Longing for Eden.

Still trying to find my voice with the confidence of who I am in Christ. And experience freedom from the bondage of past experiences.

The Gospel has become more central to my identity through the Spirit powered process of discipleship.

The Gospel is power. My word for today is encounter. I have encountered God. Encountered the Gospel. Encountered His love. His beauty. The Spirit has given me revelation so I can know God better (Ephesians 1:17). Come to find out... It's not about me.  Now that my story is flowing from the centrality of God's story and my idols are being uprooted, I'm experiencing love and freedom in Christ because of the Spirit's work in me. I pray that we would all know the Gospel, not the "Gospel +/-" and learn how to preach the one true Gospel to ourselves. #itisfinished #hisnameisJesus #God'sStory



(Inspired by Spread Truth training and Mike Baker sermon at Eastview)

We all long for unconditional love, full acceptance, and purpose for our life. We are longing for the garden of Eden. Paradise. Perfect Harmony. The way God created and intended us to live.

Satan's schemes are the same now as they were in Eden.

Is God enough? Is Jesus enough? Do you trust God? What do you rely and depend on when things get hard? What do you use to cover your sin? Whatever you go to to give you love, meaning, acceptance, power, control, success.... That is your apple. Your idol. What is saving you today? Your job? Family? Spouse? Children? Money? Power? Control? Friends? What makes you acceptable?

I am eating the apple, too. I am trying to be God just like Eve.

Satan likes to whisper lies into our minds just like he did in the garden.... he likes to make us question God and get us to put our trust and faith and hope into something besides God. What apple is the enemy telling you will bring joy, peace, and hope? You don't need the apple God is enough.

We can't be naked anymore... we do not have the safety of Eden to be vulnerable because if people really knew us- they wouldn't love us. This is why we hide. It all started with some fig leaves.

I have lots of fig leaves. Defense mechanisms. DOCs. I do lots of things to cover up my shame, guilt, and fear... I do now want anyone to see me "naked" because if they did... they wouldn't love me. Because we are all sinners. We are not in Eden anymore.

God says, "Where are you?"

That is what He asked Adam and Eve and that is what He is asking me. And you. God is the only one who sees the depths of our heart and loves us the same. He has unconditional love and acceptance and he gives us purpose by letting us participate in His Story. It is all because of what Jesus did. He lived the life we should have lived and died the death we should have died. An unfair, but beautiful exchange. The blood of Jesus is enough. We are so wicked that nothing less than the death of the son of God could save us. We don't need to hide from God because of Jesus.

Out of Eve's sin would come consequences, death, dysfunction... but would also come life, the son of God, Jesus, our rescue, and eventual, a new heaven and a new earth. A new creation. Back to Eden.

What has been done to you or what have you done that has led to death? How is God using it for life? Satan meant it for evil but God will use it for good, for His glory.

The Holy Spirit through a wise friend and the spread truth training convicted me to see the bigger picture and not be so selfish. It's not about me. I pray the Gospel would become more central to my identity. I pray it would flow from the centrality of God's story.

I don't know how God could love a sinner like me. Let alone allow me to participate in His Story. I'm reminded that it is nothing about me that makes me worthy- it is all about Jesus. There is nothing I can do, nothing. Only Jesus saves. If I do what I can do, then God will do what only He can do. #letsdig

I'm obviously pretty passionate about thoughts hence my last blog post. What do you feel insecure about? That is where Satan has you in bondage. Place your security in God's hands, not satan's. The enemy wants us to shrink back and feel unworthy and not good enough and inadequate and like we don't have anything good to offer or share... But I am finding my voice. Because I am replacing those lies with the Truth about who I am in Christ. For example... I am an extrememly emotional, sensitive, lots of thoughts and feelings, passionate, caring, empathic person. Empathy is my strength accordin to strengths finder. Satan tries to take where we look the most like God, and convince us to believe lies so we lose our strength... and eat the apple. We were made in the image of God. My heart feels deeply just like God's does. If I can keep the Gospel centered and know that I can't save anyone, but use my passion and compassion for people to dig a ditch and point them to Jesus... How powerful is the wheel when it is not broken! How powerful is the gospel when we don't add to it. #gospelatthehub #gospelcentered #noothergospel

In conclusion... My hope is for the day when we are home... back in Eden where we belong. In perfect harmony with God and each other. I know what harmony is because I know what harmony is not. No more weeping, no more hurt or shame. No suffering. No more figleaves. No more jealousy, envy, striving, protecting, dysfunction, addiction, abuse, slavery, prostitution, prison, disease, etc. We are all longing for Eden, for God... and there is only one way... His name is Jesus. Go and make disciples. Dig ditches.

"Lord I'm available to you"

Lord I'm available to you.
My will I give to you.
I'll do what you say to.
Use me Lord.
To show someone the Way.
And enable me to say.
My storage is empty.
And I"m available to you.

• God has never called you to be able. He is able. Just be available.
• God does not call the qualified he qualifies the called.
• Here I am, all of me. My hands. My feet. My mouth. My mind. My heart. My will. My emotions.
• When You chose me, you knew I wasn't able or adequate. Only Jesus saves, and all the Glory goes to You.

***Jesus never went around leaking His father's love. Jesus stayed so full He was able to overflow God's love to everyone that he met that had a need that He could meet. You think you are loving people but what you are really doing is leaking. God doesn't want His love to leak out of your life cause you're broken and cracked. He wants His love to overflow from your life cause you're so full of His presence.

