Who was praying for me?

Two Mondays ago we did what the disciples did.... we gathered and prayed and waited on the Holy Spirit. The rain kept us out of Fairview Park but it didn't keep us from praying!

Last Monday we discussed my favorite chapter of the book -- Chapter 4!

Cymbala tells the story of his own daughter who rebelled against God and ran away into the streets of NYC. Jim was called to believe and obey what he was preaching every Sunday-- the power of prayer.

I wish every one of you the opportunity to experience a "Tuesday night Prayer Meeting" at the Brooklyn Tabernacle. How can I even explain it!?!? Picture a line around the block, an hour before the meeting started!! There were so many people there desperate for God. And they were approaching the throne of grace with confidence! They believed that God was able! So they prayed and asked expectantly! This is defnitely modeled by their preacher who continues to lead them in praying and calling upon the Lord.

Let me share the story from the book:

After 2.5 years of a wayward daughter, Cymbala was desperate for God to come to the rescue. He believed God was able despite the hopeless situation, and he even thanked God in advance for answering his prayers!! During one of the prayer meetings, a spirit-let woman shared the impression that God was wanting them to stop the meeting to pray for Jim's daughter, Chrissy. The entire congregation joined hands, prayed and groaned in desperation of Chrissy's return.

Thirty-two hours later Chrissy came home weeping and begging for forgiveness. She shared how God had woken her up in the middle of the night and given her a vision of the path she was on and where it was leading--to death. She realized she had been wrong and rebellious. At the same time she experienced God's loving arms being wrapped around her, holding her, rescuing her.

Chrissy began to continually ask her father who had been praying for her. "Who was praying for me? Who was praying for me Tuesday night?"

Jim and Carol learned as never before that persistent calling upon the Lord breaks through every stronghold of the devil, for nothing is impossible with God.

God desperately wants us to believe Him. He says, "I'll help you, I really will. When you don't know where to turn, then turn to me. When you're ready to throw up your hands--throw them up to me. Put your voice behind them, too, and I'll come and help you."

Pastor Cymbala writes, "Satan's main strategy with God's people has always been to whisper, 'Don't call, don't ask, don't depend on God to do great things. You'll get along fine if you just rely on your own cleverness and energy.' The truth of the matter is that the devil is not terribly frightened of our human efforts and credentials. But he knows his kingdom will be damaged when we lift up our hearts to God."

 

Why is it so tempting for us to rely on our own cleverness and energy instead of humbling ourselves, calling on God's name with all our hearts, and depending on him to do great things?

 

I have had a huge revelation this week about this very thing.

 

You see, our fight is not against flesh and blood, we are in a spirtual war. The Apostle Paul in Ephesians 6 tells us this:

Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.  

We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy arguments and every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. --2 Corinthians 10:3-5

 

There is a constant spirtual battle going on in all of our lives. We have an enemy!!! He is an accuser, deceiver, and thief that only comes to steal and kill and destroy. In the other corner we have a Helper, Comforter, Counselor, a Good Shepherd that comes to give life, and life to the full. Greater is He that is in us than he that is in this world. (1 John 4:4)

Satan loves to attack us in our weak moments, or when we are doing great things for God! He hates it when his kingdom is attacked! He hates it when we pray and call on the Lord! He hates it when we believe God. But we have the power!!! All authority has been given to Jesus and He is living in us! May the eyes of your heart be enlightened to the great power that we have in Jesus.

"I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. Now he is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else—not only in this world but also in the world to come. God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself." Ephesians 1: 19-23

 

 Favorite quotes from Chapter 4:

"Cain and his posterity had gone their own way, independent of God. By contrast, these people affirmed their dependence on God by calling out to Him."

 

"A God-placed instinct in human hearts came alive. People sensed that if you are in trouble and you call out to God, He will answer you! He will intervene in your situation."

 

"Have you heard about the God who answers when you call on him? He's more than just the Creator; He cares and responds to our needs. He actually understands what we're feeling. He listens! He responds! He acts!"

  

"But let some trouble come, and how quickly we sense our inadequacy. Trouble is one of God's great servants because it reminds us how much we continually need the Lord."

 

"The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of prayer. Only when we are full of the Spirit do we feel the need for God everywhere we turn."

