Today, I am very human. But I'm going to be brave.
I should have known I was going to be facing my humanness when I received a text from a friend this morning at 6:30am pointing me to a Jesus Calling Devo that said this:
"Trust me in the depths of your being. It is there that I live in constant communion with you. When you feel flustered and frazzled on the outside, do not get upset with yourself. You are only human, and the swirl of events going on all around you will sometimes feel overwhelming. Rather than scolding yourself for your humanness, remind yourself that I am both with you and within you.
I am with you at all times, encouraging and supportive rather than condemning. I know that deep within you, where I live, my peace is your continual experience. Slow down your pace of living for a time. Quiet your mind in my presence. Then you will be able to hear me bestowing the resurrection blessing: peace be with you."
I feel like I've been knocked off of my horse. My very high-off-of-the-ground horse. I'm feeling downcast, discouraged, confused and afraid. Not only that... but I feel alone. I'm not spiraling out of control... I am just experiencing some uncomfortable circumstances and disappointed expectations... I'm just having natural, normal, human emotions because I'm not a robot and I'm not God. I'm feeling empty and desperate for love and worth.
This is usually the point where I condemn myself, which sends me into a spiral. But not today. I refuse to let satan win today!
I texted a friend and told her I was trying hard to not be a child. What I meant by that is that I was trying to be mature. Ya know, an adult. Buck up. Lock and load. I didn't want to be emotional or desperate for attention. I didn't want to be needy.
Children are super needy! It's they way they are made. They constantly crave attention and will beg you to watch them the moment you look away. They require all of your time and energy. They often have dramatic meltdowns over minor injuries. They are desperate for comfort, attention and praise. They have temper tantrums, meltdowns, and outbursts. They are persistent. They will use stubborn behavior to get their way, asking incessantly, arguing, and negotiating. And what are kids like when they are frightened, or hurt, or tired? They are clingy, whiny, needy, and super emotional.
Right after I texted a friend about not wanting to be a child, God spoke to me about that very thing. He said, "No, I want you to be like a child. Come to me like a little kid."
Jesus tells us in Scripture :
"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14)
And he said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3)
The truth is that I am needy and I am desperate for love and worth. But instead of trying to steal those things from my closest friends and family, or cover them up, or condemn them... God wants me to come to him, in the same way children run to their parents.
God is growing me and maturing those young spots in me. Jesus accepts me just as I am but I know that God doesn't want me to be like an infant tossed back and forth by the waves or controlled by my emotions. That is why I take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. But this afternoon I'm allowing myself be a child. Because it is in these moments of humanness and weakness that I run to the throne and into the arms of Jesus my Savior and God my Heavenly Father. Today, I'm going to God like a child.
I will boast in my weakness. I am a wounded healer. Since my attempts at filling the emptiness in my soul have failed, I will allow God to come in and fill me. Cover me. Clothe me. Just like he did for Adam and Eve in the garden when they were weak and full of shame. I'll exchange my filthy rags for Jesus' robe of righteousness.
I wanted to offer hope and encouragement to anyone else that is human and weak or struggling with me today.
Give yourself grace.
Have compassion on yourself. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. When Jesus sees us, He sees us like sheep without a shepherd and he has compassion on us. He doesn't throw stones or condemn us. He offers us grace upon grace. He truly is enough.
And for those of you with wounds... know that healing doesn't happen overnight. And it has to happen from the inside out. Wounds are deep and band aids won't work. To heal properly you might have to open it up. You need surgery. And you will need a lot of post-op care. Daily mending and changing the bandages. Lots of self-care. It will be painful, it will sting, and it is going to take courage to not give up. But do not lose heart. Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So fix your eyes on Jesus, the healer, helper, comforter, restorer, and redeemer and be healed in the presence of His Holy Spirit.
May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.