#inlinewiththegospel #instepwiththespirit

Take every thought captive.

There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them." Sally Llyod Jones: The Jesus Storybook Bible

I'm overwhelmed by a relentless God. He is after my heart. He wants to rescue me from the lies I am believing and the prison I am living in, even though the cell is unlocked and the shackels have been broken.

Long story short.... The Gospel is power.

Not that I am an expert in the Gospel... I have to preach it to myself every moment of every day... but I have become sensitive to what Paul refers to as "adding to the gospel" in Galations.

Recently... I was thrown into confusion. #spiritualwarfare

It happens often. #schemesofsatan

"I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel — which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ."                                                                                                                           Galations 1:6-7

I had a lot going on this last week... and I knew I was unable to get through it alone. I wanted to experience what is referred to as "the same power that conquered the grave"  living in me. Even though I was scared, I fixed my eyes on Jesus and stepped out of the boat.

However... Instead of focusing on Jesus... I focused on myself and began to doubt... and began to sink. #callmepeter

It was at that point that I started longing for something more. I began looking for what that something was...

One thing I know... God's word is true. And the Bible is alive and active! Mike's sermon was amazing yesterday at Eastview!

The story of Eve... Satan convinced Eve that Jesus wasn't enough. The same thing he tries to convince me of. The apple could represent our idols. Eve didn't trust God. She put her trust in a lie. #mistakenbeliefs

God has shattered my heart this week. For the Gospel, for Jesus, for His lost children, the lost sheep... And my Gospel was centered... and when the Gospel is the hub, the wheel works well. I was so excited to be participating in God's story. It's obvious the enemy felt threatened.

The devil definitely used people's words to get into my thoughts and bring confusion.

As I was searching and seeking... At first I was listening to sermons, then talking to people, reading books and articles on the internet.... I got even more confused. I started questioning everything. I even started to doubt things I have never doubted before. My mind was a mess.

But I am here to say that God is not dead. He's surely alive! He answered my prayer before I even prayed it!

As my thoughts continued to swirl down... I remembered to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Corinth 10:5). I'm thankful for God's word being written on my heart so when He speaks to me I will know His voice.

Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This "letter" is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts (2 Corinth 3:3).

I am the good Shepard. I know my sheep and my sheep know me. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me (John 10).

I ended up looking up at a verse I have in my cube. Other verses began to flood my mind. I opened my Bible and the Word of God spoke to my heart. I found the Truth. His name is Jesus. And at the exact moment I thought I didn't have the Spirit, He proved himself alive and active. God is so good.

Mondays are my favorite because I love listening to new Steven Furtick sermons during my lunch. God is cool. He allowed me to wander around a little bit then decided to woo me back to Him. Todays sermon was titled, "Toxic Thoughts." I smiled. How can I doubt God when He has been constantly and continuously revealing Himself in my life. He is relentless. I was reminded of the battle between good and evil this week though. I forgot about the full armor of God for a moment.

As I realzied God was proving Himself faithful and His promises true I was overwhelmed with the Spirit. I decided to stop to blog so I wouldn't forget the work God is doing in me. Even though the Spirit isn't working in and through me like I want Him too... doesn't mean He isn't in me and working there. It's obvious He is. A wise Paul reminded me that my ways are not God's ways... and my thoughts are not God's thoughts. I felt encouraged to just trust God... and to trust God with the secret things in life instead of trying to figure them out and find answers for them.... specifically for things like God's judgement, suicide, interpretion of the Bible, mental illness, addiction, different religion, where people are born and live, the part humans play, the part I play, etc....

I thank God for being gentle with me and for discipleship- which is the Spirit powered process of Christ being formed in me. I'm super thankful for my committed and loving Paul who gives me so much wisdom and guidance in the Gospel.

So.... I will just trust God. In all things. How He wills. What He wills. When He wills.




And here are my sermon notes on "Toxic Thoughts" from Craig Groeschel at Elevation Church:

Toxic thoughts and detoxifying our thought life...

• The whole time he was locked in the closet- the closet wasn't even locked.
• Because he believed a lie it radically limited what he was able to do.
• So many of us are believing the toxic lies of our spiritual enemy.  
• Because we are believing things that are not true, thinking on things that are not of God, we are dramatically limited and not doing all that God wants us to do.
• So many of life's battles are fought in the mind.
• Romans 7- why do I do what I don't want to do.
• Battle between spirit and flesh. Battle is decided in the mind.
• I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I don't know enough... #insecure
• I was believing in my own abilities or inabilities and not believing in the power and presence of God.
• I was believing in the limitations of my own life rather than the power of God.
• Toxic: Anything containing poisonous material capable of causing sickness or even death.
• Poisoning our own soul with toxic thoughts.
• It's the thought that counts.

1. Identify and reject toxic thoughts. With the help of the Spirit of God, try to identify specific negative toxic thoughts then with help of the Spirit we are going to reject them.
• Proverbs 4:23 "Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life."
• As a man thinks in his heart... so he is.
• 2 Corinthians 10:4 "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
• Prisoner locked by deception=greek word for stronghold.
• Our weapons have the power to unlock the prisoner who is believing the lies.
• 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
• Any thought that is not of God, we grab it- we are not it's prisoner, it becomes our prisoner and we shape it by the word of God and make it obedient to Christ.

