Moving Guests to Family Members

I had the privilege of attending the “Intentional Church Conference” hosted by the First Christian Church of Decatur on Saturday. Gene Appel was the featured speaker, and hundreds of church pastors and leaders gathered to be inspired and equipped on growing their ministries.

Gene’s message was about how to change your church without killing it, and without killing you. Like usual, he used his favorite vacation spot in Minnesota as an analogy for his main points. In order to get to the fishing sweet spot at the lake, Gene and his family have to go through the rough channel and some dangerous water to reach the beautiful fishing paradise. Not many boats are willing to do the work it takes to get to this spot, but the fish are worth it! Why change? What is the purpose? Jesus understood the reality of the human condition—that’s why he was so focused on every single person he came across. The truth of the matter is that if the church doesn’t change, it will die. And it can’t die because we need to reach lost people who matter to God!

The Gospel is all about change. Newness, new song, new birth, new heaven, new covenant, new relationship, all things new—the gospel is all about changing lives! Gene compared the steps for growing the church with growing crops: Prepare the soil, plant the seed, cultivate (weed, water), and harvest. Like fishing, to get the best harvest you must do the work required. Gene reminded us that between Egypt and paradise, there was a wilderness... Don't quit during step one or three and miss out on the rewarding harvest.

I was especially touched with the story about a young man who brought Gene a bullet after a sermon one Sunday. He told Gene that he was planning on killing himself that week- but after hearing the gospel he decided that there might be hope for him. This young man’s life was saved because that church changed. Gene’s main point was that it doesn’t matter if it’s one life, 10 lives, 100 or 1,000 lives…. It’s all God and they all matter! If we don't change, we will die.

I was also able to hear an expert on assimilation speak about moving guests into family members. Nicki Green, the pastor of involvement at Eastview Christian Church, said, "I could talk about this for days because it is what I am most passionate about and what God created me to do." Nicki is a gifted speaker with a lot of experience and success in guest services. Her message is desperately needed, which was evident when several more chairs had to be brought into her session, making it the largest one at the conference.

Recap from the session:

Nicki gripped the audience right from the start with her intro on grace. She shared a story about a mother who was prostituting her 2 year-old daughter out for money to support her drug habit. When the mother was asked if she ever considered going to church, she explained that that would only make her feel worse. It seems as though the people who flocked to jesus in the bible no longer feel accepted among his disciples—what has gone wrong? (Yancey, what's so amazing about grace)

The key to moving guests into family members is to create teams that love lost people. We need to recruit key volunteers that can model love. "If you can't love that mother who was prostituing her daugher, then you won't be able to love the people that are coming into your church."

The guests entering our church are not people that have their lives together.... they are needy, messy, sinful, lost people in need of a savior. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. It's crucial that we understand that we were once lost, too. And it is our calling and mission to be Jesus and be His church, meaning we too should love lost people, and love the sinners that come through our church doors. Not only should we love them, but we should welcome them into our family.

How do we do that? Good question. The answer will practically look different for every church, however the principles are the same for all.
 

Communicate vision: It's not about the task, it's about the mission. Nicki shared a story about how her church recently made a big change in the way that they do communion. This change resulted in giving her communion prep team more than double the work they were previously doing. However, this allowed their church to all take communion together, as a family, and to spend more time on remembering the body and blood of Jesus and less time on passing a tray. We must look at the why behind the what, the mission not the task! If we do this, than the ushers won't see their jobs as passing a bucket and handing out bulletins, rather they will understand that they are guests' first impressions and they have one of the most important roles in the church.

We also need to be intentional and celebrate victories! Nicki shared that she gave her parking team a vision of running out of bus drivers on sunday mornings because they are all attending church. As the parking team began thinking of creative ways to be intentional and share God's love with the drivers, seeds were planted and began to grow. A couple of the drivers joined a small group without even attending an Eastview service yet-- that was a victory to be celebrated! Left with just a task, our volunteers would lack vision and get burnt out. But if they understand the why behind the what, and what is at stake, then they will make a huge difference for the kingdom.

As church leaders, pastors, and christians, we are called to love others with the love we have received. Going along with the idea of "loving lost things," Nicki read the parable of the lost son. The father stood waiting on the porch for his son to come home for hours, for days, for months, maybe years. When the boy finally came, his dad was ready! He was so eager and expectant that he ran off the steps to kiss his son and lavish his love, that the son definitely didn't deserve. We should be the father at the door waiting in our churches. Our guests are lost, and we want to be that father when they come to church, when they come home-- even if they've never been and don't even know it is home.
 

Expect guests! We need to wear a yes face! Nicki shared a story about Thomas Jefferson and his troops crossing a treacherous river. A stranger came across the group and asked Thomas for a ride across on his horse. When they reached the other side a man came up and asked the traveler why he would ask the president of the united states. The stranger stated that he didn’t know he was the president, he had just looked around and everyone else’s faces said no. Let's be approachable, let's wear a yes face!

 

We also need to be real, authentic, transparent... the people at church should be more loving than the people at the bar, or in AA, because we have God's love and grace. Let us not become proud in thinking that we have saved ourselves. When people come late to the recovery meetings, they are greeted with kisses and praises, there are so many other places they could have gone!
 

Often Christians expect God to clean the fish before we catch them! Our hearts were gripped yet again as we heard a story from the Brooklyn Tabernacle. By the end of the session, Nicki had inspired the numerous churches represented in the room to take steps forward to be more like Jesus, and change their churches to be more like Jesus so that the same people that flocked to Him in the bible would be drawn to our churches. It's all about grace and love, and accepting them right where they are, no matter how smelly, dark, or messy! This is what moves guests into family members! "If you have any purpose in my work-- it has to do with this odor. This is the smell of the world I died for." (Cymbala, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire)

Make Jesus Famous. {Good Friday}

I quit my "career" at Prudential almost exactly a year ago today (Friday, March 30th, 2012) to go into full time ministry. I guess you could say I left my nets to follow Jesus, even though I had no clue where he was taking me. God had been softening my heart for months prior to March 12th, 2012 when I would read James 4 "Boasting About Tomorrow" and feel called into ministry. I quickly found a temp job at State Farm and started working there on April 2nd.

