Be still, my soul; there is a healer.

12/23/2012

December 7th at 1:40pm, my sister Erin told me, "Dad has lung cancer."

I would spend the next 10 days hanging out with my dad, staying as busy as possible, getting sick and trying to recover, researching a lot about lung cancer, and finding comfort in the promises found in God's word.

December 17th, 3:00pm-- Our first appointment with the cancer doctor to find out the staging, treatment, and prognosis.

The whole family was gathered in the doctors office.... waiting.

Waiting for the news.

Just how bad is it?

The doctor came in asking lots of questions and did a physical examination of Dad. He finally began talking about the lung cancer...

I was holding my breath.

I didn't really understand the results he was reading from the PET scan until he finally said it...

Stage 4.

I knew what that meant. I had been reading about it for the last 10 days. My heart sank and my eyes began to search the room... I looked at dad... tears began to stream from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Those two words were the words I had been dreading the last 10 days, and the words I had been dreading my entire life.

So... Dad has Stage 4 Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer (Squamous Cell Carcinoma). The left lung is completely covered, and it has spread into the right lung, the abdomen cavity, and the abdomen. We are currently waiting on brain mri and bone scan results to tell us the extent of it in the brain and bones. We are waiting on tests to see the kindney/liver function. Chemo has been ordered but we are just waiting until these test results to decide on whether or not Dad can take it. We will be making that decision a few days after Christmas.

Our treatment options are very limited due to Dad's current functioning status. He is at a 100% resting functioning status. He is having major difficulty breathing. He has also been having rapid weight loss and is struggling to keep food down. Every case is different and Dad's is unique and complex, especially because he also has Histoplasmosis.

But Dad isn't letting it keep him down! He has been coming to church with us at Eastview which really blesses all of us, and yesterday we were able to have family pictures taken with our entire family! Prints have already been ordered! It was hard to smile through the emotions that came with the pictures, knowing that these would be some of our last pictures with Dad...  

I love my Dad and I am so proud of him. I can't believe the strength he is showing despite the overwhelming physical weakness. My Dad was made in the image of God (we all were). He is so gentle. And giving and kind. And strong. He is a very simple man. I just love my dad.

The last 7 months have been such a gift. Such a blessing. When Dad's lung collapsed on April 3rd, it was a miracle he lived. Drew (my brother) and I were talking about how it is such a gift to know that we only have limited time with Dad so we can make the most of it, and truly cherish and embrace him and each other and make precious memories with Dad during his last days here on earth.

"For we will surely die and are like water spilled on the ground which cannot be gathered up again. Yet God does not take away life, but plans ways so that the banished one will not be cast out from him."  -- 2 Samuel 14:14 

It's very difficult to accept the reality of his condition. Dad said he was okay with dying, we all die, but he just wasn't ready to die yet. We have been working on making a bucket list. Unfortuantely if Dad gets a tattoo he will get kicked out of his house! :) I said, "Dad you can have it your way for the rest of your life!" He responded by saying he didn't want anything, that he has everything he needs. We did get him a new TV and smart phone, which he is enjoying. :-)

Despite our hope in heaven, we are still in a lot of pain and suffering. My sister Rachelle noticed Dad's work boots sitting on the floor and mentioned how he would never wear them again. Dad still has people calling him wanting him to build them a house. My sister Rachelle has been saving up for Dad to build her a house. Dad really wants to fix Erin's broken garage. We told Dad we needed to have a retirement party! What girl doesn't want her Dad to walk her down the isle? I know it is really hard for my brother and his wife who just had their first baby, who won't get to enjoy her grandpa. It's very difficult for us.

I thought my Dad was the healthiest he has ever been..... Answered prayers for sure! Then to find out the opposite, the worst news, that he is dying.... But.... This is where my unexplainable peace comes....

Be still, my soul; there is a healer. Here is where the bad news is bad but the good news is better. This is where I find comfort...

God NEVER intended for us to die. He created us to live forever, in perfect harmony. Unfortunately sin ruined His perfect plan. And now we have pain, suffering, disease, and death. So it's no suprise how painful this is, even with our eternal hope. Cancer sucks.

I'm definitely grieving.... but not like the rest of the world, with no hope. I'm grieving in confidence. The best day I have ever had with my Dad, was on Easter when we were in the hospital after Dad's lung collapsed, and we took communion together. Dad's physical health may be failing, but I believe he is being healed. So often we miss the miracles because they aren't a cure for cancer, but God is moving mightily on our behalf, that's for sure.

Genesis 50:20 says "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done; the saving of many lives." 

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." This is the truth I cling to, because I know God's character, and He who promised is surely faithful. I love this verse because despite the bad circumstances we are being faced with, God is bringing good out of it. God is good no matter what happens. And He is working for our good. What an awesome God.

God is our healer. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. But the Lord is our Good Shepherd. Who came and is coming to give us life, and life to the fullest.

In Psalm 23 it talks about how God shepherds his flock. Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we don't need to fear. Because it is just a shadow. Shadows can't hurt us. Death has lost it's sting. The grave has been overcome. Death is just a shadow for those who are in Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:55-57 says, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

My joy comes from the truth that God raises the dead. Not just Jesus and Lazarus. But anyone who accepts and transfers their trust will be raised to new life. In the midst of the worst news I've ever heard, the good news is greater. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

There is something so powerful about understanding the character of God and the Gospel of Jesus. It is good news. God is good. And he loves us. I'm comforted because God made himself vulnerable and left His heavenly throne to come down and suffer with us. He knows how we feel. He lost His only son. God loves us and hates suffering so much that He got involved in it with us. His name is Jesus. Now, we are more than conquerers. It wasn't in vein, but it was to end all evil, all suffering, and to take away the agony of death. I don't know why God allows.... But I do know that He loves us. He cares. And He is good.

How perfect is it that we are about to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. My family is mourning this Christmas, but God cries too. God understands what we are going through. The baby in a manger is proof. Jesus being born is the beginning of the crushing blow to satan's head that God promised Adam and Eve in Genesis 3:15 before He kicked them out of the garden. And the happy news for us is that the baby would one day grow up and hang on a cross for us, which was the next step in the end of our enemy, satan, who comes to kill... but Jesus came to give us life. His blood ended the power of sin and His resurrection takes away the sting of death. And "God will soon and very soon crush satan under our feet."  - Romans 16:20.

Praise to the God of all comfort:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

⁸ We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,^[a] about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. ¹⁰ He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, ¹¹ as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 

                                                                                   - 2 Corinthians 1:3-11

It is still very scary for me, the family, and my Dad. I truly covet your prayers. That Dad would be comforted. That he would have peace, rest, and hope. Pray too for my family, that they would also be comforted and have peace, rest, and hope.

Most of all, pray for healing. That my Dad would be healed.

I'm so thankful for the people that let me know they are thinking of and praying for me, and say they are here for me if there is anything I need. We are definitely on a cancer journey... My prayer is that people would come to know Jesus, who is our only hope in and through this. He is the only reason I'm able to cope with the things of this world. Praying for all to meet my Jesus, and have life to the fullest... so they too would be able to conquer and overcome sin and death and cancer.

Be still, my soul; there is a healer.

The thief.

October 10th, 2012

I went to the Spread Truth banquet last night. One word. Amazing.

I love how intimate and personal God get's with us, His children. His Word is definitely alive and active. The Holy Spirit is moving mightily on our behalf. #freshwindfreshfire

I am overwhelmed with thankfulness to God my Father for His pursuit of my heart and the way He comes to rescue me. He has used Spread Truth and Jim Cymbala to speak to me and open the eyes of my heart to give me wisdom and revelation. I'm thankful for people and the introduction to new people, and for the way God knits lives together. My words will run out if I try to describe how thankful I am for the people I have in this season of my life. What a beautiful God. Words are pale.