Areas commonly giving into toxic thoughts

1. Negative thoughts
• I don't have what it takes. No matter how hard I try I can't do it. I can't do it all. No one appreciates me.
2. Fearful thoughts
• What if I lose my job? What if I never get married? What if I don't have kids? What if I can't trust this person. What's gonna happen to my kids? Irrational things... Worry/Fear...
3. Discontented thoughts
• I don't like my body. My appearance. Not attractive. Not happy unless dating. He isn't being good to me. I wish my husband was a better spiritual leader. Wish I had this in my life. Wish I had kids. If I had a bigger house. Different job. Not satisfied with where I am...
4. Critical thoughts
• I'd never do that. This place wouldn't work with out me. I don't like my staff. Critical spirit...

We've got to guard our thoughts! Carefully! If you want to find things to be fearful about, discontent about, negative about, critical about... it is very easy. You choose what you think about. You can find what you are looking for.

The battle is fought in the mind... you get to choose. You're gonna find what you're looking for. Look for something bad you can find it. See God working you can find it.

Identify and reject your toxic thoughts.

• Jeremiah 12:3 "Yet, You know me, O Lord; You see me and test my thoughts about you. Drag them off like sheep to be butchered! Set them apart for the day of slaughter!"
• If anything inconsistent with your character, with your heart, with your Truth, with you... drag these thoughts off like sheep to be butchered.
• Don't let my displeasing thoughts in my mind- I'm going to identify and reject those thoughts.

2. Replace Toxic thoughts with Truth.

• Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
• Phil 4:8 "Whatever is true and noble and right and lovely and admirable... if anything is excellent or praiseworthy we should think about such things."
• Bad translations
• I'm believing this... but it's inconsistent with God's word- I'm going to butcher that.
• Scripture says this is true so I'm going to think about this.
• Thinking God's word then you are living God's word
• Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, please, and perfect will."  
• Changed with the renewing of our mind as we take God's word in...
• Stop thinking lies and start thinking truth.
• Believe what God says and do what God says.
• Identify toxic thoughts. Recect them. Replace them.

**Don't be locked in the closet that Jesus has already unlocked. Open the door and do what God has called you to do. Don't you dare stay locked up in that prison.**

• I can't do it: No, You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.
• I'm not good enough. No God's word says you are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus go do what God has called you to do.
• I'm just used goods. No you are a new creation in Christ Jesus, Behold, all of that stuff is gone I have been made new. OPen the door. Go do it.
• God's never gonna heal me, I'm not able to lead through this, I'm stuck... No, scripture says all things are possible.
• I can't handle this. No, I can handle everything with the power of Christ.
• I'm never going to make a difference. No, I have been created and chosen, called by God on earth at this time to make a difference for His name.
• My boss is a jerk. I am the light of the world. And I am God's secret agent sent into the world to shine the light of Christ.
• I can never forgive them. No Christ is in me... I can forgive I choose to I will forgive. I will be a blessing.
• I'm lonely and miserable. No, I've got more time to serve God than other people and I will maximize my life for His glory.
• I can't get it all done. No, I have everything I need for life and Godliness. You have everything you need to do everything God has called you to do.

*Quit letting the lies of the enemy limit God's potential through you as you stay locked in the closet. Do not be conformed but be transformed by the renewing of your mind then you will be able to test and approve what is good.

*Don't you dare be locked up by lies in that prison. Jesus filled you with the spirit, identify the lie, replace it with the truth, think about good things, pure, lovely, open the door and do what God has called you to do.

I pray Your word would renew our minds with Your truth, I pray that we would identify and reject any toxic thoughts that poison our soul, replace them with Your truth, meditate on Your Word, and become who you called us to be. Thank you that we have the mind of Christ, that You that Your Word washes us and renews us. Thank You that Your Word is empowering Your church to make a difference in this town and beyond. Thank You that as we think on Your word we can do what You call us to do and You will get all the glory for Your work through Your church.

The Gospel in and through my cracks.

 

There is power in the name of Jesus. The Gospel is power.

Preach the Gospel to yourself every single day. And let the Holy Spirit work. God’s word is alive and active. My life is proof of that. The Spirit is in us… the same power that conquered the grave and the same love that rescued the world… lives in us!! And He is opening my eyes to who God is, Jesus is, who the Holy Spirit is, what the Gospel is, and who I am in Christ. I wanted to share my revelation that helped me to know God better. My revelation about my cracks.

“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in His holy people, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength He exerted when He raised Christ from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 1:17-20

My revelation: The extent of my depravity. The light has found the darkness deep down in my heart. I am totally needy. I need help, rescued, a savior, every day. I’m a little idolater. Basically I am depending on something to save me… the question is what/who is it? However, the Holy Spirit is helping me to rely more on God’s love and less on my false, functional, pseudo saviors. Maybe I will blog about idols later. Hmm...

It’s a good thing to realize you suck.

“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners” (Mark 2:17).

I am more wicked than I ever dared believe. I realized I am so weak that I need a savior who died for me. I’m so bad that nothing less than the death of the son of God could save me. God’s grace has become so much more precious to me as I have been given this revelation of my need. Even my best efforts and greatest accomplishments are filthy rags. I’m a ragamuffin. The truth is… older brother or younger brother … we are all equally lost! The best thing in the world is to know that, and to know there is only one way to be saved. His name is Jesus.  And so often we reject Him. We reject our Father’s free gift of the grace and turn to worthless idols. But the Gospel…. Is power. It’s Jesus, the way, truth, and life. May we depend more on the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross.