It's funny how I remember dates. I remember the next day, April 3rd... I had just won a volleyball game at Eastview and was going out to eat with my team when I got a phone call from my sister and she said, "Dad's lung collapsed, he is on his way to the emergency room." I remember sobbing on the way to the ER thinking that my Dad was going to die. Little did I know that this would be the day that I had prayed for more than anything in the world-- the day my dad would stop drinking and everything would change. At the time though, I didn't realize Sunday was coming. It just felt like Friday.

I will always remember April 8th, 2012, Easter Sunday last year... when Nicki Green would bring my family communion at the hospital and share the gospel with my dad, for maybe the first time ever. I will never forget listening to her explain that when the veil was torn in half, from top to bottom, that Jesus became our high priest and granted us full access to God. What happy news-- that Jesus saved us and made a way back to God for us.

Today I'm reflecting on how "God works all things together for our good and His glory." I've witnessed how God can take what satan meant to harm us with and use it for good. Even though my dad is gone now.... I look back over the last year and see nothing but the goodness and the hand of God. Satan meant for my Dad's smoking, lung cancer, and death to harm and kill... but God used it to save my Dad, to give him life, and to rescue my family-- He used it for good! Satan meant for the crucifixion of Jesus to kill him. But God used it for the forgiveness of sins to rescue His children and save the world in the greatest display of power, the resurrection, which defeated sin and death once and for all! Satan didn't expect the death of death on Friday, but God knew Sunday was coming!

I think about the actual Friday that we are remembering today. The darkness and sadness of that day... Jesus being beaten and crowned with thorns, his blood dripping... I can only imagine the disappoinment and despair of the disciples as they watched Jesus, who they hoped was their messiah and savior, being mocked and hung on a cross. Hope was lost, death had won, and sin had conquered. But Sunday was coming. And because of God, that cross that seemed like the worst thing in the entire world on Friday, became the best thing ever on Sunday when God's plan for salvation was fulfilled and fully revealed after Jesus rose from the grave, ALIVE! It is finished! Debt paid in full!


When my Dad's lung collapsed.... it felt like friday. It felt like hope was gone and death had won. It seemed like the worst thing in the whole world. But because of God, Sunday was coming for my dad. When things get dark and hope seems lost... don't forget that God is able to do immeasurbly more than all we can ask or imagine. He is ALWAYS working things together for our good and His glory, even when the enemy, the thief... comes to steal and kill and destroy... Sunday is coming! Jesus is alive! And God loves us so much he looks into the world he created and loving us he comes to rescue us. He did it through Jesus on the cross and he continues to do it now through His Holy Spirit.


When I quit my job, I had never felt a calling like that before in my life... I didn't even know what "full time ministry" meant or looked like for me, but I decided go to the land God would show me, one step and one day at a time, starting with today-- instead of boasting about what I would do tomorrow!

As I sit here reflecting on the call I felt almost exactly a year ago... I remember people reminding me that we are all called into ministry, monk or merchant... yet, I feel the call again. I cannot shake this intense sense of leading, purpose, and growing commitment to Christ. I'm in awe of the way God has transformed my heart in the last year and a half. All I want to do is ministry... I can't help but speaking about what I have seen or heard. I have been convinced that the church is the hope of the world... and I'm sold out to that calling. I am living to preach the Word, share the Gospel, and care for the flock.

I've been tormented by the story of Jonah. I am not trying to run away from God or the calling He has put on my life but I know that there is no way I can do it. I've been tormented by the story of Gideon as well, because I make the same excuses he did. I'm so weak. I'm the least, the lowliest. I can't. I'm not good enough, I'm not able.... I've been thrown overboard and swallowed by a whale and as I sit and pray I am reminded that God is trustworthy to provide for what He has called me to do. I don't know exactly what that is for me... but I know apart from Christ I can do nothing. Even though I'm not able to take the gospel where God has called me to.... if I go forward in the strength I have, knowing God is with me... He will enable me to do what He has called me to do because His power is made manifest in my weakness. God is looking for unqualified people who will rest and go forth in the authority of Jesus Christ, not their own gifts and abilities.

Satan comes to steal and kill and destroy, but God continues to affirm my calling and to prepare me to do His work. My dad called me his pastor. If God can use me to shepherd my father, then I think God might be able to use me to minister to others. Just recently I realized that I am already doing all of the things I dream about doing, just on a smaller scale. This gives me peace and affirmation.

I'm so encouraged by Ephesians 4.... "to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of christ may be built up." This is me right now... being prepared.

I don't want a career. I don't want to make a mark on the world. I don't want to be liked by everyone, because if I did I wouldn't be following Jesus-- He warned us that we would be hated for following Him. I want to spread His fame.... like the disciples did... I want to make Jesus famous. I can't help but speaking about what I have seen and heard. What better time than Easter, to share the good news of the gospel of free grace. Easter is the time to make Jesus famous!

I'm encouraged by the people God has sent into my life during this season... I'm thankful I have people that love me enough and know me enough to be involved in my life... and that they are willing to hurt my feelings, to say I'm being arrogant, or disobedient, sharpening me, discipling me, preparing me to do what I'm called to do--whether it is writing, missions, counseling, pastoring, evangelism, discipleship... by taking the focus off of myself, and putting it on Jesus. I am learning how to crucify my flesh, die daily, and decrease so that He might increase. So I will be enabled to overcome the serpent that has held this world captive for far too long...  and share the good news and spread the fame of Jesus with the authority of Jesus.

I've never been encouraged or called out like Timothy was with the laying on of hands.... and I don't like telling people about my dreams or what I feel called to do.... because it overwhelms me with inadequacy and fear of failure, but last night as I was "having supper with Jesus"... he spoke to me and reminded me that he has set me apart and appointed me to spread Truth to the people all around me, and into the ends of the earth.

