One day at a time. This saying brings a tear to my eye when I hear it... because it is what my dad said every day that he battled cancer, right up until the very end. After he passed I clung to this saying to get me through my grief journey. And now I've had a whole year of living just one day at a time. It has been so hard to work through the pain of my grief. I am not good at grief. I have been waiting for this anniversary to come, hoping it would be the beginning of an easier journey. I like to cope by minimizing and intelectuallizing. I would feel much better if I understood my grief or could make some sense of it. But I can't. I barely have words to describe it. I would love to say the year was full of reminiscing about the good times and rainbows with no rain... but honestly the first year was covered in fog. It was so hard to recognize my grief which made it difficult to deal with. I expected the first year to be hard but it was more than I imagined. There is nothing you can do to fix it. Or stop it. It's been hard for me to cope with it. Now that I've reached this day I think I'm going to have to continue to take one day at a time.
Several close friends have texted me letting me know they were thinking of me and praying for me. They knew the anniversary would be a hard day. I'm not really sure how to handle it... I guess by writing this. A good friend of mine told me to think about the precious family time we had and the good memories. My dad's cancer brought my family together and united us in a special way. That is one of the greatest things that has come out of the ashes. And God continues to grow and heal my family, bringing us closer to him and closer together. My family has showed so much strength as they too have been on this grief ride. I praise God for the courage he has given all of us to face each new day and the example my precious family has been to me.
There have been days where I have been totally overwhelmed, overcome with despair, crippled by fear, attacked with anxiety, lost in confusion, and deep down just sad about my dad. When I think about him passing I'm still traumatized by my experience with his death. As I fight to find the joy that comes in the morning I'm reminded of my Heavenly father who has never left me in the middle of the night. In fact, He has given me songs in the night. (Job 35:10)
One of my favorite things we did with my dad in his last month was that we watched "symphony" by Louie Giglio. I specifically remember several things that were in that video teaching. I even quoted it a couple weeks later when giving the eulogy at the funeral about my dad worshipping God with whales.
This year has been full of dark clouds in the night.
Louie Giglio went through a two-month struggle with stress and depression and it was the darkest time of his life. One night he woke up asking God to help him and he remembered a passage of Scripture in Job that says, "God gives songs in the night."
"When you get in the dry and weary land you need to know that there is a God who has a song for that moment, too," Louie said. He then starting singing the song God gave him:
Be still my soul there is a healer. His love is deeper than the sea. His mercy is unfailing. His arms a fortress for the weak.Louie said that it was a weapon of praise that led him out of the valley of the shadow of death. The line he repeated for hours at night during his depression/anxiety was this:
I lift my hands to believe again...
My dad loved this video and it really helped me through the funeral and first few months. But it helps me every single night. When darkness comes I'm reminded to lift my hands to believe again, to praise God with the song that he gives me. Praising God opens up the clouds and allows the light of God's love to shine in and lift my head, to still my soul. Every time I worship God I can't help but lifting my hands - and thinking about my Dad worshipping in heaven with me and the whales...
I wish I could skip over the pain that comes from the dark seasons in my life, but honestly God is so good that he uses the muck and mess of our life to bring us closer to Him. He breaks us down to bind us up. And he does it all in love. Nothing is meaningless, nothing is wasted. John Piper says that every second of your pain and suffering is totally meaningful, every second of your misery in the path of obedience is producing in you and achieving for you an eternal weight of glory. It's in those moments where we get to experience a holy suffering as we cry out asking God to let the cup pass. Job said, "Though you slay me, yet will I trust you."
May you not lose heart and may you find the joy that comes even in the darkness as God gives you a song that wells up in your heart.... Praise will lead us out of the darkness and into His marvelous light as we continue to take one day at a time.
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