“We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 4:9).

God created us in His image. Like a piece of pottery. The Potter’s hands molded us like clay. But something happened to us… Sin entered the world… now we are all cracked pots.

I’m not perfect. I’ve been hurt. I’m broken, wounded, bruised, damaged, scarred… Some of it is from the people and events that I had no control over when I was growing up. Some things are my own fault, and some things became my fault by not taking responsibility for them. But the truth is... we can't save ourselves and we can't fix ourselves. We are all just broken people; we are sheep, doing the best we can. Left to our own devices we will fail and fail and fail again.

Satan wants to condemn my woundedness. He wants to take my hurts and keep me chained in their bondage so I keep hurting and hurt others. “Therefore there is now, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). If we aren’t careful our cracks will become our identity. If we let power, control, approval, success, relationships, career, etc. define us- we will be devastated because those things will never satisfy. We were made with a hole and longing and there is only one thing that fits!

Jesus is our total rescue. Even though we will continue to be broken here on earth, Jesus is our help for eternity and for today, every day! Because of Him, I am a chosen, accepted, adopted, child of God. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

In the dirt, ashes, decay…. God takes our dying, cracked selves and He breathes on us and revives us. He breathes His Spirit inside of us and gives us life, new life. We were dead in our sin but now we get to live as new creations with our identity in Christ. As sons and daughters of our Father God. Even though we will still be cracked, God loves us to wholeness by His Spirit inside of us. My identity isn’t about me anymore… it is all about Christ.

In my brokenness, I've discovered the amazing power and love of God is immeasurable! God's high, wide, long, deep love for us reaches us EXACTLY where we are. While we were sinners, Christ died for us (Rom 5:8). That you may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (Eph 3:18). God is a perfect Father, and He loves perfectly. 

As I start to believe, receive, and experience God's love and grace through the Holy Spirit I am being healed. God is healing me. He is loving me in the depths of my wounds and revealing truth where the lies have been planted. I’m not limited by my chips and cracks in outer shell… I have a treasure inside! Jesus is the light inside of that fractured jar healing the hurting places on the interior, then shining through the broken places so that the world could see.

The way God shines out of broken people like me, is through my cracks. As the Holy Spirit transforms me and my wounds heal, I will share my story, which is a part of The Story; My experiences and encounters with the power of the Gospel. God shines His light through my cracks, not just healing me, but allowing that light to lead others straight into His loving arms and the truth about who they are. If I didn’t have those cracks people wouldn’t be able to see God’s light shining out; people wouldn’t be able to see where Jesus was strong and covered my weakness. Jesus makes my imperfections and adversity in my life beautiful, for God’s glory, to shine God’s light. My brokenness leads me to Jesus. #adversitytoministry

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us” (2 Corinthians 4:7).

In my bleeding, wounded, broken heart, God’s grace is sufficient. I pray others would accept this gift that has saved my life. Because I am loved, I’m able to love. I pray I would love others to wholeness, not that I would complete them or make them whole, but that Christ would be formed in them. I pray children and young people would trust me because I understand their pain, and because of the light and love that is inside of me that comes only from Jesus. #discipleship

God makes beautiful things out of the dust. Beauty from ashes! So let us delight in hardships, weakness, suffering, pain, adversity... When we are at the end of ourselves- we go to God and he satisfies. We can do all things through Him not ourselves! For when we are weak, then we are strong. When we have cracks- Jesus shines through! My grace is suficient for you; for my power is made perfect in weakness.

There is NO GREATER LOVE than God’s love. Any other love will just leak from our broken hearts.

Now I pray that God would send us in His power.

“We’ll be that city on a hill burning brightly. We’ll be a light to the world, shining Your glory!”

 

God my Father.

What kind of Father is God? A perfect Father.

How you view God determines how you approach God.

1. God is a competant Father.

• What is impossible with men, is possible with God.
• Our father is bigger than any obstacle you may be facing.
• God is strong enough to carry any burden.
• God is with us, he is on our side, he will make a way.

2. God is a caring Father

• Psalm 103 God has compassion- longs to pour His love on His children
• God loves you and cares for you
• Earliest picture in my mind of what a father looks like???
• Best dad in world pales in comparison to God.
• Ps 27:10- though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
• Jesus has rescued you.
• He loves you when you run from Him.
• Cares for you: marriage, mortgage, failures, hopes, relationships, fears, etc.
• Sent His son Jesus to die for you.

3. God is a close Father.

• Always near. Ps 145:18 "The Lord is near to all who call on Him."
• Promises to never leave us, never forsake us, always with us.

Jesus had to be foraske so that we would never have to be. God turned away from His son so He would never have to turn away from us.

**If you feel abandoned- in the name of Jesus God has not left you.
**If you feel forgotten- God knows the number of hairs on your head, knows you intimately and cares about every single detail of your life.

God is calling you to overcome your feelings and stand on the truth of His word. God is a perfect Father.

Our past never defines our future.

Dont see your Heavenly Father the way you view your earthly Father. You are a Child of God with a perfect and loving Father.