 "My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you."
(Gal 4:19)

fatherless

Dad and I at the track, 2012.

For those of you who don't know, I lost my precious father this year on January 13th to lung cancer.

One of my favorite things to do with my dad ever since I was a little girl was putting together puzles. I got my dad 2 puzzles for Christmas, but sadly he was too sick and didn't have enough energy to work on them before he passed. They're sitting in my room, unopened, untouched.

The worst part about putting together puzzles is when you get to the very end, only to find a piece is missing! The puzzle can never be completed or whole without that missing piece! Oh the horror! That's how I feel about those puzzles sitting in my room. They will never be complete because my dad isn't here to work on them with me.

My precious father in his lucky track shirt.

Lately, I feel like a puzzle with a missing piece. Especially because tomorrow is my family's "annual father's day horsetrack event." Every year around father's day we go to the horse track at Arlington Park with my dad. We've done this for probably 10 years. Before Dad passed earlier this year he told us we better keep doing that!! We will honor his wishes!

But honestly, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the day. Dad and I would chat before every single race about the horses, jockeys, owners, odds, etc... And tomorrow I have to do all of that without him. He belongs at the track with me, yet he won't be there. I'm left with emptiness. A deep ache in my heart where my dad belongs. It's like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. The piece I'm missing is my dad.

God never intended for us to die. But the wages of sin is death. I am experiencing the consequences of the fall and the brokenness of the world in such an intimate way as I mourn and grieve my father. As I experience missing pieces.

As tears stream down my cheeks I begin to feel peace, joy, comfort, and hope. The crazy thing is that even though my dad is gone and my heart has bruises, cracks, and holes all over it...  I don't feel empty anymore... I actually feel whole and complete. Because even though I'm fatherless, I will never ever be Fatherless.

It may seem like you are missing some pieces to your puzzle. I totally get that. There will be holes and confusion in your puzzle until you find the One and Only, True missing piece. May you find the Only piece you need, the One that turns your puzzle into a beautiful picture that makes sense and is whole and complete.

Cool story:
Last week I was a small group leader at CIY, where 220 students from Eastview joined 1400 others in Holland, Michigan at Hope College for a week-long-conference. At the end of the amazing, life changing week, we were all given a "kingdom worker" card -- each card had a different challenge on it -- a kingdom work action step. My card was perfect for me. It was proof that God is real, alive, and actively pursuing His children, whom He loves and wants to come and rescue.

My kingdom worker card.

My card said this: "Study up on foster care and orphans in your area. Pray for the fatherless and orphaned, ask God how He wants you to serve them."

Tomorrow will be one of the hardest days of my life. But God is a perfect Father. He will never leave me, nor forsake me.  He won't abandon me as an orphan, He will come to me, and take me in (Matthew 5:48, Hebrews 13:5, John 14:18, Psalm 27:10). Even though my father won't be there, My heavenly Father will.

May you find the missing piece that will turn your puzzle into a beautiful picture of God's love.

And stay tuned about how God uses me as His hands and feet to run to the ones in need... specifically to the fatherless, because they need to know that they will never be missing the "Father" piece to their puzzle, the only piece that matters.

If you think of us... pray for my family tomorrow. Thank you!

The Power of Prayer

Tonight is week 3 of our prayer group--and I could not be more excited to pray at Fairview park!!!

 

If you weren't sure if there was power in prayer before this group, hopefully God has shown His faithfulness to you by now. If not, KEEP PRAYING and get ready to be blown away by the love and goodness of our heavenly Father, the Creator of the universe! Often times when we pray, we are asking for specific things... but God's greatest gift and best answer to our prayers is Himself, His presence. Tonight when we pray, and always... remember that He is with you, closer than your breath.

 

Praise stories:

Last week a member of the community sent the church a note sharing an encounter she had with a "pray-er" at Miller Park. Here is what she said:

"On Monday evening, June 10, 2013, while my husband and I were fishing at Miller Park, I was approached by a young lady named Allison (I don’t recall her last name.) She was a very pretty young lady, but I would soon find or see another (beauty) about her. She asked me if she could pray with me and I agreed. We discussed briefly some of my prayer needs and it was when she began to pray for me that I saw the other side of her– nearly as pretty as her face, oh the beauty of holiness that flowed from within this vessel of God. She prayed a prayer of wisdom, not seeking to arouse emotion, but simply to reach the ears of God on my behalf.

