Lessons from Peter.

I love hearing one of my friends talk about how God works, and how often she sees Him moving mightily all around her, on a constant and continual, daily basis. I loved even more being with her when it happened, having a front row seat to divine appointments and God's relentless pursuit of His children.  I was amazed at the power of the Holy Spirit that was moving in and through her. She was/is so sensitive to the Spirit. She is anointed.

I wanted that. 

I was hungry for it. 

I was reading about it in God's word.

I started seeking it. 

God's word says "Seek and you will find," and He who has promised IS faithful. 

I realized my inadequacies. My greatest days and best moments are filthy rags. I started desperately seeking the Holy Spirit because I knew I could do absolutely nothing without Him. I knew I wasn't able. But I read that God is able. I was convicted to be available to be used by God. Who am I that God would let me participate in His work? Who am I that God is mindful of me? It's crazy how much God loves us!!! But this is why He sent His son Jesus to die for us- to show us His great love for us, to rescue us, so we could experience our adoption as His sons and daughters. 

What I was feeling inside and seeing around me wasn't matching up with what I was reading in God's word. I wanted more. I wanted to experience the love of God. I wanted miracles. I wanted to witness God moving in mighty ways just like I was reading all throughout the Bible and just like my friend was sharing how she knew God was real and alive in her life. 

I wanted that so bad.

But I'm weak. I am totally inadequate. Am nothing, have nothing, can do nothing. Recently I've been very discouraged with myself and am so insecure, lacking confidence. I'm convicted because what I think and feel isn't lining up with God's word and what He says about me. I know it is the schemes of satan. He is working the same way he worked in the beginning, in the garden, in Genesis 3. He deceives. He speaks lies. He speaks death. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy. He is good at it. Unfortunately he has been successful in my life too many times!

God spoke to me about this today.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved. Hebrews 10:35-39

So I will rebuke satan in the name of Jesus. And I will speak to my mountains and they will become level ground. And not by might nor by power, but by God's Spirit.

The word of God is definitely alive and active. So much proof. God is so cool.

I was encouraged. Yet, later in the evening I was discouraged again. Satan snuck into my mind through   an issue and I immediately started condemning myself. Lies flooded my mind. Call me dory- I forgot what God had spoken just earlier that day. Stupid sheep. But I had really messed up. I had really sinned. Really functioned like the old Laura, in old ways and old patterns. I was weak. My weakness was revealed. I felt shame. I wanted to run and hide. Call me eve. Give me some fig leaves. 

Really tried to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ- but let's face it- this is my biggest struggle. I was hating myself. Negative thoughts plagued me once again. Yet, I was so excited and focused on New York. So started reading Fresh Wind Fresh Fire:

That evening, when I was at my lowest, confounded by obstacles, bewildered by the darkness that surrounded us, unable even to continue preaching, I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit how desperately they need him. Our weakness, in fact, makes room for His power.  

Jesus called fisherman, not graduates or rabbinical schools. 

I despaired at the thought that my life might slip by without seeing God show himself mightily on our behalf. 

 I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 1 where God says he chooses foolish, weak, lowly things. That we should only boast in the Lord. It's hard to do that when you are reminded of your weaknesses and they are affecting relationships and people around you. God spoke yet again through His word:

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. 
Therefore, in order to keep my from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 11:30 & 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

So how do we boast only in the Lord? By boasting in our weaknesses. It seems foolish to praise God for your thorn, for the issue you have had since high school, for the torment that Satan causes me.... It is foolish! But that is the way God works! He uses foolish things. Weak things. Lowly things. And what satan meant to steal, kill, and destroy me, God will use for my good, His glory, to save the lives of many!!!! Wow.

And about New York... I am excited to go. God has been speaking to me so much and I am feeling so called. It's scary. I naturally want to shrink back because of the lies of satan that I'm believing. But I thank God for that thorn, for my weakness-- so I can depend more on God's love and the finished work of Jesus.

God's word confirms our calling:

I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said 'You are my servant; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.' Isaiah 41:9 

They will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted. Isaiah 63:12 

The word of the Lord came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.""Alas, Sovereign Lord,"I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am too young."But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am too young.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant." Jeremiah 1:4-10

So I am going to read Fresh Wind Fresh Fire and pray to be filled with the Holy Spirit. And I am going to believe God to do the impossible on our trip. And I am not going to shrink back. I will go to whoever God tells me to and say whatever God tells me to.

I am going to step out of the boat. I believe I can walk on water in Christ Jesus. Not because I can, but because God can. And I pray that I don't make the same mistake Peter made by focusing on himself, doubting himself, and sinking. But that when I feel weak, or it is obvious that I'm weak and unable, incapable, and inadequate... I would boast in that so that Christ's power may be revealed and the glory of God would manifest itself in me.

I don't want to sink and I don't want to shrink.

I want everyone to know about the relentless pursuit of a loving Father, who seeks us, pursues us, calls out "where are you?" And sends himself to rescue us. We are no longer abandoned or unworthy, but we are called, holy, royal, sought after and no longer deserted. Chosen and not rejected. I'm excited to share that with people in New York, because that is what saved my life, and that is what continues to save me every single day.

And I will let you know what happens when God's Spirit invades the hearts of His people....