If you encounter doubt... renew your mind. Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ so that you can realzie that you are a child of God with a Father that loves you.

I pray to see God how He truly is. Perfect, loving, powerful, capable, heavenly Father.

Receive.

My broken heart is leaking. I'm wounded. At the well.



John 5:1-9-- The Healing at the Pool

Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals.  Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. ³ Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”
“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”
Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

 I can relate to this man. Sick. Paralyzed. Needing a doctor. Needing healing. At the pool of healing. But I'm not being healed. However, I do not want to be there for 38 years....

"For my people have done two evil things: They have abandoned me-- the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all." Jeremiah 2:13
I've exchanged my glorious God for worthless idols. It's like sitting at the pool of healing but not getting in. We have the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead living in us. We have the pool of healing in us! We have a river of living water, a fountain that never will run dry, a deep well, the one and only source that satisfies living in us!


God is pursuing me. It's undeniable. He is after my heart, and he won't relent until He has it all. He is chasing me. He loves me. It's like I forgot who God was and who I was, but I am being reminded. I'm starting to remember. The Holy Spirit in my heart is bringing revelation so I can know God better.
God has been speaking to me through a lot of different things and people. The Holy Spirit is convicting me and revealing the truth and giving me the courage and strength to fulfill my calling-- to be a child of God and to go and make disciples. Very hard to not shrink back into my comfortable dysfunction. Very difficult to feel able or adequate or worthy. Very hard to be brave when I have so much fear- but I have to believe that the same power that conquered the grave, lives in me. Humbled that God wants to let me be a part of His will and has graced me with opportunities to be involved in His work and Kingdom. Now I get to choose Him back. I need to get into the healing pool and be healed. I don't want to sit next to it, waiting for 38 years. Such a time is this (Esther 4:14).
God has been gentle with me. I can literally see His handprints all over the last year of my life.
God is preparing me for what He has already prepared for me. I guess I'm like Esther, going through beautification process. I started going to counseling recently because I realized I was completely functioning out of woundedness and needed help being healed so I could step out of my prison because the chains had already been broken.

This last week God continued to speak clearly. I wasn't living like a child of God. I didn't know who I was in Christ. I was living with a bad lens, projecting, and my foundation was on the lie that I'm unlovable. That I don't even deserve to be lovable. Again, wounded. It wasn't my fault, but now it is time to take responsibility. I need to know and believe, receive and accept the Truth- which is what God says. Time to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinth 10:5). I realized I was needy. I realized I couldn't fix it or ever be good enough. And I realized that the Holy Spirit is here to help transform me- I need to cooperate. I'm setting my sail and going to try to not fight the wind too much.

An out of town visitor gave me some homework to do. She encouraged me to draw a picture of God. Of who I feel God is- not who I think God should be. She also challenged me to write a letter to myself from God. Then, analyze who I was believing God to be and what my relationship with Him looks like based on my picture and letter.
What did I draw?

I drew several pictures. The first image I had in my mind of God was a dissapointed face- an "I expected more and you let me down" face. I then began to draw a scene from my past... My basketball coach with their hands on their hips, me on the bench with my jersey and hands over my face, head down, crying, feeling like a failure.

I then realized I was projecting my feelings. God is not like my basketball coach, nor is He like an alcoholic dad, or an imperfect friend. I have been confused about God for a long time. I have been confused about the Gospel for a long time as well. The hurts from relationships have become such deep wounds and have become my identity, and I have believed lies to be truth that I live by. I made people into gods and expected them to love and rescue and accept me... and since their love wasn't perfect and lasting there must be something wrong with me. I have been mistaking God's love to be like human love. Since I have never experienced perfect love on earth, I projected that on God. I was believing my feelings like they were truth. I intellectualize everything- so I do know the truth in my head about who God is and who I am in Christ, but I never shed light into that darkness before now. So I get it in my mind... And my picture then changed.

I wanted to draw Dory from Nemo or a cracked pot leaking... because it seemed like I just keep forgetting who I am and who God is and forgetting the truth. But the reality is... I haven't known or believed the truth in a really long time. I haven't been forgetting, I just have been believing a lie this whole time. Since I believe the lie and don't think i'm lovable or deserving, I have been rejecting the truth.

My next picture is where I am currently at. I drew another dissapointed face. This wasn't a shaming, condemning face. It was a Father who is dissapointed that his daughter won't believe him, won't even look at him. A father who is sad that his daughter is calling him a liar and just threw the gift he gave her back in his face. A father who is dissapointed that his daughter won't receive or accept his love, his perfect, neverending, unconditional, satisfying love. A father who just wants to provide, comfort, fill and satisfy his desparate, longing, needy, little girl.

I then ended up drawing a little girl sitting on a bench, hiding her face and eyes, covered in rain, alone. I can't even see God to draw Him because I refuse to look... I refuse to receive... because my shame and core belief is that I'm not good enough or worthy.

But, I do know in my mind that God is with me and loves me. The Gospel is bringing light to my darkness. God has called me to be healed from that- to replace the lies with the Truth, and to receive the gift, accept it, and live like a child, be who I am called to be and do what God has prepared for me to do. So I really hope to be able to draw a Father holding his daughter soon.