 

After the prayer, she sat and talked with me for a while and allowed me to tell her about how I met Jesus and about my family and as I sat there watching the look on her face, as she was sincerely concerned with me. I thank you for leading and teaching young people in this type of ministry. And I thank Allison for being bold for Jesus.

 

The one thing I didn’t tell Allison, as we talked, was that I am a minister, called by God to share the good news to all people, but on June 10, 2013, I needed the good news! God gave her just what to pray for. I woke up on Tuesday with the same problems, the same physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual needs, but because of Allison I woke with a stronger feeling, a new hope, and the blessing of being touched by an angel. I am 71 years old, and God never ceases to amaze me. In closing I will say God bless you Eastview ministries and an added double and multiplied portion of the Holy Spirit for Allison."

 

 

It may seem strange to walk around parks and surrounding neighborhoods praying and starting conversations with complete strangers, hoping they accept the invitation to come to the throne of grace with you. I'll never forget the majority of responses at our first NYC team meeting... almost everyone was anxious, a little fearful, and super intimidated about "evangelism." I'm certain that's what our enemy, the thief would want... to steal our voice, and kill our boldness, confidence, and witness, and destroy the good news we've been commissioned to share. I can't imagine the devastation satan must have felt when one of our team members prayed out loud for the very first time last week at Franklin Park. Or how angry he must have been when our friend Tiffany threw out the alcohol she had just purchased.

We are seeing small and large victories already, and the God stories will continue to be too many to list here. God has gone before us, orchestrating and ordaining divine appointments. The greatest thing we can do with our voices and lives is to be willing.... God takes care of the rest.

 

"You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you. I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms." Jeremiah 1:7-9

 

For me personally, I am so tired of being a coward. I get so caught up in myself and my insecurities... I am done with that. It's Eastview's time to emulate the fearless, ridiculous, and dangerous witness of the people in Scripture. My prayer for tonight is that God would take away our timidity and visit us, empower us, change us.

 

Acts 4:31 "After they prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken. And they were filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God with boldness."

What did the disciples do?

They just gathered and prayed. God took care of the rest. God poured out His Spirit so we could be His witnesses.

 

Tonight, let's gather and pray. We don't need to have the wisdom or the words. We don't need to muster up any strength. God will supply the power. The Holy Spirit will give us the courage. All we need is willingness.

 

Chapter 3--Fresh Wind Fresh Fire:

"I was abandoned on that rooftop, turning blue... but by God's grace someone discovered me and called 911. The paramedics came and revived me. I felt so bad about myself, I was sure nobody thought I was worth anything."

 

"Go inside the church?? No way. I was sure Jesus could never love someone as strung out as I was."

 

"Finally I hit bottom, at the end of a five-or-six-day crack binge. It was a Tuesday night when I ran out of money. For some reason I drove to the church--I don't know why. That night I found myself at the altar shedding tears I couldn't stop. 'Oh God, I need you in my life. Help me, please.' It was the moment of final surrender for me. From that point on, I began to believe God loved me. And with this newfound faith came hope and a slowly growing confidence. I knew--I really knew deep down--that God loved me and accepted me and I could relax in His love. I was free of the chains that had bound me for so many years."

 

"There's nobody too dirty, too far gone for her to care about. She is a living example of the power of God to puck up the downtrodden, the self-loathing, the addicted, and redeem them for His glory."

 

"The more we pray, the more we sense our need to pray. And the more we sense a need to pray, the more we want to pray."

Prayer walking begins!

Prayer walk at Miller Park

About 50 people gathered in the upper well at Eastview to discuss the first chapter of Fresh Wind Fresh Fire. More than half of those there had never done a prayer walk before. We were given some directions, prayed together, and then we were sent out in car loads to Miller Park. In groups of 3-5, we all began circling the park and surrounding neighborhoods, simply praying while walking.

What a beautiful start to our summer of calling upon the Lord and interceding on behalf of our community and the people in it. When we arrived at the park, some began walking immediately, while other groups circled up and prayed before they moved around. Some ushered the Holy Spirit while still in the car! Nevertheless, God was with us, He went before us, and stood behind us.