I'm thankful that God willed for me to go to New York through Spread Truth. But the life changing transformation started before I even got on the plane. It started on June 25th & 27th when I attended Spread Truth Story training and heard Jerry McCorkle share the beauty of the Story, the beauty of the Gospel, and the beauty of how my story fits into God's story.

My favorite thing Jerry talked about was the garden of Eden. I love how God works. When He is teaching me something.... He makes it obvious because He knows I have the faith of a mustard seed.  He will usually use His word, and a few other people to make it clear to me. I love when what God is speaking to me when I'm alone in my heart... gets confirmed over and over again afterwards by other people and Scripture. A friend recently told me that is called "multi media messages."

My obsession with the garden of Eden started when Mike preached on Eve for the Leading Ladies sermon series on June 24th. How cool is it that the very next day I would hear more about the garden through Jerry! Another tool God is using is the Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd Jones. "The Terrible Lie" starts on page 28. Get it and read it ASAP! I bought that book the day I got home from the Spread Truth training. I fell in love with the idea that "Every story whispers His name" and "God loves His children so much He comes to rescue them." There is a reason why Nicki Green can't read that book without crying... Because in Genesis 3:15 Jesus' name is first whispered, and God loved us so much that He wrote Himself into the Story to rescue us. Promise made. Promise kept. #donzo #itisfinished

God has really spoken to me through the story of the garden of Eden about my own life and the schemes of satan. There is a reason why Jesus took Cleopas back to the beginning on the road to Emmaus, to explain what was said in all the Scripture concerning Himself. Because God's story, the Bible, is all about Jesus, every story whispers His name. I pray that my eyes would be opened and I would be able to recognize Jesus more and more. I don't want Jesus to call me foolish because I am slow to believe all that the prophets have spoken. "Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things to enter his glory?" (Luke 24)

Spread Truth has been God's tool in my life of helping me understand The Story. The big Story. The greatest Story in the whole wide world! The Story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them.

I find 2 lies/tricks/deceptions in Genesis 3 that satan used on Adam and Eve and He continues to use in my life on a daily basis, and in yours too, I'm sure. "Did God really say that?" And "Does God really love you?" Satan doesn't want us to believe and trust God, and He doesn't want us to know how much God loves us.

Profound. Take a moment to think about how satan has used those lies and tricks in your life.

I have written about 15 blogs in the last 3 months, but I haven't published any of them. I've been in a season of condemnation, a season of paralysis because my gospel has been off-centered. I can't explain it very well... but I can blame satan, and blame myself for believing His lies. The truth is... I am sinful, just like Eve. That is the problem. That's why. I have a sin problem. The Bible says "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)" And "No one is righteous, not even one. (Romans 3:10)"

But God.

But God loves His children and comes to rescue them. And His name is Jesus.

Satan is tricky. But greater is HE that is IN YOU than he that is in this world. You see, the Holy Spirit is our Helper that Jesus sent to us. He does it all!!!! He has done it all. He initiates. He loved us first. He draws us to Himself. He gives us wisdom and revelation! Praise God!

Last night Jim Cymbala talked about the thief. John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He focused on the first part though- how the thief comes to steal. We are all New Yorkers in the fact that satan is always trying to steal from us. Satan doesn't want your things... He is a spiritual being. He wants to stop us from advancing the kingdom of God. He doesn't want us to go and make disciples like Jesus commissioned us to do. How does he do that? By stealing your first love, Jesus. By stealing your calling. But Jesus has come to recover your stolen property.

Satan has robbed me of my confidence, my voice, my identity, and my calling. How? By getting me to doubt what God said to me. By tricking me to not understand God's great love for me. By deceiving me so that I don't beleive God is trustworthy, and making me think I can be happy apart from God.

The WALK study at church has been a blessing from God. I praise God for this adversity I have been facing because it is growing me. The trials, testing, and temptations are hard and painful but God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. He is always working for my good and His glory. Always.

Satan is the father of lies. He has tricked me pretty good lately, getting me to keep my mouth shut about the good news of the grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am so selfish in my flesh. I make it all about me. Satan tempts me to do that. Then he condemns.

So here is what happened: Someone told me I was a good writer. It freaked me out. A bunch of people read my last blog and commented on it. I was convicted about my motives. I was writing so people would know me, and then accept me and love me. My blog was an attempt at self-salvation. I wanted to be a good writer and I wanted it to give me value. I wanted to use it as a way of making myself higher, to get more love from people. The same is true about my facebook. That sin and those fleshly desires were brought into the light by the Spirit and the power of the gospel. I saw my sin for what it really was. And it was ugly. Then satan condemned. I deleted my facebook. I began a "social cleanse" and withdrew from almost everyone and everything for a few weeks. I couldn't speak. I hated myself. The thief was silencing me. He was stealing a gift God gave me and a calling He had for me. The thief comes only to steal...

The WALK study and my House group eventually forced me to come out of hiding. It was time. Satan loves to take our gifts and shift them just a little bit to make them about our glory and not God's. But God's gifts aren't for us. They were given to us to serve other people and glorify God. They were given to us to use for the purposes that God prepared in advance for us to do.

The Gospel IS power. And when it is preached, in transforms lives. It is transforming mine.

I couldn't write because I was too ugly and had impure motives. I felt pressure to be a good writer. I wanted to impress people and earn their love. I ended up writing but nothing was good enough to publish. Nothing was worthy. I wasn't worthy.
But God is alive! He spoke to me about my blog. Satan came to steal my gift and steal my voice and steal my blog and steal my calling.

Here is what I realized. It is not about me. At all. In any way. I deserve nothing but death on a cross and eternity in hell. But God has given me gifts for His glory and His purpose! I use to like to write because I wanted people to know me and love me. Something has changed. Now I want to write because God is moving in me and I want to share the good news. I want to spread the truth. I can't keep it in! I will not be silent anymore. It use to be about me. But now I just want to obey God and use the gifts He has given me for His kingdom and His purpose. Apparently writing out my thoughts is a calling. I'm not doing it to get acceptance... I am writing from a place of already being totally accepted. I just want to speak Truth because that is what I am called to do.

If I ever write anything good, it is absolutely not me. I have nothing good to say. I have no wisdom. But sometimes when I quiet myself, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams... and I get real close to God. Real close to His word and His children... I can hear His voice. Sometimes these thoughts just start to spin in my head and get impressed on my heart and they are usually inspired by the Word or people.... Which is how God speaks... then I just have to write them out! I'm sure satan doens't want me to share them because they are from God.

The valley I was in was painful. I will eventually edit and publish the blogs I wrote during that pit. They are so raw I'm scared of what people will think. But God has grown me so much in the last few weeks as I mourned and drew close to Him. It sucks when our idols are revealed and begin to be uprooted. But I must decrease so that He can increase.

If I ever write anything good... it will be because it is from God. Inspiried by God. I'm glad I realized this. Yesterday Jim Cymbala was talking about His wife Carol and how she leads the best choir in the whole wide world, yet she doesn't even know how to read music!

How can this be???

God.

This is how God works. He makes foolish the wisdom of the world. He uses weak things to shame the strong. He sent Jesus to save the world as a baby and then hung him on a cross. He calls fisherman. He uses foolish tools in the hands of weak people. It has nothing to do with me. I am literally NOTHING apart from God. And I can do nothing apart from Him.

I thank God for revealing this Truth to my soul. Now when I write... I'm not thinking about what people will think about me. I'm not wondering if this will make people love me. Or accept me. I'm not doing it for me anymore.