Not gonna share my whole letter but here is a part of it:

"Open your eyes. Believe me. I'm not a liar. Receive and accept my perfect gift. I sent my only son to die because I wanted to be with you. I am faithful you can trust me. I love you and promise to never fail you.I choose you, my beloved child- please accept your adoption I want you to know how loved you are. I'm sorry thy hurt you, but they weren't created to love you like only I can. Please don't project your feelings on me- I'm not him. I know you are scared but do not be afraid I am good. I will not take my love away. I will not abandon you or leave you as an orphan. There is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less. My grace can and will heal you. Come to me, rest in my arms. Open your eyes and see I'm holding you, crying too, and washing your feet. I know this world is hard and the enemy whispers lies to you, but I give you my Spirit, He will help you, you have the same power as Jesus did, remain in my love. It is finished. You are healed, you are free. I'm with you, I'm in you, I will help you. Stand up, now, walk, and live. I love you please don't forget it. You are my child, remember who you are.

**Homework: Accept and receive the free gift. Be loved by your Father. His grace will heal you. Know and believe the Truth and it will transform you. #Receive

God is so jealous for me. God wants to be the one I stop hiding from and am vulnerable with. God wants to be the one I lift my head to, open my eyes to, run to, lean on, depend on, rely on, turn to, rest in, and be filled by. He wants to prove that He is the ne and only Source that can satisfy. He wants me to heal by His perfect love and grace. I can't expect a broken person to fix me, or expect them to love me like I need. BUT God promises to do that. His love is perfect. He can and will love me to wholeness.

I'm being romance, loved, and healed by Jesus. I'm not going to exchange my glorious God for worthless idols anymore. (Well, kinda...still am and always will be a work in progress until Christ comes back, or I die. lol.)

I love that I am learning to rely and depend on Jesus, not myself, not other people, but on God- who is my total help! And I'm experiencing this in my heart, not just in my mind! #miracle #thanksHS

So I will continue to study who Jesus is, what He said and did, and the character and nature of God. So that I can know and believe the Truth, not my feelings or lies. And I hope and pray that soon the picture of God I have in my mind and the reality of our relationship will be a loving Father, holding his beloved child. Believe it until you see it.

New Creation

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me!

(Thursday, June 7th 2012-- This blog post comes from what God taught me yesterday through a Mark Driscoll sermon, a lady named Cynthia, the book of Ephesians, and a couple friends.)

I'm prone to wander; my flesh is weak. I know that my true identity is in Christ... but I forget.

The term "In Christ" is used 38 times by Paul in his letter to the church in Ephesus. (Instead of reading this blog you should read Ephesians #sogood.)

I'm just a sinner saved by grace, nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.

I thought that was my identity. But if we look at ourselves we will not have an accurate identity. Once we are saved, we are to look to Jesus, and our identity should be in Christ. We are actually a new creation. A new person. We can have a new life. My struggle lately has been continuing in my old ways and old patterns and forgetting who I am, and whose I am. Continuing to live not as free, but as a slave. God is convicting me of this because it was for freedom that Christ set us free.

Our hope... is to not be defined as a sinner, but as a saint. In Christ.
Paul doesn't start by calling us guilty. "You people that Jesus loved, died for, made brand new, gave a new nature with new desires and a new mind and a new power by the Holy Spirit to put off an old sinful way of life and put on a new Christian way of life. (Mark Driscoll)"

Last weak I realzied through a Bible study I am doing that I am totally needy, sinful, unable to do good on my own, or earn acceptance. I suck. But the good news is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The Gospel is the answer to my issues, my sin, my idols, my feelings... Jesus is the Way, Truth, and Life. I must preach the Gospel to myself every day. Every moment, every second, because that is how much I need it. I need it to breathe. It is my breath. It's the air I breathe. Without it, i'm suffocating, dying, dead in sin.

I'm prone to go back to my dead self and live in prison, but God has chosen me, adopted me, and called me to live like a child of God. What I just realized is that I can do nothing to earn or deserve this- free gift. My word is receive.

I love Peter- the disciple. He actually believed that He could do what Jesus did, so he stepped out of the boat cause he wanted to walk on the water like Jesus. As he started sinking, Jesus asked him why he doubted himself.

This is where I am. But God is speaking truth to this lie that Peter and I both believe as we follow Jesus. I praise God for my struggles, adversity, and weakness- for when I am weak, then I am strong. In Christ.

Truth: The same power that conquered the grave, lives in me. The same love that rescued the world, lives in me. The Spirit of God, the Spirit that helped Jesus live a perfect life... lives in me. God became a man and lived by His Holy Spirit. Baptized in Holy Spirit. Remained in Him. Jesus' whole life was empowered by the Spirit- even when He was sinned against.

While we know we are sinners, we need to remember the Truth... We can ask the Holy Spirit to help us become like Jesus. As we follow Christ, trying to know Him and be like Him, the Holy Spirit is who will transform us and help us to become more like Christ. It is actually impossible for us to be like Jesus by our own strength; but the Holy Spirit working in and through us can make us like Jesus. (This truth just touched my heart yesterday. #sogood)

How has Jesus responded to you? As Jesus responds to me, I can respond to others the way Jesus has responded to me. Because I am loved, I'm able to love.

Driscoll talks a lot about relationships and being hurt and wounded in this sermon. Even things in the past... if they still hurt, then it's in the present. Minimizing feelings diminishes the work of Jesus... because Jesus died for it- it's a big deal. We need to talk about how we are feeling- stop lying to ourselves and others- and begin to be truthful. We need to say what is true.