As I was walking, I was amazed at the ways God was working around me. I saw members of our group sitting next to people fishing, people circled up with complete strangers, holding hands together.... I saw the Spirit moving all around me. I saw fresh wind and fresh fire.

My group walked around the park, praying for any person we saw. We began interceding for the other members of our group as several of them engaged in conversations with random strangers they came across during their walks.

The Spirit led me to talk to a group of 7-or-so high-school-aged kids. One boy said that he knew I was going to come over to them. I was drawn to them because I didn't have Jesus growing up and because of that I was headed on a path of destruction. I could tell they were on a similar path. I wanted them to know that someone cared about them. That someone was pursuing them. That someone loved them and would never leave or forsake them. When I was their age a friend introduced me to the God who loves me, and it forever changed my life.

What's really cool about God is that He has ALL authority in heaven and on earth, therefore we can go anywhere and preach the good news in order to spread His fame. I told that group about Jesus and what He had done in my life. I didn't get to pray for them because they unfortunately were getting high. But they were engaged and asked many many questions. Seeds were planted. My prayer is that they saw something "irresistible" in me... and that someday they realize that it was Jesus, there is power in His name.

We met afterward at Dairy Queen to share stories:

Deb Karr's group came across a mother with two junior high kids that use to be Jehovah Witnesses. She also prayed with students from BHS who have never been to church.

Erin Humphries spent all of her time talking with 2 girls, one just happened to be a teen mom -- which is Erin's passion. The girls' said that they felt like no one loved them. "It's like they are carrying a beautiful gift but never opening it or receiving it," Erin said. They exchanged phone numbers -- how amazing -- to see fruit by the end of the conversation. Looking forward to hearing about any follow up with these girls from Erin.

Erin's husband Josh talked with a man named Jose. He wouldn't let Josh pray with him. Josh insisted because "everyone needs prayer for something." Jose finally allowed it and said, "This is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me."Praise God!

One group saw a friend from Chestnut, who is also an evangelist. She was talking to someone from the park, so the group began interceding for her.

I'm sure there were many more cool stories! I'm excited to experience, hear, and share these amazing God things every week!

Today we will be going to Franklin Park. Still meeting at the church at 6:30 to discuss Ch. 2 of Fresh Wind Fresh Fire.

Here are my highlights:

"If we call upon the Lord, He has promised in His Word to answer, to bring the unsaved to himself, to pour out his Spirit among us. If we don't call upon the Lord, He has promised nothing--nothing at all. It's as simple as that. No matter what I preach or what we claim to believe in our heads, the future will depend upon our times of prayer."  

"I felt a new sense of unity and love among us. God seemed to be knitting us together. I didn't preach a typical sermon; there was new liberty to wait on God's presence." 

"Week after week I kept encouraging the people to pray. As Samuel Chadwick said long ago, the greatest answer to prayer is more prayer."  

"People weren't hungry for fancy sermons or organizational polish. They just wanted love." 

"Things to come in our church: God taking hopeless, even crazy people and changing them. I knew that a lot of churches gave lip service to the idea that God can do anything. But we needed to have real faith that anyone who walked in, regardless of his or her problems, could become a trophy of God's grace."  

"We never knew who might come to Christ as the Brooklyn Tabernacle. There were junkies, prostitutes, and homosexuals. But lost lawyers, business types, and bus drivers turned to the Lord there, too. We welcomed them all."  

"But in that meeting God clearly spoke to us that it wasn't the ground across the street He wanted to break. Instead, He would break our hearts and build His church on that foundation."  

"At a Tuesday night prayer meeting we laid the problem before God, weeping and pleading for a last-miute rescue of some kind." 

"God had formed a core of people who wanted to pray, who believed that nothing was too big for Him to handle. No matter what roadblock we faced, no matter what attack came against us, no matter how wild the city became in the late seventies--as cocaine arrived on top of heroin, and then crack cocaine on top of that--God could still change people and deliver them from evil. He was building His church in a tough neighborhood, and as long as people kept calling out for His blessing and help, He had fully committed Himself to respond." 

I'm thankful for Nicki and Cat who are leading us to pray!!! Nothing is too big for God!!!! Let's pray!!!

Let's pray!