Now that I am getting out of the way... I am making room for God to work, if He wants to.

So I will go where he wants me to go and say what he wants me to say and I will walk in the dust of my Rabbi Jesus. And I will pray for His Spirit and that He would give me the words to say. I am thankful for the Gospel and discipleship, more than anything in this world! To be in line with the gospel and in step with the spirit is my goal, and I am thankful that the Holy Spirit is doing the work in me to accomplish that.

So, I'm thankful for Jim Cymbala. For how God spoke through Him into my heart. He is just a regular guy, but He is anointed!!!! Spread Truth is just another ministry, another method... but it is ANOINTED! Both have changed my life in such monumental ways, because God is with them.

God is so good. He has come so that we may have life abundantly. He is always at work for our good, and His glory. Always. Jesus has come so that we may have life, and have it to the full.

I'll go with you. #sayyes

I went to New York with Spread Truth, to share the story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them. View the Story. 

One of the first people we talked to when we got to New York City said, "This is divine, this is how God works." His name is Shaun. And he is right! That is when I had this revelation.

"This is how God works..." #divine

It was almost exactly a year ago, July 14th, 2011, when I told Nicki Green that I needed someone to help me with my life. God would end up using her to show me His pursuing love. But it started even before that with her sister, Katie, when I was in high school. And actually it started even sooner than that when Chad Monahan gave me the greatest gift a person could receive- an introduction to the God who loves them. You see, we all need rescued. God knows that and comes to save us! And it actually started way before my story ever even began.


I'm sure you know the The Story... God's story.... the Gospel... The Story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them.

In the beginning, God created everything to be perfect. No sickness, sadness, disease, etc... Adam and Eve were the first humans. There was perfect harmony in the garden of Eden.

One thing I know is that we are all longing for what Adam and Eve had in Eden. We know what harmony is because we experience disharmony every day. Because of the fall. Because of sin.

Unfortunately God has an enemy. Adam and Eve had one rule- one test of obedience. The serpent pursuaded and deceived Eve. Satan made Eve believe she could live independently of God and be happy. When she believed satan's lie and rebelled against God and ate the fruit from the forbidden tree, sin entered her heart and the world. Adam too. Everything was flawed. Everything was ruined.

Don't be mad at Eve, you would have done the same thing. We are all deceived by satan. We all have fallen short. No one is righteous, not one. We have all rebelled. We are all enemies of God. We are all guilty. All have sinned. We are needy. The world is full of the consequences of the sin that took place in the garden of Eden, and every day since then. The world and everything in it is broken.

And this is where we get eveangelism.

"But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?'"

God was pursuing Adam and Eve. God was pursuing His children.

I have come to truly relate with Eve. Satan's schemes haven't changed! He deceives you then condemns you. Fear, guilt, and shame plagued Adam and Eve so when they heard God coming they were scared and hid. That is the same thing I do. Satan always reminds me that I'm naked. I wear lots of figleaves.

God declared right there in the Garden of Eden in Genesis 3:15 that he would send a remedy to bruise the head of the serpent. God had a rescue plan. #hisnameisJesus

God looked into the world that He created and loving us, He sees our need for rescue. So He wrote Himself in as Jesus Christ who died on a cross to save us. #goodnews

God works the same way today as He did in the beginning, in the garden. He pursues us. Chases us. Asks "Where are you?"

God is on a relentless pursuit of His lost children. And He sent His son Jesus to rescue them. And He now sends His disciples to be fishers of men and snatch others from the fire. That is how God works. He orchestrates and ordains divine appointments.

This is where we get the great commission. To go and make disciples means to share God's love. To be a vessel of God's love. His pursuing love. Because God wills for all to come to a knowledge and understanding of Him. God wants everyone to have the gift of eternal life. This is where we get to participate in God's story. To be willing and available to be used, to be seeds, and to be shovels. #letsdig

I thank God every day for saving me, and for rescuing me at such a young age. God pursued me when I was 13. And I didn't know it at the time but my entire childhood God was protecting me and preparing me for what He had planned for me! I didn't do anything to earn it or deserve it. It truly was a free gift that would forever change my life. God sent people into my life to share His unconditional love and total acceptance with me. It's beautiful how God manifests His glory in people through the Spirit to reveal His son and overflow His love to His children. God has overwhelmingly blessed me with people like that. About a year ago God would send me an amazing "Paul" to disciple me and help Christ to be formed in me. It already has and continues to change my life. One word=discipleship.

"Follow me as I follow Christ..." That right there, is why I went to New York. I was following as closely as possible in the dust of my rabbi. Following Nicki, following Jesus.

Nicki always says, "This is how God works in my life all of the time!"
Before we went to New York, we practiced sharing the gospel at ISU. Nicki and Missie were able to share their story of God's pursuit of Missie through Nicki. God loved Missie so much he sent His workers to share His love with her. And instead of going to prison she went on a mission trip. God is so good. Awesome story. But it is just a part of a much bigger story. So is mine. So is yours.


When I was talking to people in New York I made sure to tell them God was pursuing them. I was asking people "Where are you?" for God. I made sure to tell them "God loves you so much he sent his son Jesus to die for you and He is pursuing a relationship with you right now." I told some people that I came all the way from Illinois to New York to talk to them- that I had been praying for them- and that God wanted me to talk to them and share His love with them. I told some young boys that the only reason I was talking to them was because God loved them and wanted them to know it. I was trying to give them the greatest gift I ever received, (besides my salvation), -- an introduction to the God who loves them.

People thought I was foolish and crazy. I talked to blind and deaf people, literally but mostly metaphorically. Their hearts are hardened and they have been decieved. New York is full of people who are longing for Eden and they don't even know it. They need rescued. Seeing their false saviors broke my heart. I wish they knew my Jesus. I will pray. Holy Spirit move.

"It's dark out there. But we don't have a darkness problem, we have a light problem." -Brooklyn Tab

God reveals his love for people by pursuing them. The work of God can only be carried on by the power of God. God has never lacked the power to work through available people to glorify His name. The beautiful thing is that he lets us participate in His mission- all we have to do is make ourselves available and be willing to say yes when he calls. I can't believe I said yes to New York. I honestly will follow Nicki anywhere because I have never had any desire to go to New York. She is the best person to follow because she believes God to do the impossible, she is always willing and available and says yes, and sees God move mightily on our behalf all the time-- it's how God works in her life.

While we were there we heard one of the most amazing sermons ever. God spoke to me through it. (And I'm not the only one-- which makes it very special.) And His word to me was grounded in countless promises repeated in the Scriptures. I wantd to share parts of it with you.


In 1 Samuel 26 David asked Ahimilech and Abishai, "who will go with me?" Ahimilech was silent and kept his mouth shut, but Abishai said, "I'll go with you." The enemy wants to keep us quiet. He whispers doubt and discouragement to keep us paralyzed in fear. But some people are crazy enough to do anything, because they believe God is who He says He is, and can do what He says He can do. Abashai said yes, and was used by God, and witnessed a miracle, and has a story to tell now. In 1 Chronicles 11 David talks about his three mighty warriors. Then it says, Abishai the brother of Joab was chief of the Three. He raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed, and so he became as famous as the Three. He was doubly honored above the Three and became their commander, even though he was not included among them.

Even though everything inside of Abishai was telling him to be quiet, he said yes. He did something that needed for God to show up. His faith and obedience set the stage for God's power and miracles. "You will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses." Acts 1:8

So I pray that God would kill the Ahimilech spirit in me and I would be able to hear the Holy Spirit whisper even though satan is screaming. I pray to say yes when God calls. I pray to be a fearless witness with my mouth, and that I wouldn't let satan keep it closed anymore. I pray I would be willing to do anything for God.

