one year of living one day at a time

One day at a time. This saying brings a tear to my eye when I hear it... because it is what my dad said every day that he battled cancer, right up until the very end. After he passed I clung to this saying to get me through my grief journey. And now I've had a whole year of living just one day at a time.

It has been so hard to work through the pain of my grief. I am not good at grief. I have been waiting for this anniversary to come, hoping it would be the beginning of an easier journey. I like to cope by minimizing and intelectuallizing. I would feel much better if I understood my grief or could make some sense of it. But I can't. I barely have words to describe it. I would love to say the year was full of reminiscing about the good times and rainbows with no rain... but honestly the first year was covered in fog. It was so hard to recognize my grief which made it difficult to deal with. I expected the first year to be hard but it was more than I imagined. There is nothing you can do to fix it. Or stop it. It's been hard for me to cope with it. Now that I've reached this day I think I'm going to have to continue to take one day at a time.

Several close friends have texted me letting me know they were thinking of me and praying for me. They knew the anniversary would be a hard day. I'm not really sure how to handle it... I guess by writing this. A good friend of mine told me to think about the precious family time we had and the good memories. My dad's cancer brought my family together and united us in a special way. That is one of the greatest things that has come out of the ashes. And God continues to grow and heal my family, bringing us closer to him and closer together. My family has showed so much strength as they too have been on this grief ride. I praise God for the courage he has given all of us to face each new day and the example my precious family has been to me.

There have been days where I have been totally overwhelmed, overcome with despair, crippled by fear, attacked with anxiety, lost in confusion, and deep down just sad about my dad. When I think about him passing I'm still traumatized by my experience with his death. As I fight to find the joy that comes in the morning I'm reminded of my Heavenly father who has never left me in the middle of the night. In fact, He has given me songs in the night. (Job 35:10)

One of my favorite things we did with my dad in his last month was that we watched "symphony" by Louie Giglio. I specifically remember several things that were in that video teaching. I even quoted it a couple weeks later when giving the eulogy at the funeral about my dad worshipping God with whales.

This year has been full of dark clouds in the night.

Louie Giglio went through a two-month struggle with stress and depression and it was the darkest time of his life. One night he woke up asking God to help him and he remembered a passage of Scripture in Job that says, "God gives songs in the night."

"When you get in the dry and weary land you need to know that there is a God who has a song for that moment, too," Louie said. He then starting singing the song God gave him:

Be still my soul there is a healer. His love is deeper than the sea. His mercy is unfailing. His arms a fortress for the weak.

Louie said that it was a weapon of praise that led him out of the valley of the shadow of death. The line he repeated for hours at night during his depression/anxiety was this:

I lift my hands to believe again...

My dad loved this video and it really helped me through the funeral and first few months. But it helps me every single night. When darkness comes I'm reminded to lift my hands to believe again, to praise God with the song that he gives me. Praising God opens up the clouds and allows the light of God's love to shine in and lift my head, to still my soul. Every time I worship God I can't help but lifting my hands - and thinking about my Dad worshipping in heaven with me and the whales...

I wish I could skip over the pain that comes from the dark seasons in my life, but honestly God is so good that he uses the muck and mess of our life to bring us closer to Him. He breaks us down to bind us up. And he does it all in love. Nothing is meaningless, nothing is wasted. John Piper says that every second of your pain and suffering is totally meaningful, every second of your misery in the path of obedience is producing in you and achieving for you an eternal weight of glory. It's in those moments where we get to experience a holy suffering as we cry out asking God to let the cup pass. Job said, "Though you slay me, yet will I trust you."

May you not lose heart and may you find the joy that comes even in the darkness as God gives you a song that wells up in your heart.... Praise will lead us out of the darkness and into His marvelous light as we continue to take one day at a time.

losing family

One of my goals in 2014 is to be a better writer. Correction, to be a writer you have to actually write. My goal is to simply write. The root and motivation is my dream of being who God created me to be and using my gifts to do what God created me to do, so that others might praise my Father in heaven.

More specifically, I would like to publish the blogs I write instead of just storing them in my draft folder. My goal is to write one blog a week. To not bury my gift. Getting back into writing is hard work. There are about 200 lies from the enemy I must first deal with before the hard part of actually punching the keys on my laptop. And don't forget the inspiration to find something to write about that is worthy to be read....