"But instead they went out and spread his fame all over the region." (Matthew 9:31)

It's not about me. The point is the fame of Jesus Christ.  He is the only one that can save us from the death that comes on Friday so we may be raised up on Sunday. May the news of Jesus and His saving and finished work on the cross spread all over the world!!

I am still waiting for the Sunday when God will reveal to me what he has actually called me to do... but until then I will live to make Jesus famous, knowing and trusting that Sunday is coming!!!

It is just Friday... but Sunday is coming!!!

The memorial at St. Joseph hospital for my dad. 

{What God used to speak to me about discerning my call: Southern Baptist Theological Seminary}

Grief Share

 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." 

--Matthew 5:4

It's been one month since my dad passed away... One month. And I am still so scared of my grief. I'm tired and empty but I continue to go, go, go because if I stop... I have to deal with losing my father. When I stop I get flooded with emotions. Sometimes the pain that comes with feeling my feelings is too much to bear, so to cope, I avoid going there at all.

Denial (stage 1 of grief) is helping me to survive by pacing my feelings, only letting in as much as I can handle. Denial has helped me through the overwhelming reality of my father's death. To get past this... you have to start accepting the reality. As you get stronger the denial begins to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

"'Blessed are those who mourn,' is more necessary than 'rejoice in the Lord always' because there can be no true rejoicing until we have stopped running away from mourning."

Sin is running from God. I didn't realize until lately that I have been running as fast as I can. I'm running away from mourning. Not even just mourning my father's death... but mourning a lot of things from my past. Satan has been very pleased with my "busyness," but God being rich in mercy has come, yet again, to rescue me. I've come to this place of being "swallowed up by a big fish."

I recently realized from the Holy Spirit through a wise friend and two sermons last Sunday that my lack of rest and withholding from God is disobedience. Call me Jonah. I've been unable and unwilling to lean into my pain. I've been self-protecting from God and others. My heart has become rebellious and hardened because of my lack of trust in God. But right now... I'm stuck in the belly of a whale.

It's interesting because when God told Jonah to go preach in Ninevah he rejected that calling and ran the other way to Tarshish. Jonah ended up being thrown overboard because he caused the oceans to rage. Our consequences are a direct result of our sin. Jonah refused to go to Ninevah, but God refused to let him run away. What's your Ninevah? What's your Tarshish? God gave Jonah a second chance to obey. But first, Jonah had to be swallowed and rescued by a big fish. While in the belly, Jonah prayed. "From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God." (Jonah 2:1)

Prayer is the way we run toward God. God works all things together for our good and His glory. He is constantly making all things new, but the first step is our repentance (changing mind, going the other way).

"The Word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time. 'Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you.' Jonah obeyed the Word of the Lord and went to Nineveh..." (Jonah 3:1-3)

I'm desperate for God to revive me. I'm broken. Weak. I am nothing and have nothing. My unworthiness is overwhelming. If God wants me to go to Ninevah... he is going to have to spit me out there. But first, I will spend 3 days praying in the belly of a fish.

"Jesus praises those who can enter into solidarity with the pain of the world and not try to extract themselves from it."

One of my Ninevahs is mourning my father's death. I've only been going there subconsciously in my dreams. But I have decided to stop running and enter the place I've been avoiding the last month. So while I'm in this fish I will give grief it's time and turn. A friend encouraged me to walk THROUGH hard times head on without avoiding the pain, because Jesus is with me. Jesus told us that in this world we would have trouble, but to take heart because he has overcome it all. He is a great Shepherd and a great comforter... He walks with us through the valleys.

The second stage of grief is anger, which is necessary for the healing process.

We have to be willing to feel our anger because the more we feel our emotions the more they begin to dissipate and the more we can heal. Underneath that anger is pain.

I opened up a grief book and the first thing that I read was "It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned." This took my breath away. I can't even articulate my thoughts or feelings that get stirred up by the word "abandonment." It's too much to bear. For now... I will stick with the anger.

Bargaining is the third stage. I'm constantly saying "if only...." and "what if...." statements. I wish I could go back in time. I feel guilty. My natural tendency is to find fault in myself and satan is quick to remind me that I am naked. I know that there is no condemnation and it's not my fault but I have to do something to bargain with my loss. I will do anything not to feel the pain that is just so painful.

Depression: The present. Empty feelings and grief has entered my life on a deeper level, deeper than I ever imagined. I want to withdraw from life, because I'm in such a fog of intense sadness. I can be moved to tears almost instantly, and this leads me into isolation and hiding so people won't see my vulnerability. But according to the experts, grief is a process of healing, making depression one of the many necessary steps along the way.

One thing I have recognized with my grief is that the stages are responses to thoughts and feelings that come and go and can last for minutes or hours, possibly days... Acceptance is about accepting the reality and living in a new way. I think the key is to feel the feelings when they come, but more importantly I think for me it's important to stop running away from them.

My Ninevah is Mourning. My Ninevah is Resting.

I know that I'm wounded. But lately I'm feeling called... Called to heal. Called to help, to heal others. To be a wounded healer. Only God can bring purpose and meaning to our pain and suffering. Only Jesus can turn our adversity into ministry. Genesis 50:20. To save the lives of many. Isaiah has been my "testimony verse" for a long time. But just recently it has really come to light...

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."Isaiah 61:1-3

Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted. The pain seems too painful to feel so we stuff and ignore it, but Jesus is able to heal it. God sent Jesus to heal the brokenhearted. The opposite of love is self-protection. Since it's painful to feel the feelings I run and hide... I pretend it doesn't exist. Satan uses fear, guilt and shame to keep me wounded and in a prison, paralyzed. But it was for freedom that Christ set us free. So I have decided to give Jesus access to my wound. I'm opening my heart to God, and I'm asking him to visit it and heal it.

"We will never experience the angel of comfort until we enter into the mourning.... the admission of what is deepest within us can be done only with an angel of comfort."