I love how Mark Driscoll talks about emotions. I have been condemning myself for my feelings lately, because I know that they are not truth and that I shouldn't give them as much power as I do. However... emotions mean we aren't emotionally dead, but still alive. We need to give ourselves permission to feel. (That is huge. #sogood)

The key I think... is "In your anger do not sin..." Our feelings are valid. They can even be good, especially when we feel what God feels. But we cannot give the devil a foothold. Satan can empower words and deeds to make them more powerful than they should be. The only access that satan has to believers is the access believers give him through sin. Don't invite the devil into our words and deeds and relationships- he will empower bitterness and anger and hatred to escalate and divide people. Don't let satan enable and empower sin.

**Don't just think about your hurt... think about your enemy and how he is using your hurt to multiply your hurt and using you to hurt others. Deceptive, demonic trick.**

Old way vs. New way:
We each have an old way of thinking and acting and have patterns of reacting. In Christ we can have new habits and new responses and new patterns. We are a new creation in Christ. We have new power through the Holy Spirit to put into motion new responses to old frustrations. I was reminded that I don't have to act like my parents or grandparents, or act like the old Laura, but I can act like Jesus because of the Holy Spirit.

#calledtocommunity
We are fellow sinners, and together by the grace of God we can be like Jesus. We can respond by power of the Holy Spirit. We can love like Jesus.

I have Jesus. I can respond to others the way Jesus has responded to me. The Holy Spirit wants us to be like Jesus. Jesus modeled responses that were truthful, brave, emotional, passionate, and His words were always life giving! Our former nature... wants to counter-punch, but our new nature is love. If you think you can't do it- you are right- you can't. And if you are able to do it, it's a miracle. Holy Spirit has to enable you to do it.

You only can through the presence and power of the Holy Spirit!

***Driscoll calls it a ship that sets it's sail. The wind is what comes and powerfully compels it towards its destination. This is what it means to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Repentence, humility, new identity in Christ- that is setting your sail and asking the HS to make you go in the direction of Jesus.

Paul isn't telling us to do something, because it has already been done. Jesus did it for you. The pressure is off. Let the Holy Spirit enable you to do what Jesus did. Let God do something in and through you.

Holy Spirit can empower you to respond in a miraculous way! Invite the HS to change your behavior to help make you more like Jesus.



I'm going to be transparent. (Can you do that in a blog?)

I have wounds and hurts- I'm a mess. I believe in my heart and soul that I'm unlovable. Deeper than that- I don't even beleive that I deserve to be lovable.

The Holy Spirit is working and moving in my heart. Miracles are happening, strongholds are being broken, Truth is being revealed... I don't think satan likes this because He definitely attacked me yesterday. The very thing I was learning is where he snuck in and put lies and self-doubt to make me sink, even though I had stepped out of the boat and started to walk on water. It was very frustrating to go back to my former way of life, and react and respond not like a child of God, but as an unlovable ragamuffin who is scared and can't trust. I had forgotten. I forgot who God was. I forgot what God did. I forgot what God said. I forgot who I was. #whatasheepmove #baaa

BUT greater is He that is in me than he who is in the world. And even as I sinned, and felt defeated... I believed that satan won the battle... I'm thankful for a God who loves me and saves me. Not just for eternity, but every single day! Satan intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. (Gen 50:29) The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy... which is what if felt like happened last night. But Jesus has come so that I may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) I cannot forget that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ. (Phil 1:6) So this means that I am still in process and a work in progress. I don't need to let satan condemn by setback. Therefore there is NOW no condemntaion for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom 8:1).

Satan meant it for bad, but God used it for good.

Because in that moment... I prayed. And I confessed to God my sin. I admitted my need. I asked God to help me through His Holy Spirit because I was completely unable to do it in my own strength.

The main lie that I am believing and living out of is that I'm unlobale. Even deeper... I don't deserve to be lovable. Satan tried to prove me a sinner last night, prove me unlovable... and he almost succeeded.

*******<3*******
I didn't realize this until afterwards when I was talking to a friend.... but what had happened was God was revealing His love for me. He was giving me grace. It was an opportunity for God to forgive me and love me. I even let a friend love me, too. This was a battle won by me and Jesus. Maybe God didn't want me to "respond perfectly" but he wanted me to be loved. If I would have responded the way I wanted or thought I should- then I would have been functioning in my old ways of earning and deserving love- in essence, rejecting love and rejecting the gift God gave me, rejecting the gospel. He wanted me to feel love, receive love, and accept love so I could believe the Truth, that I am lovable. He wanted to give me a gift of love and grace. And he wanted to show me that he loves me even when I'm not deserving it or earning it. It was a little victory. A little miracle. I loved it.

#receive



(Mark Driscoll- How to Hug a Vampire)

No other Gospel

What is the Gospel?

I use to think that I knew the Gospel, but the truth is that we can spend our entire lives studying it and still not come close to understand it in it's entirety. As soon as you think you are an expert in the Gospel, that's when you have lost it. You can call it the "mystery of Christ," aka we are not God so we can store all of our questions in our Deuteronomy 29:29 folder which says "The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law."

I've recently been studying Galations (Instead of reading my blog you should read Galations).
Paul is very passionate in Galations about people returning to the law, rejecting the gospel, or adding to the gospel, and I am beginning to share that passion. Hence this blog post.