"After they prayed, they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." John 17:31

Speak the truth in love- fearlessly. God uses foolish tools in the hands of weak people to build His kingdom. Backed by prayer and His power, we can accomplish the unthinkable. God desperately wants you to come to Him. He chases you. Tries to hem you in. Tries to get your attention. His love and passion for you is so real. He wants everyone to come to a knowledge of the truth. #freshwindfreshfire

My trip to New York was great! I got to share the gospel and pray for a ton of people. I had a few encounters in Central Park that have made me fearless. I loved being able to share the gospel in sign language. And in Spanish. God loves using weak people. Because habla un poco espanol. lol

I really loved worshipping at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. And I loved attending their prayer meeting. One thing I was convicted of and have come to understand more is the power of the Spirit and of prayer. Only Jesus saves people. When I prayed for people I just met, or people I didn't even know on a prayer card- I believed that God could do impossible, immeasurable things. When I shared the gospel with people- I did not feel confident in what I was saying- but I was confident that God brought me to that person for a reason. God loves His children, and is trying to rescue them. Even the weak, foolish, lowly, least-likely sinners.

The best part about my trip is how I feel now that I am home. Spread Truth trained me and prepared me to be a more dangerous witness here in Bloomington/Normal. I don't think I will have any encounters like the ones I did in New York- but if I do I will not be afraid, because I understand better now what evangelism is all about. Prayer, seeds, ditches, the Spirit, and only Jesus saves. And I am up for the challenge of making disciples. New York gave me eyes for the lost and a heart that is burdened for them. God's word has given me a sense of calling. And the Spirit is moving me.

I just want everyone to have what I have. The people in New York are so lost. They are wandering and searching and blind to what they are looking for. So are people here in Bloomington/Normal. All over the world. They may find some good idols to save them for a while- but they need the good shepherd, the one true savior. I just want everyone to have my Jesus. I want them to experience rescue like I have. Because it was for freedom that Christ set us free, and Jesus came to give us life and life to the fullest. I just want to share the love that has saved my life. I pray that I would do it fearlessly no matter where I am, as I should.

I'll go with you.

I will not be silent. 

I despaired at the thought that my life might slip by without seeing God show himself mightily on our behalf. 

Believe God to do the impossible. 


Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit.

Let's pray.

Lessons from Peter.

I love hearing one of my friends talk about how God works, and how often she sees Him moving mightily all around her, on a constant and continual, daily basis. I loved even more being with her when it happened, having a front row seat to divine appointments and God's relentless pursuit of His children.  I was amazed at the power of the Holy Spirit that was moving in and through her. She was/is so sensitive to the Spirit. She is anointed.

I wanted that. 

I was hungry for it. 

I was reading about it in God's word.

I started seeking it. 

God's word says "Seek and you will find," and He who has promised IS faithful. 

I realized my inadequacies. My greatest days and best moments are filthy rags. I started desperately seeking the Holy Spirit because I knew I could do absolutely nothing without Him. I knew I wasn't able. But I read that God is able. I was convicted to be available to be used by God. Who am I that God would let me participate in His work? Who am I that God is mindful of me? It's crazy how much God loves us!!! But this is why He sent His son Jesus to die for us- to show us His great love for us, to rescue us, so we could experience our adoption as His sons and daughters. 

What I was feeling inside and seeing around me wasn't matching up with what I was reading in God's word. I wanted more. I wanted to experience the love of God. I wanted miracles. I wanted to witness God moving in mighty ways just like I was reading all throughout the Bible and just like my friend was sharing how she knew God was real and alive in her life. 

I wanted that so bad.

But I'm weak. I am totally inadequate. Am nothing, have nothing, can do nothing. Recently I've been very discouraged with myself and am so insecure, lacking confidence. I'm convicted because what I think and feel isn't lining up with God's word and what He says about me. I know it is the schemes of satan. He is working the same way he worked in the beginning, in the garden, in Genesis 3. He deceives. He speaks lies. He speaks death. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy. He is good at it. Unfortunately he has been successful in my life too many times!

God spoke to me about this today.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved. Hebrews 10:35-39

So I will rebuke satan in the name of Jesus. And I will speak to my mountains and they will become level ground. And not by might nor by power, but by God's Spirit.

The word of God is definitely alive and active. So much proof. God is so cool.

I was encouraged. Yet, later in the evening I was discouraged again. Satan snuck into my mind through   an issue and I immediately started condemning myself. Lies flooded my mind. Call me dory- I forgot what God had spoken just earlier that day. Stupid sheep. But I had really messed up. I had really sinned. Really functioned like the old Laura, in old ways and old patterns. I was weak. My weakness was revealed. I felt shame. I wanted to run and hide. Call me eve. Give me some fig leaves. 

Really tried to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ- but let's face it- this is my biggest struggle. I was hating myself. Negative thoughts plagued me once again. Yet, I was so excited and focused on New York. So started reading Fresh Wind Fresh Fire:

That evening, when I was at my lowest, confounded by obstacles, bewildered by the darkness that surrounded us, unable even to continue preaching, I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit how desperately they need him. Our weakness, in fact, makes room for His power.  

Jesus called fisherman, not graduates or rabbinical schools. 

I despaired at the thought that my life might slip by without seeing God show himself mightily on our behalf. 

 I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 1 where God says he chooses foolish, weak, lowly things. That we should only boast in the Lord. It's hard to do that when you are reminded of your weaknesses and they are affecting relationships and people around you. God spoke yet again through His word:

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. 
Therefore, in order to keep my from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 11:30 & 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

So how do we boast only in the Lord? By boasting in our weaknesses. It seems foolish to praise God for your thorn, for the issue you have had since high school, for the torment that Satan causes me.... It is foolish! But that is the way God works! He uses foolish things. Weak things. Lowly things. And what satan meant to steal, kill, and destroy me, God will use for my good, His glory, to save the lives of many!!!! Wow.

And about New York... I am excited to go. God has been speaking to me so much and I am feeling so called. It's scary. I naturally want to shrink back because of the lies of satan that I'm believing. But I thank God for that thorn, for my weakness-- so I can depend more on God's love and the finished work of Jesus.

God's word confirms our calling:

I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said 'You are my servant; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.' Isaiah 41:9 

They will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted. Isaiah 63:12 

The word of the Lord came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.""Alas, Sovereign Lord,"I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am too young."But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am too young.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant." Jeremiah 1:4-10

So I am going to read Fresh Wind Fresh Fire and pray to be filled with the Holy Spirit. And I am going to believe God to do the impossible on our trip. And I am not going to shrink back. I will go to whoever God tells me to and say whatever God tells me to.

I am going to step out of the boat. I believe I can walk on water in Christ Jesus. Not because I can, but because God can. And I pray that I don't make the same mistake Peter made by focusing on himself, doubting himself, and sinking. But that when I feel weak, or it is obvious that I'm weak and unable, incapable, and inadequate... I would boast in that so that Christ's power may be revealed and the glory of God would manifest itself in me.

I don't want to sink and I don't want to shrink.

I want everyone to know about the relentless pursuit of a loving Father, who seeks us, pursues us, calls out "where are you?" And sends himself to rescue us. We are no longer abandoned or unworthy, but we are called, holy, royal, sought after and no longer deserted. Chosen and not rejected. I'm excited to share that with people in New York, because that is what saved my life, and that is what continues to save me every single day.

And I will let you know what happens when God's Spirit invades the hearts of His people....

New York.