We have to mourn in order to be comforted. Jesus came to comfort all who mourn, to give them beauty for ashes, joy for mourning. Yes there is somebody that can comfort you and heal you. Yes there is somebody that can stretch His hand and help you. Yes the wound is not necessary to remain there forever nor you are doomed to stay forever locked in a prison. Stretch your hand to the Lord. Go to His throne with boldness to find help in a time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16). We all need help. We all suffer from wounds and all we need the Lord to deliver us from them. He can sympathize with our weaknesses and we can find the help, the encouragement and the healing that we need.

"For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

"It is not enough for us within the arena of the world's pain merely to know of a God who sympathizes. It is not even enough to know of a God who heals. We need to know of and be connected with a God who experiences with us, for us, each grief, each wound. We need to be bonded with a God who has had nails in the hands and a spear in the heart."

We all have wounds and we must deal with them someway. We might stuff them. Ignore them. Run from them. Try to hide them. We may focus on other people's problems instead of our own. We may have an addiction that we use to cope with our stress and to comfort ourselves. But the truth is the world and everything in it is broken...we are needy, in need of rescue! Our attempts at self-salvation are pale in comparison to the comfort that comes from the love of Christ.

I was recently called arrogant because I continue to minister without withdrawing. If Jesus needed to wake up early and pray, and go home early to be alone with God, and would leave crowds of people that needed healing to retreat and refuel with God... and he was the savior of the world.... then I think I need to do that too. God didn't need to rest yet after creating the world he did. He rested and He is our example.

So I am going to Ninevah.... to mourn... and to rest... "....and I will give you rest."

I wrote this in remembrance of Ryan McDannold and my father, Richard Karr, to comfort my precious high school friends and dear family who are mourning with me today. February 13th, 2012

The 5 Stages of Grief

Let it shine.

I’ve been longing to go back to Kenya. I can't get those beautiful children singing my favorite song out of my head…. “I want to shine. I want to shine. I want to shine shine shine. I want to shine. When people see me, they see you Jesus. I want to shine my Lord I want to shine.” 

I’ve been wanting to shine my entire life. I’ve been trying to, too. I’ve failed, I’ve fallen, and come up short. As humans we all have the same condition—we are desperate for glory yet we are empty of glory. Our attempts at gaining glory actually lead to sin (idolatry) which empties us of our glory. Timothy Keller calls this a 'glory vacuum'. It’s a vicious cycle, because being emptied of our glory actually makes us want more glory. 

C.S. Lewis said, "Humilty isn't thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less." When I focus on myself and what I can do... I usually end up concentrating on my inadequacy, my depravity, my lack of good, light, and glory. It's then that I shrink back and cower in fear. The problem is I am focusing on myself and not Jesus. Similarly to Peter when he began sinking when he was walking on the water with Jesus. So, let us fix our eyes on Jesus. Let us turn our eyes upon Jesus. As I search for the truth and freedom about who I am and what I can do in Scripture... I am liberated, set free, and set on a stand so my light can shine! When I replace the lies with the truth, my faith becomes bigger than my fear. 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?Acutally, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (Marianne Williamson)

Recently, I was liberated from my fear. Lack of confidence is something I have struggled with my entire life. Finding my voice with the confidence of who I am in Christ has been a work that God’s been doing in me for years! Not that I have completely overcome this yet…. But I have taken a baby step toward the goal! He who began a good work in me is carrying it out unto completion.

Actually, if I am being honest I was basically forced into this step by a shepherd's rod. But we can trust our leaders, just like our Good Shepherd, we can trust to be led to greener pastures and quiet waters no matter how painful the valleys are (Baker Blog: trust to follow).

This baby step has actually been more like a giant leap and I didn’t even realize it at the time! It's becoming more clear to me now how faithful my Good Shepherd is and how he has used this small and simple step of obedience to reveal such deeper truths in my life to grow me. 

Let me share the story of my liberation, my small yet profound victory:

I coached an Upward basketball team this year because a dear friend of mine was playing. I played college basketball and have always wanted to coach…. But this was very new territory for me. Thankfully I had a very experienced assistant coach on my team the whole time! At the end of the season I was asked to share my testimony with the team and their parents. I was not confident in myself to do this and I was very afraid—so much that I wanted to say no! I would get so much anxiety every time I thought about talking in front of people. I was focusing on myself, my abilities, my strengths, my power.... And I was not confident in myself at all! I was comparing myself to the other, much better coaches, and overwhelmed with inadequacy. I ended up doing it with not the best motives, but obedience is obedience, right? Ask Jonah. Lol.

Speaking in public or sharing my testimony wasn't the triumph.... The overcoming had to do with me shining my light. I have figured out how to shine…. The key is to not shine my light, but to shine the light of Christ. 

It’s not about me! It’s not about my glory. It’s not about me pleasing men or getting their approval. It’s about my gospel being centered on the truth, allowing me to do what I was created to do—shine the light of Christ! We were made in the image of God to reflect Him-- all for His glory! And it's not just in some of us, it's in all of us! In Colossians 2 it says to live in Him, abide, being rooted and built up and strengthened in Him, because in Christ lives all the fullness of God, and in Christ we are then brought into the fullness of God (Emphasis mine). If we could even grasp a small understanding of what that means... we would definitely be shining! We have all of this power living inside of us. If I'm full of Christ and He is full of God, why in the world am I shrinking back or cowering in fear? Freedom in Christ is knowing who you are in Christ-- loved, accepted, and secure! And that comes the moment we stop comparing ourselves to others and realize in Christ, God fully approves!

You can call me a foolish Galatian…because so often I am functioning as a slave child and not like an accepted and fully loved child of God—which is my true identity. The Apostle Paul said “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.” (Ephesians 5:8). We can be confident in our light because we have been clothed and covered with Christ-- thank you God for providing clothes that cover our shame since the Fall! (Keller)

In "Galatians For You," Timothy Keller talks about the Apostle Paul and how he wasn’t living for the approval of men, but to please only God. He didn’t share his testimony or the gospel for his own glory. No, he did it to share the power of the gospel, to point people to Jesus, and to show them that God rescued him, and he can rescue them too! And Paul was always ready to share the good news-- he couldn't help but speak about what he had seen and heard! (Acts 4:20)

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told his disciples “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” (Matthew 5:14-16)

So Jesus tells us to shine our light! He warns us not to hide it! But we have an enemy that wants to blow our light out! 