My signed copy of Fresh Wind Fresh Fire.
"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace
with confidence, so that we may receive mercy
 and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:16

I published my very first blog almost exactly one year ago, on 6/2/12. Shortly after that, I began writing about the ways God was preparing me for my trip to New York.

Tonight is week one of the prayer group at Eastview. We are reading through the book "Fresh Wind Fresh Fire" by Jim Cymbala, pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle. I'm reminded of the ways God was working in my life last year at this time... He was preparing me for what He had already prepared for me.

I'm excited about what God is going to show me this year as I read the same book and prepare for the same trip.

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." -- 2 Chronicles 7:14

When Jim Cymbala found himself as an inadequate pastor of a failing church, he was humbled. Jim and his wife Carol could do nothing on their own and in their own strength. This led them to their dependence on the Holy Spirit. It also led them to their knees in prayer. And they found promises in the Bible to claim and stand on, never letting go of their faith to believe God to move mightily and do the impossible.

I'm excited about what we are doing tonight at Eastview and in our own "Brooklyn" known as Bloomington/Normal. The profound truths from chapter 1 have encouraged and inspired my faith, and I believe as we pray and call on the Holy Spirit that we will experience a fresh wind and fresh fire of our own. What happens when God's Spirit invades the hearts of His people???

Here are my highlights from Chapter 1 of Fresh Wind Fresh Fire....

"I'm not qualified," I protested. "Me, a minister? I have no idea how to be a pastor." He said, "When God calls someone, that's all that really matters. Don't let yourself be afriad."

That evening, when I was at my lowest, confounded by obstacles, bewildered by the darkness that surrounded us, unable even to continue preaching, I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit how desperately they need Him. Our weakness, in fact, makes room for His power.

Jesus called fishermen, not graduates of rabbinical schools. The main requirement was to be natural and sincere. His disciples had to depend totally upon the Lord and His power.

I knew God wanted to do much more.... and he would, if we provided good soil in which he could work.

What we needed instead was a fresh wind and fresh fire. We needed the Holy Spirit to transform the desperate lives of people all around us.

I despaired at the thought that my life might slip by without seeing God show himself mightily on our behalf.

 His word to me was grounded in countless promises repeated in the Scriptures; it was the very thing that had produced every revival of the Holy Spirit throughout history.  

It was what I already knew, but God was now drawing me out, pulling me toward an actual experience of himself and His power. He was telling me that my hunger for him and his transformning power would be satisfied as I led my tiny congregation to call out to him in prayer.

If you have some time to read my blogs about New York last year, here they are:
I can do nothing. #foolish #weak #lowly (One week before my trip in 2012)
Lessons from Peter (Right before started reading Fresh Wind Fresh Fire last year)
I'll go with you (Post New York Blog)
The Thief (Spread Truth Banquet - Jim Cymbala)

No more fear, but grief is still here.

My sister Erin and I were babysitting together on Friday night. We were able to chat for hours. We shared our thoughts and feelings, and we wept. It's such a gift to talk to someone who understands exactly what I'm going through. As I lay here after our conversations have ceased, the tears continue to roll down my face as my grief overwhelms me.

When you are crying, do you ever try to stop the tears by holding your breath? Maybe if you stop breathing than your mind will stop thinking and the painful feelings will go away? I open my eyes and gasp and the pain is more painful than before. I put my hand on my chest and pray that God would take it all away. I throw my arms up... acknowledging that I'm powerless. I'm trying to walk through my grief. Man does it hurt. But I'm leaning in.

I'm staying far away from my guilt. It's too much to bear.

I hate how my dad never wanted to burden anyone. Even when his lung collapsed and he was dying... he didn't want to burden Erin with the phone call or needing her to come to the hospital. Maybe Dad was like me and didn't feel worthy. He was also a pleaser. I'm just like my dad.

I'm still so traumatized by watching my dad go through the dying process. The clips I have playing in my head torment me when they surface and haunt me every night as I lay in bed, trying to fall sleep.

There is one sentense that my sister said that I can't stop replaying in my mind, "Dad lived in a constant state of fear his whole life." I hate generational sin and the bondage that had a grip on my dad. I hate it so much because I experience it often, too.

I despair at the thought of him living in fear and hiding, constantly anxious and worried about finances, prison, sickness, etc.