God spoke to me through Zechariah today. The first 4 chapters are so amazing!  Here are some things the Lord said in Zechariah:

Return to me and I will return to you.
I am very jealous for Jerusalem and Zion.
And I myself will be a wall of fire around it, and I will be its glory within.
I am coming and I will live among you.
The Lord rebuke you, satan!
Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit.
What are you, mighty mountain? Before Zerubbabel you will become level ground.
These are the two who are anointed to serve the Lord of all the earth.

What caught my attention was when the Lord said that these are the two who are anointed to serve the Lord... It made me think of a partnership in the Gospel, like Jesus and His disciples, like Paul and Timothy. Like Zechariah and Haggai. Like Zerubbabel and Joshua.

Zechariah 4:11-14

The I asked the angel, "What are these two olive trees on the right and the left of the lampstand?" Again I asked him, "What are these two olive branches beside the two gold pipes that pour out golden oil?" He replied, "Do you not know what these are?" "No my lord," I said. So he said, "These are the two who are anointed to serve the Lord of all the earth."

I googled what this passage meant.

The olive trees/branches were pouring oil into the lampstand, empowering it to give it light. The candle/lamp represents the church. The trees represent evangelists or ministers that are serving God, doing God's work, digging, building, in His name, and at His command. Basically the two trees are people who have christ in them, and they are casting light to those in the house- in the church, edifying the body in love.

The two branches are anointed ones- received direction from the Lord- empty themselves into the bowl/church/light to keep the lamp burning. The branches are God's workers.

God doesn't need us though. He could keep his lamp burning without us, but He wants us to participate in His work, but it is not by strength nor might, but by His power. That is what anointed means- Spirit in you.

I have been dilegently seeking and praying to be filled with the Holy Spirit, to be led and guided by the spirit, sensitive to the Spirit, in step with the Spirit, etc... so I think that is why I was drawn to this story.

The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. -Matthew 26:41

Not by might, not by strength, but by my Spirit. -Zechariah 4:6

I began to read and learn about Zechariah and Haggai, who I had never paid much attention to. But I was immediately encouraged by their stories. And I loved learning about Zerubbabel and Joshua. Zechariah had a vision for Zerubbabel.

Zerubbabel was building the house of the Lord. Rebuilding it actually. And what did he have in his hand? A shovel. All he could do is dig ditches. Be an instrument. God again chooses the weak and unlikely. And He calls them to bring about great things. Like a tree from a mustard seed.

Sometimes we need to lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus. Nothing of works; it's all about grace. Our callings are just what God has graced us to do.

I was really encouraged by Zerubbabel who tapped into the best power source possible, the Holy Spirit, and He empowered Him to face the impossible, insurmountable, discouraging situations that he wouldn't have been able to handle on his own.

Zerubbabel had a mountain in front of Him, and Zechariah said, "What are you, mighty mountain?" He was talking to the mountain.

The mountain represents anything that is insurmountable. Anything that seems impossible. The mountain is discouragement.

I've recently been very discouraged and felt defeated and unable to face my mountains. I wanted to shrink back. Satan deceives and lies and the mountains speak discouragement. But here I see Zechariah speaking back to the mountain. He says the mountain will become level ground.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. Acts 1:8

As it is written in the book of the words of Isaiah the prophet:
"A voice of one calling in the wilderness, 'Prepare the way for the Lord, make straight paths for Him. Every valley shall be filled in, every mountain and hill made low. The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth. And all people will see God's salvation.'" Luke 3:4-6

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Luke 11:23-24

So we need to speak to the mountain of defeat and discouragement. We need to fight.

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

When I share my testimony I usually use this verse... but it has recently become so much more to me. The Spirit has made it powerful, because it is not by my strength, not by my might, but by the Spirit of God.

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from the darkenss for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vendeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn
and provide for those who grieve in Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

This along with Genesis 50:20 has become my life verse because it takes my old life, my adversity, and turns it into my minstry, my calling, and how God worked all things together for my good, for His glory, to save the lives of many. It makes manifest the glory of God in my life. I have recently started believing that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me. I don't know about being anointed- but I know the Spirit lives in me. And I want to proclaim good news, the Gospel, to the poor. I want to comfort the brokenhearted with the comfort I have been given because of my broken heart. I want people to understand that it is for freedom that Christ set us free, and they don't need to be burdened by a yoke of slavery, prisoners of the law. In Christ, we are new creations. He turns ashes into beuty. And the oil of joy- is His Spirit, His anointing in us so we can be righteous in Christ. And it's not our works. It's all grace. So God gets all the glory.

In college I use to always tell my friends "don't buy the lies!"

It may be discouragement, sickness, family strife, dysfunction, insecurity, intimidation, caparison, fear... Name the mountain and speak to it in Jesus' name! Declare the Word of the Lord over it. We are more than conquerers, we are overcomers, so we can defeat the mountains and obstacles that we are faced with.

GREATER is He that is in you than he that is in the world.
Mountains be leveled.
Not by might nor by power but by God's Spirit!

God specializes in the weak, the foolish, the small, the despised...

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the strong; God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things-- and the things that are not-- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God-- that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord."
1 Corinthians 1:27-29

What lies is the enemy telling you?

What dreams has God put in you? What is the impossible thing you are believing God for?

"not by might nor by power but BY MY SPIRIT says the Lord!"

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. 1 Peter 2:9-10

We have fresh oil. God is anointing us- ready to pour out His Spirit upon us to prepare us for service in His kingdom. We will do "greater works" than Jesus. Touch the sick and heal them. Bring hope and peace to the world- lift up the downtrodden and deliver the oil of gladness to the brokenhearted. Speak the words of life into a dying and dark world. New York.

We'll be a city on a hill burning brightly... Light to the world, shining Your glory. Send us in your power.

I can do nothing. #foolish #weak #lowly

I'm going to try to communicate what is going on in my head and in my heart the last few days... It has definitely been a battle. I want to comfort others with the comfort I've been given:

I'm overwhelmed by a relentless God.

God is in pursuit of His children.

My God is not dead... He's surely alive! 

My enemy the devil prowls like a lion looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8)

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. (John 10:10)

Satan intends to harm us. (Gen 50:20)

God ALWAYS works for our good and His glory. (Rom 8:28)

Satan is the father of lies.

The serpent deceived me. -Eve

What God says is Truth.
Jesus is the way, the truth, the life.

"Where are you?" -God (Pursuing us since the beginning.)

I was naked, felt shame, so I hid. -Adam & Eve
Who told you you were naked? -God

Satan needs to go sit on a tack!

Is it odd that one of my favorite chapters in the Bible is Genesis 3- which is entitled, "The Fall"? God has used the story of the Garden of Eden to really open my eyes and give me amazing revelation from His Spirit. I haven't heard Him audibly or anything, but He is speaking to me through His word. There is power in the name of Jesus. The Gospel is power.

I am not a fan of the schemes of satan. I've become very aware of them lately. Maybe that is why God's word has become so alive and active- because I am literally using it to replace the lies that are in the deepest part of my heart, and the new whipspers he speaks to me every day. Such a battle. I take comfort in knowing that greater is He that is in me than he that is in this world. In Christ, we are MORE THAN CONQUERERS! I must take EVERY though captive, surrender it, and make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

I'm leaving for New York on Saturday and it's funny how satan really starts working more as he is being threatened. I am having the same mental battle I have been having my whole life. Apparently. It's actually the same battle Eve had in the Garden of Eden. The same battle all humans have when they are tempted with fruit that makes us think we will be like God, have wisdom, be able to save ourselves... Ultimately, believing satan's lies as truth.