No Other Gospel
"I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel — which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ."


I had an Ah-Ha moment last week... I've understood grace in my head, but not in my heart. Thankfully, God sent me an angel to love me unconditionally, and to show me what love really is. A free gift. Love with conditions is not love, because it will abandon you when you aren't earning it. That is not love. What is love??? I've been wondering the same thing. God is love. Jesus is love. The Gospel is love. 1 Corinthians 13 and 1 John talk a lot about love. Our example of what love is... is Jesus. Sacrifice. Service. Dying for someone who doesn't deserve it. Free gift of grace.

So I wanted to share my revelation. I realized that I am totally needy. I can do nothing. I am nothing. I will never ever be perfect, I will never even be close to the standard that Jesus gives us. I am totally undeserving. I am not good enough. Not worthy. Not acceptable. And no matter how hard I try... I cannot fix myself or this fatal condition. I deserve death. Death on a cross. Something for us to remember- we are all in the same boat. For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Even my best efforts and greatest accomplishments... even my prettiest days and happiest moments... those are filthy rags.

I need forgiveness. I need to forgive myself for not being able to earn love. Which is hard for me to accept because I have been trying to earn love my entire life... earn love, deserve love, be good enough for love... I'm completely driven by love, and the longing to love and be loved. A week ago I realized it is completely impossible for me to do what I have been trying to do my entire life... Come to find out I will NEVER be able to accomplish my life goal or deepest longing.

GOOD NEWS! Beccause God loved me, He sent His one and only son, Jesus, to die my death so that I could be in relationship with Him. And now, IT IS FINISHED! I don't have to do anything... it's done. Jesus did it. The finished work of Jesus on the cross is enough! His blood is sufficient!!! I did nothing to earn it, deserve it, nor will I ever be able to pay it back. It's completely one-sided. FREE GIFT! And it keeps on giving!

I think one of the most important things in the entire world is to know who you are in Christ. We are just sinners saved by grace... but we are also new creations. Co-heirs with Christ. We have the righteousness of God. We are seen an pure and blameless and perfect, because of Jesus, not ourselves. It's a beautiful exchange... Jesus gets our penalty and we get his righteousness. Humbling. Our approval and affirmation should come from the one true Source- Jesus. Our new life should be characterized by this: Chosen and adopted children of God. And God wants us to live like a son/daughter. Beloved child.

I will no longer live by gospel+ or grace+works... because that is rejecting the gift God gave. The gift he sent His son to die for. The most important thing is to accept and receive and believe this love, God's son Jesus, the Gospel. So I will no longer seek to earn love, because love CANNOT be earned. I'm surrendering my efforts to prove myself acceptable and relying solely on the finished work of Jesus on the cross. It's enough. It's finished. Done.

Christ love compels us. Which has become my new motive for works and obedience. When I wake up, I die to myself and put on Christ... and live everyday trying to become more like Christ and remember who I am in Christ, and fulfill my calling to go and make disciples by sharing this good news. That Jesus is our total help for our total need.

I'm glad I am starting to understand how needy I am- totally needy! And Jesus is my rescue. My savior. My healer. So I crown Him as King, Lord, Shepherd. And I will follow Him as closely as possible, not by doing anything, but simply by recieving His gift.

I pray you would come to understand the Gospel in a deeper way, like I did last Tuesday. Because it was for freedom that Christ set us free.

#hisnameisJesus

#hungry

Don't exchange your glorious God for worthless idols.
"For my people have done two evil things: they have abandoned me- the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all." -Jeremiah 2:13
#brokenandleaking


My soul Lord is thirsty. Only you can satisfy. You're the well that never will run dry.
You are the treasure I could not afford. So I'll spend myself 'til I'm empty and poor. All for you. You revive me Lord.
All my deserts are rivers of joy.
I'm alive. You breathe on me. You revive me.


Don't rush past God's table, sit down and eat with Jesus.
"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, He said to them, 'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.'" -Mark 6:31 #sabbath

"Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" -John 4:13 #deepwells

"Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink; whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them."-John 7:37 #holyspirit

I've got a river of living water a fountain that NEVER will run dry.
We're stirring up deep deep wells. We're stirring up deep deep waters.

#theWord
#theSource
#riveroflivingwater
#fountainthatneverwillrundry
#stirringupdeepdeepwells
#deeperwaters
#oneandonlysourcethatcansatisfy
#hisnameisjesus

#hisnameisjesus

My God is not dead... He's surely alive. Today I was reminded how alive and active He is. The Holy Spirit is in us... and He is moving. I'm humbled when I get to be a part of it. I love that our God wants to include us even though He doesn't need us.

God is overwhelming me with His pursuit of my heart- He won't relent until He has it all. Lately I have been learning and growing a lot, and I want to share the wisdom God is teaching me- because it is flooding my heart and mind... #mycupoverflows

I'm excited to share what God is doing during this season of my life. I kinda feel like Esther- going through a beautification process. God is preparing me for what He already has prepared for me. #called

I don't think anything will be original. Lots of sermon notes, quotes from books and the Bible, things I've learned from other people, song lyrics, and hopefully some of what God speaks to me. #hungry

You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13

My favorite hashtag in the world is #hisnameisjesus. I want my life to be all about Jesus. I want everything I say and do to be about Jesus. Hoping the blog is a glimpse of my journey of becoming more like Christ.