One scheme satan uses to silence me and steal my voice is to deceive me about my gifts. I played college basketball and have always dreamed to coach… but even with the 4^th/5^thgraders I thought I was a bad coach. I didn’t believe I was gifted at it. No confidence. So my inadequacy caused me to shrink back and to basically try and hide under a basket.

Coaching isn’t the only gift satan tries to steal. Usually I believe that I don't have any gifts at all! I want to do what I am called to do-- but it is hard when I have no clue what my gifts are! 

God sent me a messenger to speak truth to me about this a couple weeks ago! Her name is Erin Straza. Another “gift” that I have that I wouldn’t consider a gift is the passion to write. This is another place where satan has silenced me and stolen my voice. God’s timing is perfect, because just as our church entered into “Dangerous Witness” month where we are supposed to “not be able to help speaking about what we have seen or heard” God spoke to me about my writing, and he used my new writer friend to do it!

I shared with Erin my struggle with writing and how I have been wresting with my gifts and whether to publish these silly blogs or not. I read one thing from Erin’s website and God immediately spoke to me in mighty ways through Erin's story and her writing (Filling my Patch of Sky). She had some similar questions and wrestled a lot with her writing like I am doing. I read about why Erin writes, and then I knew I had to acknowledge my gift and start using it for the glory of God! 

We have all been given gifts. In looking at the parable of the talents, it all makes sense now! Some people are given 1 talent, 10 talents, 50 talents…. It doesn’t matter how much talent you have—the key is to use it for the glory of God.

Just because I am not as good of a writer as Erin or Timothy Keller, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t write. Just because I’m not as good of a basketball coach as Coach K or my assistant coach at Upward, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t coach. Just because I don’t have 50 talents, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t use my 1 talent.

I'm a 1 talent writer. I'm a 1 talent basketball coach. I'm a 1 talent testimony-sharer. Just because my gifts aren't as great as others, doesn't mean I shouldn't use them. "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." (1 Peter 4:10) But whatever I do, I'm going to do it with all my heart as working for the Lord not for men! (Col 3:23)

Satan likes to twist the truth just a little bit to make us focus on ourselves, or deceive us, to silence us—so we won’t speak about the good news of the grace of God through Jesus Christ. He is always coming to steal and kill and destroy. He wants to lead us astray—like sheep.

A friend constantly reminds me of the children's song—this little light of mine. This little light of mine…. I’m gonna let it shine. Hide it under a bushel? NO! I’m gonna let it shine! Don’t let satan “whooo” it out… I’m gonna let it shine. Let is thine… let it shine… let it shine….


The key is Jesus. The light in me is Jesus. The only way I can shine is if I shine the light of Christ. Without Him I am nothing, but through Him I have all things. God doesn't judge me based on what I do, He calls me to be faithful with what I have been given. In order to hear "well done, good and faithful servant" all we have to do is steward and invest ourselves into who God has called us to be and what God has called us to do. Offer your talents to Him, no matter how much you have.

Satan wants to squash your light, love, talent, voice, testimony… He often gets me to be quiet and shrink back, sometimes even hide. But I was created to shine! We are to let our light shine so that they may see our good deeds and praise our father in heaven! Glory to God! Soon before that verse is one of my favorite verses in the bible... because it gives me confidence in myself. The people that were changing the world with the gospel were unschooled, ordinary men. It is the Spirit that does the work, so it is okay if we are inadequate! It gives God more glory! God chooses the weak things to shame the strong. He uses foolish, lowly things to shame the wise. Jesus called fisherman! This gives me confidence because it means that God can use even me... the lowliest.

For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "let light shine our of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to gives us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. (2 Corinthians 4:5-7)

Verse 13 goes on to say, "We believe, and therefore speak, all for the benefit of the grace reaching more people, for the glory of God!" (Emphasis mine) #dangerouswitness

Erin’s writing has had a huge impact on my life. It's the reason I'm able to actually put this blog out there instead of just in my draft folder. She is shining light! Erin's website is amazing-- you should read hers instead of mine! (Filling My Patch of Sky)

Even if we only have one talent, we need to use it. The second thing that God spoke to me through the parable of the talents is how important it is to be obedient in small things and faithful with what we have been given, no matter how little it is.

My prayer is that I would rely on the Spirit and not on myself. That I would decrease so that He might increase. I pray that I am faithful with what I have been given and don't bury it. I pray that I don't hide or shrink back, but that I let my light shine, so that they may praise my father in heaven! I pray that for the sake of the world the Spirit would burn like a fire in me. That we wouldn't even be able to help but speaking about what we have seen and heard, so that they may praise our father in heaven and give Him all the glory. This is my prayer for you, too! 

Carrying burdens.

 "When I heard this, I sat down and wept. In fact, for days I mourned, fasted, and prayed to the God of heaven." (Nehemiah 1:4)

I have been reminded recently that this world is not my home. God never intended for us to live forever in this mess.... that is why He promised to make all things new... and for all sad things to come untrue. Until we get there we will be longing for Eden... for the perfection and harmony found there. Especially when it comes to relationships with other people.

I was inspired to write this blog about Nehemiah when God was personally speaking to me through it, and then it became the lesson we were studying in House. I wanted to share that lesson...

Last week at the leader training we were given about 40 minutes to be with Jesus. I sat and wept the whole time. When we came back together I shared with everyone my burdens for the lost people in my life that needed to be saved. I admitted to everyone that I couldn't save them. I realized my powerlessness. But I knew what I could do... pray... and believe God to do the impossible. I begged God to save them, because He is the only one who can.

Every day we come into contact with people who are hurting, struggling, searching for hope, and in need of rescue.

Nehemiah had compassion on the people who were in exile. He wept. Mourned, fasted, and prayed. He confessed and repented. And he asked God to help, because he wasn't able to save them in his own strenght. So that's what I am doing.