So here is my wisdom and revelation from the Holy Spirit:

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

The Gospel has humbled me into the dirt. I really suck. I'm a sheep. And God knows it. (I just finished reading "A Shepherd looks at Psalm 23"-- highly recommended.) Here is the cool thing though... God truly is our Good Shepherd. He is a perfect Father. If we remain in Him.... we can do all things, and NOTHING is impossible!!!

It's good to realize your need, because only the sick need a doctor. I really struggle with hating myself and negative thinking. I really suck. I am a mess. I'm a sheep. I fall and fall again into believing satan's lies. And he will use anything to get me to doubt myself and to feel bad, and negative and shrink back into my old way, my old identity.

Even the Apostle Paul was a stupid sheep.... With a thorn in His flesh. But he delighted in weakness, because when we are weak, then we are strong. Even Paul did what he didn't want to do, and didn't do what he wanted to do. We all suck. We are all East of Eden. We are all deceived by satan the serpent, the father of lies, who is constantly prowling like a lion trying to devour us, harm us, steal, kill and destroy us.

But GREATER is He that is in us. The Holy Spirit dwells in us. Jesus told his disciples before He left this earth that they were going to get something greater than Him, His Holy Spirit- who would become their counselor. Who would intercede for them.

Don't forget about the Holy Spirit that lives in you. I've been asking God to fill me with His Holy Spirit daily. I have been praying without ceasing to be sensitive to Him, and led by Him. He raised Jesus from the dead and rescued the world with His sacrificial love. The Spirit enabled Jesus to be perfect. And He enables us to be like Jesus, to be a new creation, to be alive. Amen. That's good news.

I mentioned earlier that we are all East of Eden. We don't have harmony. We won't until Jesus comes back. So while we are here, while we are stupid sucky sheep, we need to remain in Christ.

I have been learning a lot about who God chose in the Bible. Jesus chose fisherman, tax collectors, prostitutes, sinners. Of whom I am the worst. I have been extrememly challenged, encouraged, inspired, and convicted by 1 Corinthians 1. You will read it later below.
I am willing and available to God. And I have realized I am completely inadequate, unable, incapable, unqualified, etc, to do anything. At the same time... I am feeling called. Called to follow Jesus, called to go and make disciples, called to have the mind of Christ, called to believe God. Now I have NO idea what that means or looks like. But I have a sticky note on my desk at work that says "Pray for Vision." So that's what I'm doing. Praying. And remaining in the vine. I cannot bear any fruit apart from Jesus.

Another thing God is speaking to me is to accept His gift, and receive His love. God loves His children and pursues us, and what He wants more than anything is to have a relationship with us. Wow. God loves me so much He also wants to allow me to participate in His story. In His work. Even though I can do nothing, I am nothing, I have nothing. It is difficult to believe you truly are as low as ashes.... but then experience unconditional perfect love and believe God when he says you can do all things. At the same time? This is how we recognize when our Gospel is not in the center. (Profound. Thank you Galations.)

Satan really wants me to focus on myself, my strength, my talent, my wisdom, my abilities, my power, my influence, myself...  Because if I do, I will not have any confidence, I will be insecure, and I will fail. I will doubt and I will sink. Call me Peter. Stupid sheep. But God doesn't want me to stop there. He wants me to know the Gospel. And have it at the center. He wants my identity to be in Christ. He knows I am weak and He wants me to access the Power I have through Christ and become strong. That is what "for when I am weak then I am strong" means.

In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. One of the best books I have ever read!!!! God LOVES impossible situations. He likes to make it clear that we can't do it. Because when we believe in Him, believe Him, then take a step of faith despite the impossibility.... and a miracle happens... He wants us to know it was all Him, and give Him all the Glory. This is the way God saved the world. His name is Jesus. Okay here is 1 Corinthians 1:

Christ Crucified Is God's Power and Wisdom

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."
Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified; a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of GOd. For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things-- and the things that are not-- to nulify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God-- that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.

Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly. Write and hide it in your heart.

Nothing is too big for God.

Nothing is impossible for God.

He who promised is faithful.

We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

DON'T let mental lions keep you from experiencing everything God has to offer. Be a lion chaser!

Adversity to ministry. What seemed like a setback turned into a stepping stone.

Be strong and courageous (In Jesus); Do not be afraid. Be fearless. God is with you! Holy Spirit is in you!

NO PROBLEM=NO MIRACLE!!! Believe God to do the impossible in your life. Audacious faith. Ridiculous prayers. With God all things are possible. Proof... Every single story in the Bible. His name is Jesus.

Yesterday I was really encouraged by a couple "divine appointments" and an amazing sermon that God spoke at Eastview. The first thing is to pray in the name of Jesus and rebuke satan. Prayer is powerful. And we have full access to the Spirit of God that lives in us!!! The second thing is to have grace on yourself for your thorns, generational sin, and mistaken beliefs that you haven't unlearned yet. We are all works in progress. And it's not about us. It's not about me. It's not about what I can do. I don't want to let myself get in the way of God's calling on my life. "Are you focusing on God's promises or your limitations? (Mike Baker)" I'm thankful to have a Paul in my life that can constantly remind me that all I can do is dig ditches and proclaim the name of Jesus Christ. That is definitely something I can do. I will let God keep his job I guess, and do what only He can do-- bring the rain, make the sun stand still, and do the impossible things in my life and yours.

So I leave for New York on Saturday. I'm anxious and afraid and naturally want to shrink back and remain chained and in bondage paralyzed with insecurity.... but I'm going to pray for the Holy Spirit to do His work. And I'm going to choose to believe the truth- which is what God says. And I'm going to try and chase this lion. And I'm thankful that God uses my setbacks as stepping stones, to bring me closer to Him. Praise God through adversity.

And I'm going to finish another book today! Will be my 4th book this year since Jan. #newyearsresolutionbaby    :-)



Steven Furtick: (From His sermon at the Hillsong conference)

Using the life of Jeremiah.God called Jeremiah and Jeremiah felt inadequate.

The Call of Jeremiah

The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. ”

“Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

We are NEVER really ready to follow God's calling for our lives. And that is OKAY! Looking at the people God used throughout the Bible, God doesn't call any of us to be ready- He calls us ONLY to be obedient and follow Him.

Abraham wasn't ready because he was too old.
Moses wasn't ready to lead God's people out of the wilderness.
The disciples were never ready! They never got it! When they were ready they started to doubt because their faith was in their readiness.

Jesus said to the disciples in Mark 8:14-21 "Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes to see and ears to hear?" Jesus wasn't talking about our preparation- you will never be ready but He is with you!!!

Fresh Wind Fresh Fire. "I despaired at the thought that my life might slip by without God moving greatly on our behalf."

God doesn't call me to feel ready. He calls me to follow Him. Step out. Have faith. Move forward. Next step. God's word is a lamp unto my feet and a light onto my faith. Step by step.

God is more interested in your full obedience than your full understanding. You're never really ready. And that's OKAY!!!!

God doesn't choose you in spite of being messed up... He chooses you because you are messed up.
Tell the devil what God says about you. He attacks your confidence. Tell him what your Father says. Talk back to your thoughts.

I don't have to feel ready to be ready because I don't live by what I feel, I live by what God says. My father says I can, so I can. And my Father says I am, so I am. Receive your calling. Get out of the boat because your Father told you you could. God gave Peter 1 word= come. Could be stay, go, go to the land I will show you. Believe God.

Because you're never going to feel ready... get ready on the way. If you wait until you're ready... you will never do anything, go anywhere, accomplish anything.

God will tell you what to say. He is with you.

God doesn't call you to fully understand... He only calls you to fully obey.