That look of terror in my dad's eyes when he entered the process of dying is one of the most horrible things I've ever experienced, along with that cough. I can't imagine what my dad must have felt at various points in his life when circumstances were hopeless.... I can't imagine the fear.

When Dad was diagnosed, he said, "I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just not ready to."

The last year God worked miracle after miracle in my dad's life, and in my family. The gospel and the name of Jesus broke many of Dad's chains. I believe Dad had peace in his last days. And I'm learning a lot, even in the midst of my grief. "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

Even though right now I collapse at the visions of my dad taking his last breaths, I know that someday I will be so grateful for showing him my love and giving him permission to leave this earth, for being there as he took his last breaths and passed.
 

I'm thankful for the peace that my dad had at the end of his life. I'm thankful for the hope and promise of heaven. I'm thankful that everything sad in my dad's life has come untrue. I'm thankful he doesn't have fear any more. I'm thankful his pain has been taken away. I'm thankful that he doesn't have to cope or protect anymore from this broken world. I'm thankful that my dad has been healed and can breathe now. I'm thankful my dad is with Jesus. But I sure do miss him.


I know that my dad wouldn't want me to feel unworthy or unlovable. I know that my dad wouldn't want me to fear. I know he wouldn't want me to have guilt. I know that he would want me to overcome the things that he wasn't able to on this earth. I know that he would want me to take hold of the Spirit of power that's living in me, and not be afraid.

My dad is with Jesus, and Jesus is living inside of me.... so I will not fear.

It's not about me.

The more you understand that "it's not about you," the more God can use you for His purpose, plan, will, and mission in this world.

He must increase, and I must decrease. (John 3:30)

Every day I walk with God, following Jesus, my identity becomes more founded and grounded in Christ. Every day that I grow in my knowledge and awareness of who God is, the more secure and confident I am in who I am, in Him. The implications that come from understanding the gospel are profound... and it is the truth that has set me free, and continues to bring new and deeper freedom in my life.


My glory days:
I played volleyball in High School. I was really good. I still have some school records. I was the MVP my senior year. I placed a lot of my identity, security, and worth on my volleyball performance. I often boasted in my athletic ability. It made me feel good, important, significant. Volleyball was my savior. It's what I used to save me from being unloved and unworthy. It was all about me.

Eastview has a sports ministry and a volleyball league. I've played in the intermediate league for about 5 seasons. My team won the tournament 3 times in a row. I didn't want to play in the competitive/advanced league because I was worried about not being able to control my competitiveness, and that's what I told Jason, the sports pastor. Plus, I really liked winning! Who wants to be a little fish in a big pond? He persuaded me to give it a try.

This past Monday was the tournament and last night of the season A fellow player in the league asked me if I liked the advanced league better, since it was my first season. What a loaded question! My mind raced and I answered with a deep sigh.

At this point, my team had gone from losing a lot, being last in the league, to the 4 seed in the tourney, to winning the first two rounds and waiting to play in the championship game. I described how I was out of my comfort zone and I had been stretched as a leader and a Christ-follower. Jason asked me to share what I meant...

I shared some of my leadership failures, captain challenges and lessons I learned for next season, and my greatest struggle not only on the volleyball court, but in my life.

I said something like this: "It's hard to mess up. There was more pressure on me to be a good volleyball player in this league, because the competition was at a higher lever, verses the intermediate league where I was comfortable and confident. My tendency is to not be able to shake off a shank. I struggle with negative thinking, being too hard on myself, and letting one mistake turn into two, and then cycling into a melt down. This has always been my greatest struggle in sports" (As soon as those words came out of my mouth -- I realized that that is my biggest struggle in life, not just on the court).

"At what point does it become a sin?" Jason asked.
I answered, "When I start focusing on myself."

Major Ah-ha moment.

Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.

One of satan's greatest schemes is to keep me focused on myself.... my adequacy, my talent, my knowledge, my abilities, my circumstances, my comfort, my will, etc.... It's in the midst of this self-centered, self-seeking thinking and behavior that I stumble and sink and truly miss the mark.

God has been speaking to me about this consistently for months and months now... I still don't get it. I'm still struggling with it. But God is still working on me, and He is patient.