As Christ followers, we have the opportunity to compassionately minister to the needs of the people around us. The Bible says to carry each other's burdens. If we follow the example of Nehemiah, it starts with our repentance.

One thing Nehemiah saw was the effects of disobedience in the Jewish peoples' lives. They were scattered because they walked away from God. Their problems, and in fact, all of our problems, are rooted in disobedience. Our consequences are a direct result of our sin.

I can definitely see the effects of disobedience in my life. The consequences of sin is death. I've experienced that with my father passing away from lung cancer two months ago. I encountered it during my parents' divorce and everyday after. Like Eve in the garden, satan came to steal and kill and destroy their marriage relationship-- like a virus, generational sin has continued to infect... and steal and kill and destroy.

Nehemiah repented on behalf of himself, his family, and others. What impact does repentance have?

Nehemiah recognized and confessed the problems were caused by disobedience. God's way is the best way! The Bible shows us how life works best! Repentance is turning from your way back to God's way. Repentance opens the door for God to do a new, fresh work in people's situation and lives. And what satan meant to harm... God uses for good! For the saving of many lives!

The second thing we see from Nehemiah is a reminder of God's promises. Nehemiah remembers the promise God made to Moses about restoring God's chosen people if they turned back to the Lord. God didn't forget his promise. Repentance was the first step. God's promise was rooted in a relationship with him. Remembering God's faithfulness in the past helps us to trust him in future.

Lastly, Nehemiah recognized his powerlessness. His need for rescue. He sought God's help in receiving the king's favor. He recognized his need for divine assistance. We all face tough times in life, and while we might be tempted to rely on our own strength, we will experience greater blessing, protection, and safety when we turn to God for help. I know I'm unable to save myself, let alone other people. I'm so thankful for the ways God has pursued and rescued me in the past, and the way he is currently rescuing me today. 

Who are people in your life that "things are not going well" for them? What news have you gotten lately that has caused an emotional response? Made you weep? At your school? Workplace? In your family?

Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said, to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few." (Matthew 9:35-37)

Jesus had compassion because he encountered people who were confused and helpless, like sheep wihtout a shepherd.

Jesus is our Good Shepherd. He is the only one who can save them. But we are his workers. So what is my role? To pray. And rest in Jesus and lean on His everlasting arms. His yoke is easy and burden is light. So I cast all my burdens onto him.

Hope is believing something good will come out of something bad. So I hold onto my hope, which is only in Jesus.

It happened so fast.

Just two months ago, on November 29th... I got a call from my sister Erin saying that Dad was really sick. I had noticed on October 20th at Erin's birthday party that Dad had lost a lot of weight. He was also having some difficulty breathing. I rushed to my dad's house after I got off the phone with Erin to check on Dad. I had this feeling that something was seriously wrong. I was anxious that something was going to happen to him that night and I had to see him immediately.

I shared the gospel. We talked about Jesus. We cried. Hugged. Prayed. 

He has been gone for 16 days, and I feel like I am just now catching my breath from the season where my family and I walked through the valley of the shadow of death. When I look at the timeline, I can't help but realize just how fast everything happened.

December 7th, Dad has cancer.

December 17th, it's stage 4.

December 23rd, Family Pictures.

December 31st, chemo vs. hospice decision

January 4th, admitted to hospice.

January 10th, turn for the worse.

January 13th, 12:02, Dad took his last breaths here on earth.

It happened so fast. Too fast.

I spent every single day with my dad during his last month. Every free moment in his presence. I knew he didn't have much longer to live, so I wanted to make the most of the time left.

I heard amazing stories. I got some precious videos. I fell more in love with my dad than I had ever been before. God had done and was doing miraculous work in my Dad and in our entire family. It's so amazing how God can take the worst situations, the most horrible circumstances, the things that satan intended to use to harm us... and work them together for good, and His glory.

God beautifull restored my family through my dad's disease. Not only did God restore my family to each other, but He restored my father back to Himself through Jesus Christ. There is nothing like that blessed assurance.

To be completely honest, I feel somewhat traumitized by the experience of watching my father go through the dying process. What makes my suffering worth it is the comfort in knowing that there is a healer. And my dad has been healed. And because of Jesus, the shadow of death never had any power over my Dad-- he was led right through that valley into new life with new lungs. Death has been defeated and the grave has lost it's sting. This has been my constant joy during the last 2 weeks of mourning.

I wanted to share with you, what would turn out to be my last few moments with him and his final breaths with all of us.

For those of you who read my last blog, you know that I was praying Dad wouldn't pass away on my sister Rachelle's birthday. Unfortunately, he was fading fast and starting to suffer, so we had to put him on morphine. Dad said that he wanted to wait as long as possible for the morphine, that it was for his death bed.

I broke down when we started the morphine. I knew what it meant. Dad was using every muscle in his entire body to breathe. Gasping for air. As I sat next to him watching him fighting, it was like a needle going through my heart during each and every breath. It was close to midnight, and a few people were leaving the room for a quick phone call or bathroom break. I gladly took the opportunity to have some alone time with Dad.

I held his hand and told him how much I loved him. I thanked him for everything he had done for me. I spent some time just sobbing, expressing to him how much I would miss him. Dad had notecards with Bible verses on them that he would read every single day the last couple months. I talked to him about the hope and truth and peace that we had been reading all along. It was honestly too painful for me to watch him suffer, so I told him that this was just a valley of shadows, and he could walk through now. I assured him that God was with him and would be with us too. I told him that he could let go. It's ok to stop fighting. I told him that he could go be with Jesus in paradise now. As tears flowed off my face onto his chest where his entire body was using ever fibre and bit of strength just to catch one small breath, I had peace. I told Dad that it was ok, that we would be ok.

I didn't want Dad to be alone, so I quickly ran into the hall to tell the others they could come back into the room now. I thought they heard me so I went and grabbed Dad's hand. I was really anxious that my family wasn't coming, and then, his breathing began to change. I panicked and ran into the hallway screaming for everyone to hurry and come. They all entered the room and surrounded Dad's hospital bed. Everyone was there as Dad took his final breaths.