A few days ago a friend said to me, "Never apologize for who you are." I've realized how often I do that. I was about to say sorry for the words you are reading now, because in my mind I have already decided that they aren't good enough. But if you have stumbled upon my blog, and are reading my ramblings, then I want to say welcome to my first blog of the new year. There are so many things I want to change about myself this year. There are so many areas I want to grow in. There is so much I want to do. And not do. But I think God just wants me to be me. So here is my 1 talent. Here is my first victory of the new year, not letting satan quiet me. Not letting satan steal my voice. Letting my light shine. I'm not apologizing and I'm not pre-determining.   



The year 2013 will always be marked by the loss of my father.

I've been reflecting on the highs and lows, lessons learned, seasons that have come and gone... but more than anything the mercy and grace of my heavenly Father that has been evident through it all. He has given me comfort and strength through the valleys and turned ashes into beauty, taking what the enemy intended for evil and used it for good.

Losing my father in the beginning of the year would become the event that would mark all the days that would follow. The grief was intense at times, sudden at others, and has visited me daily. It has changed me. There is a new hole in me. An emptiness that I feel each day when I wake up and it lingers as I lay in bed at night.

My helpful-but-not-so-spiritual solution is to watch a show or movie at night so I can try and stop thinking and rest my heart, mind, soul, and body. Lately I've been watching Finding Forrester. I love it because it is all about writing and basketball - two of my favs! There is a quote in that movie that I cannot stop thinking about.

"Losing family obliges us to find our family. Not always the family that is our blood, but the family that can become our blood. Should we have the wisdom to open our door to this new family, we will find that the wishes we had for the father, who once guided us and for the brother, who once inspired us...." (Finding Forrester) 

God in His sheer goodness has enabled me to find family this year, despite the loss I encountered on January 13th, 2013. God has graciously gifted me with dear friends to walk with on the good days and bad, friends that were miraculously able to love me at my worst, despite my selfishness, and people that would overflow the love of God into my life, comforting me and bringing joy despite the festering and sometimes bleeding wounds deep within my soul. The gift of friendship, and the family I found this year has brought healing and hope into my life. And the security of unconditional acceptance has freed me from so much torment and slavery that plagued me deeply before.

Not only has losing family applied to my 2013, it was the theme in my childhood. Dysfunction, neglect, abuse, divorce, abandonment... I had a family, but I definitely experienced a lot of loss early on. Again, God in His grace rescued me from the dominion of darkness and brought me into His family, adopting me as His own daughter. From then on I experienced the new family the quote above is talking about. I joined the church and became a part of the body of Christ. I had spiritual parents and loving brothers and sisters in Christ. There have been so many amazing, Godly people that have poured love and encouragement into my life. Community in the church is one of the greatest gifts I've experienced in this life. Family doesn't have to be blood. I wouldn't have made it through high school if it weren't for those people that were in my life at the time. And I wouldn't have been able to get through this past year without them either. Although they are different people now, it is still my church family, which amazingly enough also includes some of my blood family, that has shown me the love and grace of God and carried me through.

But people are people, they are not God. People constantly come and go in and out of our lives, whether we would like them to or not. Seasons change; we can't stop the snow from falling on the ground. Community is messy but it is worth it. We can only find our family if we open our lives up to it, despite the risk and vulnerability involved.  

People were never intended to meet the deepest needs and desires found within us. Those are places that only God can touch and anything that tries will be pale in comparison.

My desire for the hole in me to be filled has never been greater than it was after the loss of my father. The best part about this past year was that my friends and my family, although they loved me well, they failed me. They couldn't bring my dad back or save me, or heal the wounds. They couldn't fix my sin problem or defeat satan. They couldn't conquer death. There is nothing on this earth that is adequate. Nothing that fits. Nothing that fills. Nothing that is enough. And I've never tried harder to not be empty! I've never worked harder than I did this year. I'm still empty. It's insatiable.

The truth is, We don't need to be fixed, we need a savior. The glimpse of love, acceptance, and worth my family, blood and not, brought into my life would and will always fail me and come up short. And this is the beauty in our need. My depravity and desperation bring me to the cross where I recognize how great my need really is and where I find the love of Christ, the only thing that satisfies. I figure out my problem and find the solution, only at the cross. It's my sin and His name is Jesus.

Those wishes we have for family.... can come true and be met, only in Christ, and only through His church - it's the hope of the world. His love and grace is sufficient for the deepest hole and greatest needs we have in our lives. My prayer and encouragement is that God would give you the wisdom to open the door and open your life to new family this year. And even if... even when, rather... they fail you... our heavenly Father never will.