More specifically, I would like to publish the blogs I write instead of just storing them in my draft folder. My goal is to write one blog a week. To not bury my gift. Getting back into writing is hard work. There are about 200 lies from the enemy I must first deal with before the hard part of actually punching the keys on my laptop. And don't forget the inspiration to find something to write about that is worthy to be read....
A few days ago a friend said to me, "Never apologize for who you are." I've realized how often I do that. I was about to say sorry for the words you are reading now, because in my mind I have already decided that they aren't good enough. But if you have stumbled upon my blog, and are reading my ramblings, then I want to say welcome to my first blog of the new year. There are so many things I want to change about myself this year. There are so many areas I want to grow in. There is so much I want to do. And not do. But I think God just wants me to be me. So here is my 1 talent. Here is my first victory of the new year, not letting satan quiet me. Not letting satan steal my voice. Letting my light shine. I'm not apologizing and I'm not pre-determining.
The year 2013 will always be marked by the loss of my father.
I've been reflecting on the highs and lows, lessons learned, seasons that have come and gone... but more than anything the mercy and grace of my heavenly Father that has been evident through it all. He has given me comfort and strength through the valleys and turned ashes into beauty, taking what the enemy intended for evil and used it for good.Losing my father in the beginning of the year would become the event that would mark all the days that would follow. The grief was intense at times, sudden at others, and has visited me daily. It has changed me. There is a new hole in me. An emptiness that I feel each day when I wake up and it lingers as I lay in bed at night.
My helpful-but-not-so-spiritual solution is to watch a show or movie at night so I can try and stop thinking and rest my heart, mind, soul, and body. Lately I've been watching Finding Forrester. I love it because it is all about writing and basketball - two of my favs! There is a quote in that movie that I cannot stop thinking about.
"Losing family obliges us to find our family. Not always the family that is our blood, but the family that can become our blood. Should we have the wisdom to open our door to this new family, we will find that the wishes we had for the father, who once guided us and for the brother, who once inspired us...." (Finding Forrester)God in His sheer goodness has enabled me to find family this year, despite the loss I encountered on January 13th, 2013. God has graciously gifted me with dear friends to walk with on the good days and bad, friends that were miraculously able to love me at my worst, despite my selfishness, and people that would overflow the love of God into my life, comforting me and bringing joy despite the festering and sometimes bleeding wounds deep within my soul. The gift of friendship, and the family I found this year has brought healing and hope into my life. And the security of unconditional acceptance has freed me from so much torment and slavery that plagued me deeply before.
Not only has losing family applied to my 2013, it was the theme in my childhood. Dysfunction, neglect, abuse, divorce, abandonment... I had a family, but I definitely experienced a lot of loss early on. Again, God in His grace rescued me from the dominion of darkness and brought me into His family, adopting me as His own daughter. From then on I experienced the new family the quote above is talking about. I joined the church and became a part of the body of Christ. I had spiritual parents and loving brothers and sisters in Christ. There have been so many amazing, Godly people that have poured love and encouragement into my life. Community in the church is one of the greatest gifts I've experienced in this life. Family doesn't have to be blood. I wouldn't have made it through high school if it weren't for those people that were in my life at the time. And I wouldn't have been able to get through this past year without them either. Although they are different people now, it is still my church family, which amazingly enough also includes some of my blood family, that has shown me the love and grace of God and carried me through.
But people are people, they are not God. People constantly come and go in and out of our lives, whether we would like them to or not. Seasons change; we can't stop the snow from falling on the ground. Community is messy but it is worth it. We can only find our family if we open our lives up to it, despite the risk and vulnerability involved.
People were never intended to meet the deepest needs and desires found within us. Those are places that only God can touch and anything that tries will be pale in comparison.
My desire for the hole in me to be filled has never been greater than it was after the loss of my father. The best part about this past year was that my friends and my family, although they loved me well, they failed me. They couldn't bring my dad back or save me, or heal the wounds. They couldn't fix my sin problem or defeat satan. They couldn't conquer death. There is nothing on this earth that is adequate. Nothing that fits. Nothing that fills. Nothing that is enough. And I've never tried harder to not be empty! I've never worked harder than I did this year. I'm still empty. It's insatiable.
The truth is, We don't need to be fixed, we need a savior. The glimpse of love, acceptance, and worth my family, blood and not, brought into my life would and will always fail me and come up short. And this is the beauty in our need. My depravity and desperation bring me to the cross where I recognize how great my need really is and where I find the love of Christ, the only thing that satisfies. I figure out my problem and find the solution, only at the cross. It's my sin and His name is Jesus.
Those wishes we have for family.... can come true and be met, only in Christ, and only through His church - it's the hope of the world. His love and grace is sufficient for the deepest hole and greatest needs we have in our lives. My prayer and encouragement is that God would give you the wisdom to open the door and open your life to new family this year. And even if... even when, rather... they fail you... our heavenly Father never will.
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