Just hear His voice. "I am with you. I will rescue you. I will never leave you or forsake you. I am with you to deliver you. I am your strong sustainer. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Do not fear I am with you. I know you aren't ready but I have a plan and purpose. As messed up and awkward as you are... I made you that way on purpose so the supremacy of my power might not rest in how cool you are but in how great I am- because I'm God and I'm with you."

More forward in the strength of the ever-present God. Ever-present help in times of trouble. He is your guide. Psalm 23. The Lord is my shepherd.... means that I'm a sheep. Even if God gives you direction, you don't just need God to tell you what to do, you need Him to show you the way, and to come get you and lead you. God doesn't want to give you guidance, He wants to be your guide. God is with you He won't forsake you.

"I know you're with me. I know you're with me here. I know you're love will light the way."


(You should listen to the full sermon! "Never ready faith in our ever-present God" on Elevation Church's App or online!)

Longing for Eden.

Still trying to find my voice with the confidence of who I am in Christ. And experience freedom from the bondage of past experiences.

The Gospel has become more central to my identity through the Spirit powered process of discipleship.

The Gospel is power. My word for today is encounter. I have encountered God. Encountered the Gospel. Encountered His love. His beauty. The Spirit has given me revelation so I can know God better (Ephesians 1:17). Come to find out... It's not about me.  Now that my story is flowing from the centrality of God's story and my idols are being uprooted, I'm experiencing love and freedom in Christ because of the Spirit's work in me. I pray that we would all know the Gospel, not the "Gospel +/-" and learn how to preach the one true Gospel to ourselves. #itisfinished #hisnameisJesus #God'sStory



(Inspired by Spread Truth training and Mike Baker sermon at Eastview)

We all long for unconditional love, full acceptance, and purpose for our life. We are longing for the garden of Eden. Paradise. Perfect Harmony. The way God created and intended us to live.

Satan's schemes are the same now as they were in Eden.

Is God enough? Is Jesus enough? Do you trust God? What do you rely and depend on when things get hard? What do you use to cover your sin? Whatever you go to to give you love, meaning, acceptance, power, control, success.... That is your apple. Your idol. What is saving you today? Your job? Family? Spouse? Children? Money? Power? Control? Friends? What makes you acceptable?

I am eating the apple, too. I am trying to be God just like Eve.

Satan likes to whisper lies into our minds just like he did in the garden.... he likes to make us question God and get us to put our trust and faith and hope into something besides God. What apple is the enemy telling you will bring joy, peace, and hope? You don't need the apple God is enough.

We can't be naked anymore... we do not have the safety of Eden to be vulnerable because if people really knew us- they wouldn't love us. This is why we hide. It all started with some fig leaves.

I have lots of fig leaves. Defense mechanisms. DOCs. I do lots of things to cover up my shame, guilt, and fear... I do now want anyone to see me "naked" because if they did... they wouldn't love me. Because we are all sinners. We are not in Eden anymore.

God says, "Where are you?"

That is what He asked Adam and Eve and that is what He is asking me. And you. God is the only one who sees the depths of our heart and loves us the same. He has unconditional love and acceptance and he gives us purpose by letting us participate in His Story. It is all because of what Jesus did. He lived the life we should have lived and died the death we should have died. An unfair, but beautiful exchange. The blood of Jesus is enough. We are so wicked that nothing less than the death of the son of God could save us. We don't need to hide from God because of Jesus.

Out of Eve's sin would come consequences, death, dysfunction... but would also come life, the son of God, Jesus, our rescue, and eventual, a new heaven and a new earth. A new creation. Back to Eden.

What has been done to you or what have you done that has led to death? How is God using it for life? Satan meant it for evil but God will use it for good, for His glory.

The Holy Spirit through a wise friend and the spread truth training convicted me to see the bigger picture and not be so selfish. It's not about me. I pray the Gospel would become more central to my identity. I pray it would flow from the centrality of God's story.

I don't know how God could love a sinner like me. Let alone allow me to participate in His Story. I'm reminded that it is nothing about me that makes me worthy- it is all about Jesus. There is nothing I can do, nothing. Only Jesus saves. If I do what I can do, then God will do what only He can do. #letsdig

I'm obviously pretty passionate about thoughts hence my last blog post. What do you feel insecure about? That is where Satan has you in bondage. Place your security in God's hands, not satan's. The enemy wants us to shrink back and feel unworthy and not good enough and inadequate and like we don't have anything good to offer or share... But I am finding my voice. Because I am replacing those lies with the Truth about who I am in Christ. For example... I am an extrememly emotional, sensitive, lots of thoughts and feelings, passionate, caring, empathic person. Empathy is my strength accordin to strengths finder. Satan tries to take where we look the most like God, and convince us to believe lies so we lose our strength... and eat the apple. We were made in the image of God. My heart feels deeply just like God's does. If I can keep the Gospel centered and know that I can't save anyone, but use my passion and compassion for people to dig a ditch and point them to Jesus... How powerful is the wheel when it is not broken! How powerful is the gospel when we don't add to it. #gospelatthehub #gospelcentered #noothergospel

In conclusion... My hope is for the day when we are home... back in Eden where we belong. In perfect harmony with God and each other. I know what harmony is because I know what harmony is not. No more weeping, no more hurt or shame. No suffering. No more figleaves. No more jealousy, envy, striving, protecting, dysfunction, addiction, abuse, slavery, prostitution, prison, disease, etc. We are all longing for Eden, for God... and there is only one way... His name is Jesus. Go and make disciples. Dig ditches.

"Lord I'm available to you"

Lord I'm available to you.
My will I give to you.
I'll do what you say to.
Use me Lord.
To show someone the Way.
And enable me to say.
My storage is empty.
And I"m available to you.

• God has never called you to be able. He is able. Just be available.
• God does not call the qualified he qualifies the called.
• Here I am, all of me. My hands. My feet. My mouth. My mind. My heart. My will. My emotions.
• When You chose me, you knew I wasn't able or adequate. Only Jesus saves, and all the Glory goes to You.

***Jesus never went around leaking His father's love. Jesus stayed so full He was able to overflow God's love to everyone that he met that had a need that He could meet. You think you are loving people but what you are really doing is leaking. God doesn't want His love to leak out of your life cause you're broken and cracked. He wants His love to overflow from your life cause you're so full of His presence.

#inlinewiththegospel #instepwiththespirit

Take every thought captive.

There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves His children and comes to rescue them." Sally Llyod Jones: The Jesus Storybook Bible

I'm overwhelmed by a relentless God. He is after my heart. He wants to rescue me from the lies I am believing and the prison I am living in, even though the cell is unlocked and the shackels have been broken.

Long story short.... The Gospel is power.

Not that I am an expert in the Gospel... I have to preach it to myself every moment of every day... but I have become sensitive to what Paul refers to as "adding to the gospel" in Galations.

Recently... I was thrown into confusion. #spiritualwarfare

It happens often. #schemesofsatan

"I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel — which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ."                                                                                                                           Galations 1:6-7

I had a lot going on this last week... and I knew I was unable to get through it alone. I wanted to experience what is referred to as "the same power that conquered the grave"  living in me. Even though I was scared, I fixed my eyes on Jesus and stepped out of the boat.

However... Instead of focusing on Jesus... I focused on myself and began to doubt... and began to sink. #callmepeter

It was at that point that I started longing for something more. I began looking for what that something was...

One thing I know... God's word is true. And the Bible is alive and active! Mike's sermon was amazing yesterday at Eastview!

The story of Eve... Satan convinced Eve that Jesus wasn't enough. The same thing he tries to convince me of. The apple could represent our idols. Eve didn't trust God. She put her trust in a lie. #mistakenbeliefs

God has shattered my heart this week. For the Gospel, for Jesus, for His lost children, the lost sheep... And my Gospel was centered... and when the Gospel is the hub, the wheel works well. I was so excited to be participating in God's story. It's obvious the enemy felt threatened.