I'm sure God is grieved by the way I allow the lies and tricks of the enemy to squash the Spirit in me. When I focus on myself, I naturally shrink back... There is evidence in this by all the blogs in my draft folder, burying my talent. I know that when I am focused on myself, I'm kept in a corner, quiet, cowering in fear and trying to stay as comfortable as possible. I'd rather be a great player in the easier volleyball league then risk failing in the more advanced one. Where is my dangerous witness?

My lack of confidence is what keeps me from being the person God has created me to be and keeps me from doing the things God has called me to do.

I'm not talking about being confident in myself... in who I am or what I can do. I'm talking about having faith to believe God; to be confident in the Holy Spirit, the promises in the Bible, and the commission that has been placed on my life since the day I met Jesus.

I'm talking about confidence in Christ. Even though I haven't aced this "confidence" test yet, I have had some small victories and I am continuing to overcome the lies and fear that so often keep me paralyzed.

I'll never forget what God taught me last year through the Spread Truth New York City mission trip. I'm so excited to be going again this July. I'm more excited to see God move and work in 50 other peoples' lives the way He did in mine last year.

We had our first team meeting last week. We went around the room and briefly shared why we are going on the trip and almost every team member mentioned their fear and comfort zone. I guess I am not the only one who focuses on myself.

All throughout Scripture, God has NEVER called upon adequate people.

“Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossip, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elijah was moody, Moses stuttered, Abraham was old,… and Lazarus was dead. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the CALLED!”

If we wait until it is convenient or we are ready then we will never do anything for God. He never calls us to be able, He is able. He simply calls us to be available. Nothing depends on us anyway! It's God's work and He is the one who does it! It's not our wisdom, cleverness, or persuasive words that are going to convert people to Jesus. It's the Spirit moving. If we keep quiet, than the rocks will cry out! (Luke 19:40)

But we are called to go and make disciples.

Be encouraged by the disciples. They were just fisherman. They were idiots! The reason why God chose them was because they were willing to drop their nets, take up their cross, and follow Jesus. We are following Jesus to New York! We aren't going alone and we aren't going in our own strength.

When they saw the boldness of Peter and John and realized they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished, and recognized that they had been with Jesus. (Acts 4:13)

And when Jesus left, He sent them the Holy Spirit, a helper, so that they could have power from the Spirit to be His witnesses. (Acts 1:8, emphasis mine)

Jesus knew that the disciples in their own strength and power wouldn't be able to start the church or advance the Kingdom. God knows that we can't continue to spread the fame of Jesus on our own either!

When Peter was walking on the water, when did he start sinking?

When he started focusing on himself.

That's why Jesus asked him, "Why did you doubt?" Peter started sinking because he doubted himself. He knew he couldn't walk on water! I'm encouraged by the opportunity Jesus had to rescue Peter and prove His faithfulness. God will give us the words, and he will be with us, even when we fall, to rescue us. (Jeremiah 1: 8, emphasis mine)

Peter stepped out to do something that needed for God to show up. He relied on the Spirit, not himself, and God got all the glory. When we take steps of faith and obedience like this, then we will see God move mightily on our behalf!

I despaired at the thought that my life my slip by without seeing God show Himself mightily on our behalf. (Cymbala, Fresh Wind Fresh Fire)

Do things that need for God to show up. Rely on the Spirit not on yourself, that is why He was given to us. If you wait until you are qualified then you are relying on your own strength and not God's. We can do nothing apart from Christ-- so let's do it in God's strength and give Him the glory! It's not about me. My gifts aren't even about me! They were given to me to use to serve God with the love of Christ.

1. Be willing and available.
2. Say yes.
3. Believe God, trust Him, and have faith.
4. God moves mightily.

If you feel foolish, weak, or lowly-- then God wants to use YOU! If you can stop focusing on yourself enough to believe God, and follow Jesus by getting out of the boat, then you will be able to walk on water.

When my fear that is rooted in selfishness, idolatry, and the lies of satan turns my focus on me.... I am going to shrink back, cower, get discouraged, stumble, fall, mess up, fail.... I'm weak. Lowly. Insecure. Afraid. No matter what mission/calling/task I am given.... My prayer is that I would say yes and go forth for such a time as this. Boasting in my weakness and allowing God's power to rest on me, for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

(1 Corinthians 1:26-2:5)

 

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. (2 Corinthians 11:30)

 

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)