The miracle is that it was 12:02. Dad promised Erin that we would all be there when he passed, and we were. These two things have increased my faith in a huge way. God is good. God is so good. As painful as it was giving Dad permission to go, and as selfish as I feel for being alone with him.... it has, and will forever, bless my soul.




I gave a eulogy at Dad's funeral. I wanted to share it with you:

I would do anything to have one more day with my dad.

He was such a good man, and the best Dad.

He was the most giving person I know. He would do anything for absolutely anyone, no matter what. He loved helping people and fixing things. I know anytime I ever needed anything, it was Dad to the rescue and he would always fix it. I don't know what we will do the next time our car breaks down-- I wish we had just one more day with Dad.

He taught us how to be loving and kind, to all people, even if they did something wrong.

Dad taught us a good work ethic. He taught us that there is always a way. He taught us how to be generous.

He taught some of us how to build houses. He taught others just how to fix the sink, make concrete, or use a hammer. I would do anything for just one more lesson, for one more day.

My siblings and I were joking about how Dad was spending his time in heaven. How on Sunday, he was resting and celebrating his dads birthday, going fishing together. We know he would be back to work soon, as even during his last breaths he was measuring and hammering and working. We think Dad and Jesus would have the best construction company in heaven... I'm sure they are working on a mansion right now.

He taught us how to be good parents.

Everyone has been telling me how much Dad talked about us kids. He was so proud of us. He said, "you know how you wants your kids to do better than you? Well mine did." And we will continue to make dad proud.

We will continue to cherish our precious memories while missing dad telling the stories.

He was the best story teller. Whether it was about Andrew falling asleep on the roof, Rachelle hitting her head on the top of the stairs, Richie's cars, trying to fix Erin's garage door, going to the horse track at Karen's, or my chicken Elvis, Dad told it best, and would always make us laugh.

I know we would give anything to work on one more puzzle, to go fishing one more time, to spend one more day at the horse track, or have one more long car ride talking to Dad.

The good news is that I will have one more day with my dad. Not only one, but forever. The good news is that when I'm with him again there will be no disease, no suffering, no hurt or pain, no tears.

What the enemy intended to harm us with, God intended for good. Through this pain of losing my amazing Father, I can still say bless The Lord and God is good. His hand has been in this and all over my Dad.

Dad had so much peace this last month. Dad was at peace. So we are at peace.

His peace came from the Holy Spirit that was living in him, healing him. Maybe not physically, maybe not in his lungs, but I can tell you that dad has new lungs now, and he is breathing well. I pray that God would draw you near to Himself like he did with my dad. That you would meet my Dad's Jesus that came and rescued him and raised him from death into new life. So you too, could have this comfort and this peace that Dad had. That I have. That you could be at rest, because there is a healer. We praise God, because Dad is worshipping with the whales.

I can't explain or articulate what I'm going through. Words are pale. The only comfort I have in the midst of my overhwhelming feelings and numerous breakdowns is Jesus. His promises. His truth. His grace. His love. His presence.

I have been wishing time would stop so I could catch my breath... Yet, I have been hoping that time would speed up because apparently it all gets better with time. I've felt numb and empty, like I am just going through the motions because I'm not really here. I've stayed extremely busy, and usually grieve at night before bed and when I wake up from a dream about Dad. There are certain triggers that bring tears to my eyes immediately despite my best efforts of keeping it together. When I feel Dad's chapstick I have been carrying in my pocket, when someone says Dad, during commercials about cancer, or cigarettes. When I see a picture of Dad, and realize he is really gone.

I can't explain it.... but I have peace.

It is probably because I am being carried through this difficult time by God's love. I have literally been overwhelmed by people being Jesus to me. I am so grateful for the constant words of encouragement, helping hands, prayers being prayed, and so many cards and gifts with messages of love and comfort. Thank you SO MUCH to my friends and family that have covered me in love and prayers. I do not know how I would have been able to go through this without you. I have been blessed. I am blessed. My heart beats thank yous.

Be at rest, once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

The death of death.

The last 2 days have been the hardest days of my life. I'm sure the next few will be equally hard.

I'm very aware of the small and big ways God is carrying us through this season of the valley of the shadow of death. Each blessing I notice, and I say, "Bless the Lord, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to me."

I told Dad a few days ago my managers were letting me work from home a couple days a week and he informed me that he would not be helping me with any of my work. Thursday the 10th was the day I was approved to work offsite... so I quickly ran to dad's after my last meeting at 11. A couple of Dad's sisters were there while Lois was out at a funeral... and these are the hours I will never forget.

I asked dad the usual... How did you sleep? How are you today? How is your cough? Are you in any pain? Can I get you anything? I love you.... I then proceeded to tell Dad that all of his kids were waiting for an update from me and wished they could be by him. I told him we should send a video. Dad was hesitant at first, and just wanted to send a picture... but I easily persuaded him to send them a video.

I've watched the video probably a hundred times now... Dad says, "Hello everyone. I'm doing better today, getting some rest, and hopefully I'll be better tomorrow. Love you."The video is extra special because it was the moment right before Dad would take a turn for the worse.

Rachelle sent Dad a video back, he watched it twice. I told Dad Karen would be here tomorrow at 10, and he was happy about that. I got dad 12 grapes. Erin came around 3...

Hospice is really wonderful. In some of the literature they gave us, it explained the dying experience. On Thursday around 2 there was a shift that began as Dad went into the actual dying process.

Dad has been eating less and less every day for weeks... but those 12 grapes were his last meal. Dad has been really confused and restless since Thursday afternoon. He has had several periods of hyperactivity, and he has smacked me a couple of times (agitation is normal). My family really likes it that he has been picking on me. I was trying to help Dad get a drink and he wanted to do it independently, he then looked around the room and told everyone that I just wanted all the attention. He has been having a lot of unusual communication. Dad is pulling at the sheets a lot, grabbing at the air, and trying to escape from bed often. Dad isn't getting enough oxygen in his brain which is why a lot of that is happening. Dad has rattling in the back of his throat-- this is distressing to us, but not uncomfortable for Dad.