The devil definitely used people's words to get into my thoughts and bring confusion.

As I was searching and seeking... At first I was listening to sermons, then talking to people, reading books and articles on the internet.... I got even more confused. I started questioning everything. I even started to doubt things I have never doubted before. My mind was a mess.

But I am here to say that God is not dead. He's surely alive! He answered my prayer before I even prayed it!

As my thoughts continued to swirl down... I remembered to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Corinth 10:5). I'm thankful for God's word being written on my heart so when He speaks to me I will know His voice.

Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This "letter" is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts (2 Corinth 3:3).

I am the good Shepard. I know my sheep and my sheep know me. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me (John 10).

I ended up looking up at a verse I have in my cube. Other verses began to flood my mind. I opened my Bible and the Word of God spoke to my heart. I found the Truth. His name is Jesus. And at the exact moment I thought I didn't have the Spirit, He proved himself alive and active. God is so good.

Mondays are my favorite because I love listening to new Steven Furtick sermons during my lunch. God is cool. He allowed me to wander around a little bit then decided to woo me back to Him. Todays sermon was titled, "Toxic Thoughts." I smiled. How can I doubt God when He has been constantly and continuously revealing Himself in my life. He is relentless. I was reminded of the battle between good and evil this week though. I forgot about the full armor of God for a moment.

As I realzied God was proving Himself faithful and His promises true I was overwhelmed with the Spirit. I decided to stop to blog so I wouldn't forget the work God is doing in me. Even though the Spirit isn't working in and through me like I want Him too... doesn't mean He isn't in me and working there. It's obvious He is. A wise Paul reminded me that my ways are not God's ways... and my thoughts are not God's thoughts. I felt encouraged to just trust God... and to trust God with the secret things in life instead of trying to figure them out and find answers for them.... specifically for things like God's judgement, suicide, interpretion of the Bible, mental illness, addiction, different religion, where people are born and live, the part humans play, the part I play, etc....

I thank God for being gentle with me and for discipleship- which is the Spirit powered process of Christ being formed in me. I'm super thankful for my committed and loving Paul who gives me so much wisdom and guidance in the Gospel.

So.... I will just trust God. In all things. How He wills. What He wills. When He wills.




And here are my sermon notes on "Toxic Thoughts" from Craig Groeschel at Elevation Church:

Toxic thoughts and detoxifying our thought life...

• The whole time he was locked in the closet- the closet wasn't even locked.
• Because he believed a lie it radically limited what he was able to do.
• So many of us are believing the toxic lies of our spiritual enemy.  
• Because we are believing things that are not true, thinking on things that are not of God, we are dramatically limited and not doing all that God wants us to do.
• So many of life's battles are fought in the mind.
• Romans 7- why do I do what I don't want to do.
• Battle between spirit and flesh. Battle is decided in the mind.
• I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I don't know enough... #insecure
• I was believing in my own abilities or inabilities and not believing in the power and presence of God.
• I was believing in the limitations of my own life rather than the power of God.
• Toxic: Anything containing poisonous material capable of causing sickness or even death.
• Poisoning our own soul with toxic thoughts.
• It's the thought that counts.

1. Identify and reject toxic thoughts. With the help of the Spirit of God, try to identify specific negative toxic thoughts then with help of the Spirit we are going to reject them.
• Proverbs 4:23 "Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life."
• As a man thinks in his heart... so he is.
• 2 Corinthians 10:4 "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
• Prisoner locked by deception=greek word for stronghold.
• Our weapons have the power to unlock the prisoner who is believing the lies.
• 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
• Any thought that is not of God, we grab it- we are not it's prisoner, it becomes our prisoner and we shape it by the word of God and make it obedient to Christ.

Areas commonly giving into toxic thoughts

1. Negative thoughts
• I don't have what it takes. No matter how hard I try I can't do it. I can't do it all. No one appreciates me.
2. Fearful thoughts
• What if I lose my job? What if I never get married? What if I don't have kids? What if I can't trust this person. What's gonna happen to my kids? Irrational things... Worry/Fear...
3. Discontented thoughts
• I don't like my body. My appearance. Not attractive. Not happy unless dating. He isn't being good to me. I wish my husband was a better spiritual leader. Wish I had this in my life. Wish I had kids. If I had a bigger house. Different job. Not satisfied with where I am...
4. Critical thoughts
• I'd never do that. This place wouldn't work with out me. I don't like my staff. Critical spirit...

We've got to guard our thoughts! Carefully! If you want to find things to be fearful about, discontent about, negative about, critical about... it is very easy. You choose what you think about. You can find what you are looking for.

The battle is fought in the mind... you get to choose. You're gonna find what you're looking for. Look for something bad you can find it. See God working you can find it.

Identify and reject your toxic thoughts.

• Jeremiah 12:3 "Yet, You know me, O Lord; You see me and test my thoughts about you. Drag them off like sheep to be butchered! Set them apart for the day of slaughter!"
• If anything inconsistent with your character, with your heart, with your Truth, with you... drag these thoughts off like sheep to be butchered.
• Don't let my displeasing thoughts in my mind- I'm going to identify and reject those thoughts.

2. Replace Toxic thoughts with Truth.

• Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
• Phil 4:8 "Whatever is true and noble and right and lovely and admirable... if anything is excellent or praiseworthy we should think about such things."
• Bad translations
• I'm believing this... but it's inconsistent with God's word- I'm going to butcher that.
• Scripture says this is true so I'm going to think about this.
• Thinking God's word then you are living God's word
• Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, please, and perfect will."  
• Changed with the renewing of our mind as we take God's word in...
• Stop thinking lies and start thinking truth.
• Believe what God says and do what God says.
• Identify toxic thoughts. Recect them. Replace them.

**Don't be locked in the closet that Jesus has already unlocked. Open the door and do what God has called you to do. Don't you dare stay locked up in that prison.**

• I can't do it: No, You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.
• I'm not good enough. No God's word says you are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus go do what God has called you to do.
• I'm just used goods. No you are a new creation in Christ Jesus, Behold, all of that stuff is gone I have been made new. OPen the door. Go do it.
• God's never gonna heal me, I'm not able to lead through this, I'm stuck... No, scripture says all things are possible.
• I can't handle this. No, I can handle everything with the power of Christ.
• I'm never going to make a difference. No, I have been created and chosen, called by God on earth at this time to make a difference for His name.
• My boss is a jerk. I am the light of the world. And I am God's secret agent sent into the world to shine the light of Christ.
• I can never forgive them. No Christ is in me... I can forgive I choose to I will forgive. I will be a blessing.
• I'm lonely and miserable. No, I've got more time to serve God than other people and I will maximize my life for His glory.
• I can't get it all done. No, I have everything I need for life and Godliness. You have everything you need to do everything God has called you to do.

*Quit letting the lies of the enemy limit God's potential through you as you stay locked in the closet. Do not be conformed but be transformed by the renewing of your mind then you will be able to test and approve what is good.

*Don't you dare be locked up by lies in that prison. Jesus filled you with the spirit, identify the lie, replace it with the truth, think about good things, pure, lovely, open the door and do what God has called you to do.

I pray Your word would renew our minds with Your truth, I pray that we would identify and reject any toxic thoughts that poison our soul, replace them with Your truth, meditate on Your Word, and become who you called us to be. Thank you that we have the mind of Christ, that You that Your Word washes us and renews us. Thank You that Your Word is empowering Your church to make a difference in this town and beyond. Thank You that as we think on Your word we can do what You call us to do and You will get all the glory for Your work through Your church.