief is a process of healing, making depression one of the many necessary steps along the way.

One thing I have recognized with my grief is that the stages are responses to thoughts and feelings that come and go and can last for minutes or hours, possibly days... Acceptance is about accepting the reality and living in a new way. I think the key is to feel the feelings when they come, but more importantly I think for me it's important to stop running away from them.

My Ninevah is Mourning. My Ninevah is Resting.

I know that I'm wounded. But lately I'm feeling called... Called to heal. Called to help, to heal others. To be a wounded healer. Only God can bring purpose and meaning to our pain and suffering. Only Jesus can turn our adversity into ministry. Genesis 50:20. To save the lives of many. Isaiah has been my "testimony verse" for a long time. But just recently it has really come to light...

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."Isaiah 61:1-3

Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted. The pain seems too painful to feel so we stuff and ignore it, but Jesus is able to heal it. God sent Jesus to heal the brokenhearted. The opposite of love is self-protection. Since it's painful to feel the feelings I run and hide... I pretend it doesn't exist. Satan uses fear, guilt and shame to keep me wounded and in a prison, paralyzed. But it was for freedom that Christ set us free. So I have decided to give Jesus access to my wound. I'm opening my heart to God, and I'm asking him to visit it and heal it.

"We will never experience the angel of comfort until we enter into the mourning.... the admission of what is deepest within us can be done only with an angel of comfort."

We have to mourn in order to be comforted. Jesus came to comfort all who mourn, to give them beauty for ashes, joy for mourning. Yes there is somebody that can comfort you and heal you. Yes there is somebody that can stretch His hand and help you. Yes the wound is not necessary to remain there forever nor you are doomed to stay forever locked in a prison. Stretch your hand to the Lord. Go to His throne with boldness to find help in a time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16). We all need help. We all suffer from wounds and all we need the Lord to deliver us from them. He can sympathize with our weaknesses and we can find the help, the encouragement and the healing that we need.

"For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

"It is not enough for us within the arena of the world's pain merely to know of a God who sympathizes. It is not even enough to know of a God who heals. We need to know of and be connected with a God who experiences with us, for us, each grief, each wound. We need to be bonded with a God who has had nails in the hands and a spear in the heart."

We all have wounds and we must deal with them someway. We might stuff them. Ignore them. Run from them. Try to hide them. We may focus on other people's problems instead of our own. We may have an addiction that we use to cope with our stress and to comfort ourselves. But the truth is the world and everything in it is broken...we are needy, in need of rescue! Our attempts at self-salvation are pale in comparison to the comfort that comes from the love of Christ.

I was recently called arrogant because I continue to minister without withdrawing. If Jesus needed to wake up early and pray, and go home early to be alone with God, and would leave crowds of people that needed healing to retreat and refuel with God... and he was the savior of the world.... then I think I need to do that too. God didn't need to rest yet after creating the world he did. He rested and He is our example.

So I am going to Ninevah.... to mourn... and to rest... "....and I will give you rest."

I wrote this in remembrance of Ryan McDannold and my father, Richard Karr, to comfort my precious high school friends and dear family who are mourning with me today. February 13th, 2012

The 5 Stages of Grief