He slept well last night but has been up all day. When he stops responding his hearing will be the last thing to go. Dad still knows who we are. My mom asked him if he knew who she was today and he said, "Yeah you're Debbie." And then my mom asked him who I saw and he said, 'That's the baby."

Dad began running a fever today and he started coughing a lot. The nurse came and said his lungs were filling up with fluid. Dad is starting to experience lots of pain and discomfort. We started the morphine. (Dad told me days ago he wanted to wait as long as possible to get the morphine.... "that's for when I'm on my death bed.") He is still very uncomfortable and fighting a lot. He has been reaching and looking up a lot. We keep calling hospice asking them to increase dosages.


As I sit here in my Dad's chair... I feel so out of control. My dad has been very incoherent since Thursday around 3 and it's been exhausting and emotional. My brother said, "Why does it have to hurt so bad," as he paced around the room crying. He grabbed his chest, "My heart is broken. He's such a good man he doesn't deserve to be like this."

I can hear Erin in the other room telling my Dad that he will be able to breathe soon and that it is okay.


I have been reading about giving your loved one permission and saying goodbye. "Saying goodbye to your loved one is a final gift. Giving permission to go by saying goodbye helps your loved one not feel guilty for leaving you. It can help to achieve closure and make the final release from life possible. It may be helpful to take your loved one's hand and hold it and then say what you need to say. This may be as simple as saying 'I love you' or 'Thank you for....'. Tears are a normal part of saying goodbye. Tears should not be hidden. They are a sign of your love."

Today is my sister Rachelle's birthday. But we give Dad permission to go at 12:01, which is his Dad's birthday, who he really loves that died about 12 years ago. None of us want him to suffer... and right now he is suffering, as are we.

I won't be able to rest in bed tonight, but I will find my rest in Jesus.

I have been praying one prayer my entire life. And last year in January I read a book called Sun Stand Still that encouraged me to have audacious faith and believe God to do the impossible. At that time I began praying even more for this one prayer.... that I beleived was impossible. That my dad would quit drinking.

In April when Dad's lung collapsed.... that was the biggest miracle of my life.

My Dad has been sober since April 3rd. And I have formed such an even more beautiful, close relationship with him since. It is heartbreaking because I wish I could have had it longer. My Dad has always been the best Dad in the world, and we have always had a great relationship. I never would have traded him for anyone!

I would do anything to go fishing with him again. To put another puzzle together.... to bet on a long shot with him at the horse track.

 But it's okay.

Because God is good. And He never intended for us to die or have this pain. It sucks. But God loves us so much he devises ways to draw us to Him and rescue us. Sitting next to your father as he begs for air is the worst pain I have ever had. But, death has lost it's sting. His name is Jesus. For my Dad.... Even as I mourn I will be celebrating the death of death.

Because I know that God will breathe on my Dad and raise Him to life, awake his soul, and resurrect his bones. Heaven is real and this is our hope. I wouldn't be able to cope without it. I'm thankful for the grace to get grace. I pray God would bless my family with His sufficient grace.

This is good news. This isn't just good news.... this is happy news. It brings joy in the midst of my mourning.

There is absolutely NOTHING better than seeing a loved one come to faith in Jesus Christ. So I praise God for adversity. I praise God for His character. I'm thankful for the way He has restored my family. I'm thankful for the way He continues to rescue us one by one. I'm so thankful that God devises and orchestrates ways for people far from God to be raised to life in Christ. I'm thankful for the precious time I have had with my dad. Sharing the Gospel with him. Talking about Jesus and praying together.

Last night Dad fell asleep and we surrounded his bed. Karen (my sister) suggested reading Dad's Bible verses-- so we read them to him. We also played "it is well." We prayed peace and comfort... peace and comfort... . And today my brother Andrew read Dad's favorite notecard from psalm 23 which says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

My Dad has brought me so much joy this year. A few days ago he told my sister Erin that I was his pastor. And he has been quoting scripture. My cup runneth over.

I'm overwhelmed with emotions about how I wish I could have my dad longer.... but I'm okay. God prepared me over this last year and a half to go through this season of my father dying. My faith has been increased. God is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine!

God's hands are in this. He is with us. And God has prepared me for this.... His Spirit has given me wisdom and revelation to understand the gospel and to experience my adoption. God is good. I am also surrounded by the most amazing family. And I am so thankful for my precious precious friends that have sent thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement to me and my family. Special thanks for my mom, Aunt Brenda, and friend Jenny for bringing us food today! Don't know how I would get through this without being carried by prayers from others.

I tend to minimize and intellectualize-- which I'm doing to cope. But I'm feeling my feelings. After Dad switched into this state I made eye contact with Erin several times and the tears just began flowing down my face because I knew Dad was gone. I texted my siblings and told them to come quickly... I went into the other room and say on the couch and began to cry. My aunt came by me and hugged me and I just balled in her arms. When my brother Drew got here we were moving Dad into the hospital bed that (thank God) came a day early-- exactly when we needed it! Dad fell into Drew's arms as he carried him into the bed. Drew went into the other room and sat in the same place I did earlier and began crying. I hugged him and we sobbed in each others arms.

When the nurse was telling my entire family that Dad only had a day or so left tonight... I stayed by him. I was just sobbing. My brother Drew came in and we were on both sides of Dad talking to him, telling him how much we love him. Dad raised his arm and put it around me and pulled me in. I just laid and cried on his chest. He told me he loved me.

I'll spend the next few hours or day by my Dad as he leaves us and this world... loving my Dad and spending time with my amazing family. We covet your prayers as we go through this most painful experience.... death... the wages of sin is death. But the gift of God is eternal life. I praise God for the death of death. Thank you Jesus.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Revelation 21.

(Hope this made sense. Wrote it quickly while crying. But my brother Andrew just told me to keep it emotional and unedited....)